Caltrops - Gamerasutra - EA Sports to PC: Fuck You

Forum Overview :: Gamerasutra

by Ice Cream Jonsey 07/06/2008, 3:53am PDT

Hey, an untalented VP in over his head managing untalented developers making some of the worst fucking games in history is going to play the blame game with why there aren't any sports games on the PC any more. Here's a spoiler: it's your fault.

Everything Peter Moore is about to tell us is an enormous fucking lie. There's no more sports games on the PC because EA convinced the greedy fucks at the NFL and MLB to dole out exclusive licenses, of which EA won for baseball, and 2K Sports won for football. 2K Sports isn't making football games for the PC because shitheads buy Madden football every year. Tangential to that, EA has been making one horrible game after another for decades, and the market finally wised up on the PC. But what the fuck do I know, we're going to get the straight shit on EA's Officially Approved Corporate Blog!

Here's the source of this garbage if you want to follow along

On a Saturday night red eye to London when I started writing this, connecting to Vienna for meetings with our partners at UEFA and FIFA (and maybe the Euro final between Spain and Germany…).

Hahaha, he works SO HARD! It's such hard work making TERRIBLE FUCKING GAMES! Do you think this happens by itself? Fuck no, this requires ass-fucking a bronzed gondolier and throwing a surplus Ultima 9 map at him for clean-up. When one of the garbage cans goes missing and I'm forced to dump my trash directly into the street, I don't want to hear from Twinsen how difficult it is throwing the bags in the truck by hand.

I’ve been reading the constant flow of comments regarding our position this year on sports games on the PC, and at the risk of once again opening the floodgates of people comparing me to the devil incarnate

Don't get too impressed with yourself, asshole, you're not the Devil. The Devil has managed to convince billions of human beings that he does not exist and that all evidence to the contrary is a lie. You've managed to convince a generation of pink-shirted pop collars to spend $40 more on the inferior football game. It's close, but it's not that close.

The PC as a platform for authentic, fully-licensed, simulation sports games has declined radically in the past three years as the next generation consoles, with their high definition graphics and 5.1 sound capabilities have attracted millions of consumers to eschew the “lean in” PC sports gaming experience for the “lean back” full room console experience.

This is great. This is what Peter Moore does all day. He comes up with the difference between a console gamer and PC gamer based on how sclerosisy their back is. You can tell how proud he is with that one, too, by dropping it in there when it's not even relevant. I guarantee that the guy compiling the builds has been forced to listen to Peter's terrible thoughts on the different kinds of gamers when all the guy wanted was permission for a day off for his wife's appendictomy (knowing that HR in the form of Rusty Rueff* already told him to fuck off).

I don't have high definition graphics or Dolby 5.1 on my computer, so I can't argue much there, but I was under the impression that I could have had them in the last three years, I've just been spending my money on that elusive seventh spinner. Here's an artist's impression of what Peter Moore thinks your PC looks like. Why do you even have stereo headphones? You're leaning in anyway, don't pretend you need stereo. You disgust him.

The business model for PC games is evolving from packaged goods to a download model.

His cunt's tongue goes on to wag about some nonsense that can't possibly be relevant, because the PC has the easiest transmission control protocol to download shit over ever made. He's going to mention it with his tedious warez reminder in a second, I guess he assumes we're all still distributing these games through floppies since the PC isn't very good at downloading anything.

Piracy is an issue. Sorry, I know many of you disagree with me on this, but the numbers don’t lie.

Nobody reasonable has a problem if you say that piracy is why you aren't continuing to make shitty sports games. Nobody reasonable would buy one of your sports games without playing it first, so it would be intellectually dishonest to say it doesn't exist. You need people making uninformed decisions when it comes to your sports games, and you need people buying them before trying them. You're on the publishing side, so you are going to pretend to not understand why people are going to download them first to check them out - it's fine. Seeing how you are incapable of talking about the real problems, you should have left it with this. "You all pirate our shit, so fuck you." This being said, I think people have given up even bothering to download an EA Sports game, because they have been rotten for over 10 years. I think this because it's in the same unlinked-to trade journal that gave you the numbers on piracy for NHL 2001.

Businesses have to make hard trade offs for where to invest for the best return, thus creating capital to make even more games. They have to take expensive risks in our hits and misses industry with new intellectual property to keep the games available to gamers fresh, innovative and pushing the technical boundaries of the hardware platforms. I know this concept touches a nerve with some of you, but our industry is founded on publishers that have driven for financially-successful games and then re-invested the proceeds in development of even more content for gamers to enjoy. It’s a simple financial premise, and an obligation for publically-traded companies who answer to their shareholders. We are not making games in garages or bedrooms any more.

Hahaha, "I know this concept touches a nerve!" A guy from not even just fucking EA, but EA Sports, is lecturing us on fresh, innovative games and then letting loose with a bedroom blast. I guess that's technically true when they expect their employees to sleep, eat and fuck in their offices. There's no cot there.

In order to make fundamental shifts in an ecosystem, you sometimes have to hit the reset button.

I - okay?

That’s what we have done this year at EA SPORTS as regards some of our franchises on the PC. That does not mean that we aren’t coming back next year with new, innovative, maybe even less-expensive ways to play all of our franchises on the PC,

You not publishing on the PC is a GOOD THING. I am willing to make almost any wager, though, that if there is a baseball and football game from EA Sports next year, it will be at least $49.99 and it won't have a single interesting feature not already in a sports game somewhere. Oh, the bugs will be new and creative though. I guess there's that.

Writing in the middle of the night when you are a little tired is always a dangerous thing, but what you have is my honest, personal, unvarnished opinion. I am sorry that our decisions on this issue have caused some of you so much apparent heartache, but at least you maybe have a little more insight into our thinking here…

There's no heartache! Your games were TERRIBLE. Madden '97 was riddled with bugs and glitches and it was the most playable one of the bunch! Here's some fun bugs in the PC versions of your games, feel free to match them up to the proper sport and year: The players' heads are too big! You took out goalie control! There are no doubles or triples in the game! You can score everytime by doing this one move! The computer takes control of your player making it impossible for him to defend in the middle of the field! The gamepads you asked us all to buy aren't supported a year later! There are two goalies on the ice at the same time! Only the middle stump is visible for the remainder of the match! After getting a birdie and going to look at it on replay, the replay shows you miss and then the game itself suddenly says you missed! Andre Faust has a negative endurance, making him better and faster as the game goes on! 97 games into the season, and the Stanley Cup playoffs show no sign of starting! Why is this asshole lunging for third base when I have him stopped at second? Why did the wrong team make the playoffs? WHY DID YOU TAKE OUT FIGHTING? You MISERABLE, CONDESCENDING, SHIT-EATING, SMUG, LYING FUCKING SACK OF SHIT, your fucking GAMES ARE TERRIBLE, HAVE BEEN TERRIBLE and ALWAYS WILL BE FUCKING TERRIBLE, fucking OWN UP TO IT LIKE A MAN WOULD, YOU FUCKING WORTHLESS PRICK.

So lock and load and hav--

Fuck you.

the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!

*Because I care about the Caltrops experience, I fact-checked this. Rusty Rueff is no longer employed as the VP of Human Resources at EA. If you go to his website, at www.rustyrueff.com, you will see that he now works elsewhere. He was a complete failure at EA, as the working conditions expected of the employees there caused what passes for a gaming-based scandal when ea spouse blew the lid off the laughable environment. What does Rusty have to say about his time at EA? "EA is the world’s largest, and leading, interactive entertainment software company. In 2003, Fortune Magazine named EA one of the 'Top 100 Places to Work For' in the United States."