|
by Bitter 08/06/2003, 12:32am PDT |
|
 |
|
 |
|
Man, I am fucking beat. Anyways:
Announcement of the Digital Millennium Candy from Babies Act (DMCBA)
Congress, in a move foreseen by most multicellular lifeforms, today
passed HR1984, the Digital Millennium Candy from Babies Act, which allows
the candy manufacturers of the United States to investigate, seize, and
potentially even taste the candy of millions of American children.
"There's a lot of candy being consumed out there," said a candy-industry
insider on condition of anonymity, "and some of it is obviously stolen.
I mean, the average American child's allowance can't account for how
gigantically, grotesquely fat kids are getting, and we feel we are entitled
to our due. For this reason, we petitioned Congress for redress of our
grievances, and we will be using these new laws to cut down on candy piracy."
Under section 202(c)(3)(A) of the Act, the industry is required to fax
an old paper napkin with the name of the baby written in crayon -- or
other suitable marking substance -- to the appropriate agency of the
federal government, which will then rubber stamp the napkin to certify that
industry investigators are thereby entitled to remove any candy they find
from a baby's possession pending authentification of purchase information.
In a sop to the industry, which complained of this burdensome process, the
napkin can be sent anytime in the ten years following the actual candy seizure.
Criminal damages for each violation of the DMCBA have been set at one
limb (left or right at the violator's preference) or a $500,000 fine and
a ten year sentence in an assrape prison. The strong penalties were felt
necessary to, as industry spokesman Adolf Godwin put it, "Rein in the cruel
acts of the terrorist instigators and protect our proud history of
innovation. Also," he continued, "we really didn't feel able to
compete with the RIAA in the pureness-of-evil race anymore. It's been
a laborious process with many dead-ends thinking up ways to truly
alienate our best customers while they are in their formative years. We
think we've one-upped them this time, though. In their face!"
When questioned about the wisdom of actively pursuing their own
customers, the insider shrugged. "We basically couldn't help ourselves,"
he said. "It's not everyday you get to see Congressmen fall all over
themselves to pass something so blatantly anti-consumer and against the
spirit of the Constitution". One Senator caught leaving the Hershey factory
was asked to comment, but was too busy stacking bushels of cash in the back
of his taxpayer-supported staff car to answer.
Bitter. |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
