Caltrops - Mac Hall Complaints Department





	[quote name="Bald "Mercedes" Fat"][quote]Even when I go home, I’m usually working at some point. I keep my laptop next to my bed so I can do a little work when I wake up. But I have never, ever felt uncomfortable, abused, or taken advantage of.[/quote] See that, you cretins? This is what a real employee looks like and why none of you on this godforsaken ass end of a website even have jobs. I hear some of you didn't finish high school! I'm not surprised. Working takes dedication, it takes blind allegiance, it takes waking up in the night and putting in some work on your bed laptop and thinking it was <i>your</i> idea. How do you think we can come up with ideas like the $120 <a href="http://store.penny-arcade.com/products/first-party-v1-0-shell-jacket" target="im_bald">First Party jacket</a>? A jacket so cool even a black will wear it (see pictures for proof)! When the idea first struck we were going to sell this Chinese-made track jacket at a 300% markup but then my partner, Piglike, awoke one night and wrote an email consisting of a single beautiful, brilliant, and succinct line; four perfect characters: "$60?" 400% markup? I lowered my glasses and ran a fat hand over my sleepy bald head... Is that possible? And then I realized... All things are possible for us, of course! Our audience, nay, army, will do anything, buy anything, join anything and support anything as long as it's us. Because it's never just us--we represent all of video games as a concept. We are the piglike and bald face of video games. To go against us is to go against game playing. To turn your backs on us turns your back on beating Super Mario Bros the first time when you were an outcast child, and now as an outcast adult they don't EVEN let you play your new Nintendo game on the company boardroom projector during lunch. We would. When you bought the newest Pokemon game at the mall, the cashier asked how old your kid was, but not us. We ask only for money. We already know the age of your child: 30-years-old, and it inhabits your ugly body. So giving us some money in exchange for validation of your entire life is easy, and nearly impossible to find anywhere else. With this revelation, sparked by piglike nighttime inspiration, the moorings were cast off and we were set adrift. Emails and IMs shot around the Penny Arcade staff: $65, $75, $90... Ninety American dollars?! I've never even seen a jacket at Target that costs this much! My phone rang, which never happens. It was Robert our business manager. He said he was making it $120, that was final, and we should all stop texting him at 4:00am. Father having spoken and the matter settled, I checked the Calvin Klein website for some sort of perspective in a hoary world I know nothing about, and saw that our $120 jacket would be more expensive than some of Mr. Klein's light jacket offerings! Not something you'd normally expect of a jacket with little pictures of knockoff PlayStation controllers on it, but Calvin Klein doesn't sell lifestyle acceptance. And that's where he went wrong. Anyway, I got a little off track there, but you get the idea. It's not just an IT job, it's a key position in a movement. And the movement doesn't stop, even at night, so you're either all-in for doing something big, something important, making lost souls feel like their lives have meaning, one purchase at a time... Or you can work somewhere else for more money. -Bald out[/quote]