A few months ago, I went out and actively solicited calls from telemarketers. How? By signing up to a mortgage website, giving a false name (Jack B. Morocco), a false address, but a valid phone number. Why? Because those running the mortgage website spammed me, and I was interested to follow the money back to the bona fide mortgage companies that were financing the spammers.

A few days after I signed up, the phone calls began. Usually, when the caller asked to speak to Jack, I would tell them that I would fetch him to the phone. I would then set the handset down next to the phone, and get back to work. They would typically stay on the line for around 10 minutes, before they hung up.

However, on some occasions I used the cheese method. Basically, to whatever question I was asked, I replied cheese. A sample conversation:

Him Hi, may I speak to Jack?
Me Cheese.
Him I beg your pardon?
Me Cheese.
Him Did you just say cheese?
Me Cheese.
Him I'm trying to speak to Jack.
Me Cheese?
Him Look, I don't have any time to waste
Me Cheese.


(The last remark was particularly funny, in light of the huge amounts of others' time this company had wasted by funding spammers).

On one special occasion, I was called by someone in an overseas call center. They stuck religiously to the script, despite the fact that I was cheesing them at every turn. Slowly, it became clear to them that something was not quite right -- but it took them a while, because I don't think their grasp of English was perfect. Eventually, they ended the call with "OK, Jack, you really sound good, I'm sorry to bother you, goodbye."

To which I replied cheese.

If you want a slice of the action, why not reply to the next mortgage spammer yourself? Make sure you give a fake address but a real number, so that they can get through to you. Oh, and it would be fun if you signed up as Jack/Jane B. Morocco. And don't forget the cheese!