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by Bald "Mercedes" Fat 11/29/2013, 1:40am PST |
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Even when I go home, I’m usually working at some point. I keep my laptop next to my bed so I can do a little work when I wake up. But I have never, ever felt uncomfortable, abused, or taken advantage of.
See that, you cretins? This is what a real employee looks like and why none of you on this godforsaken ass end of a website even have jobs. I hear some of you didn't finish high school! I'm not surprised. Working takes dedication, it takes blind allegiance, it takes waking up in the night and putting in some work on your bed laptop and thinking it was your idea.
How do you think we can come up with ideas like the $120 First Party jacket? A jacket so cool even a black will wear it (see pictures for proof)! When the idea first struck we were going to sell this Chinese-made track jacket at a 300% markup but then my partner, Piglike, awoke one night and wrote an email consisting of a single beautiful, brilliant, and succinct line; four perfect characters: "$60?"
400% markup? I lowered my glasses and ran a fat hand over my sleepy bald head... Is that possible? And then I realized... All things are possible for us, of course! Our audience, nay, army, will do anything, buy anything, join anything and support anything as long as it's us. Because it's never just us--we represent all of video games as a concept. We are the piglike and bald face of video games. To go against us is to go against game playing. To turn your backs on us turns your back on beating Super Mario Bros the first time when you were an outcast child, and now as an outcast adult they don't EVEN let you play your new Nintendo game on the company boardroom projector during lunch. We would. When you bought the newest Pokemon game at the mall, the cashier asked how old your kid was, but not us. We ask only for money. We already know the age of your child: 30-years-old, and it inhabits your ugly body. So giving us some money in exchange for validation of your entire life is easy, and nearly impossible to find anywhere else.
With this revelation, sparked by piglike nighttime inspiration, the moorings were cast off and we were set adrift. Emails and IMs shot around the Penny Arcade staff: $65, $75, $90... Ninety American dollars?! I've never even seen a jacket at Target that costs this much! My phone rang, which never happens. It was Robert our business manager. He said he was making it $120, that was final, and we should all stop texting him at 4:00am. Father having spoken and the matter settled, I checked the Calvin Klein website for some sort of perspective in a hoary world I know nothing about, and saw that our $120 jacket would be more expensive than some of Mr. Klein's light jacket offerings! Not something you'd normally expect of a jacket with little pictures of knockoff PlayStation controllers on it, but Calvin Klein doesn't sell lifestyle acceptance. And that's where he went wrong.
Anyway, I got a little off track there, but you get the idea. It's not just an IT job, it's a key position in a movement. And the movement doesn't stop, even at night, so you're either all-in for doing something big, something important, making lost souls feel like their lives have meaning, one purchase at a time... Or you can work somewhere else for more money.
-Bald out |
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PA crafts the least appealing job posting ever by Siskel and Ebert 11/26/2013, 4:07am PST 
"we’re not a terribly money-motivated group" ...but we like to hold on to as NT by much of it as possible, fuck you. 11/26/2013, 4:38am PST
"I developed humor as a defense mechanism. Now I drive a fucking Mercedes." by Either Piglike or Bald 11/26/2013, 7:57am PST
"We're terrible at work/life balance." = "We're trying to hide from our wives." by Mischief Maker 11/26/2013, 6:38am PST
Re: PA crafts the least appealing job posting ever by Souffle of Pain 11/26/2013, 8:53am PST
Give CS nerds an office ball pit, get away with paying them half market value NT by BAM! profit! 11/26/2013, 9:55am PST
It's been scientifically proven PA fans are tasteless brainwashed morons by Bald and Piglike's Horror Show 11/26/2013, 10:40am PST
Wow, developer snobbery much? by Entropy Stew 11/26/2013, 11:08am PST
Did it come off that way? Didn't mean to. by Souffle of Pain 11/26/2013, 12:26pm PST
I think you're confusing web development with web design by Entropy Stew 11/26/2013, 2:01pm PST
Re: I think you're confusing web development with web design by Souffle of Pain 11/26/2013, 2:08pm PST
Oh totally, the job title should be "IT bitch" NT by Entropy Stew 11/26/2013, 2:10pm PST
I can't get over HOW unprofessionally IT WAS written with UNNECESSARY CAPS by WITTGENSTEIN 11/26/2013, 6:14pm PST
They could at least offer to hold a Kickstarter to pay the new employee. NT by motherfuckerfoodeater 11/26/2013, 11:22am PST
Outside confirmation that this is a fucking joke by WITTGENSTEIN 11/26/2013, 8:40pm PST
Shitty Web Comics kills it, as usual by Ice Cream Jonsey 11/26/2013, 9:19pm PST
On a long enough timeline everyone goes from underdog... by ...to asshole. 11/27/2013, 12:52am PST
More reax by Vested Id 11/27/2013, 3:49am PST
Favorite Twitter reply so far: "How many dickwolves shirts will I be paid in" NT by WITTGENSTEIN 11/27/2013, 9:08am PST
Guy who had it previous responds by Souffle of Pain 11/27/2013, 11:04am PST
Signed, your faithful student NT by Twilight Sparkle 11/27/2013, 12:28pm PST
"It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled." NT by Mark Twain 11/27/2013, 1:05pm PST
Well, did Mike get a chance to come off like a cunt yet? by Mysterio 11/27/2013, 5:06pm PST
Re: Well, did Mike get a chance to come off like a cunt yet? by E. L. Koba 11/27/2013, 5:44pm PST
His twitter feed is a 24/7 shitpostathon NT by WITTGENSTEIN 11/27/2013, 5:45pm PST
Re: His twitter feed is a 24/7 shitpostathon by E. L. Koba 11/27/2013, 5:58pm PST
Re: Guy who had it previous responds by E. L. Koba 11/27/2013, 5:39pm PST
Wow he really didn't pull any punches in that PA forum tell-all by WITTGENSTEIN 11/27/2013, 5:48pm PST
Re: Guy who had it previous responds by Bald and Piglike's Horror Show 11/27/2013, 6:58pm PST
The show Girls stars exactly those people by fabio 11/27/2013, 7:10pm PST
This guy gets it by Bald "Mercedes" Fat 11/29/2013, 1:40am PST
I want there to be a regular poster called Bald "Mercedes" Fat. NT by Mysterio 11/29/2013, 3:59pm PST
Front page NT by E. L. Koba 11/29/2013, 9:06pm PST
I shared this post on facebook. As usual, no comments or likes, haha. NT by Eurotrash 03/01/2014, 12:55pm PST
what I think is funniest about all of this by blackwater 11/29/2013, 2:33pm PST
How much credibility do you have to spend before people catch on? by skip 11/29/2013, 10:48pm PST
Re: How much credibility do you have to spend before people catch on? by E. L. Koba 11/30/2013, 12:18pm PST
He wanted muscular but used his wife as a model... NT by MM 11/30/2013, 3:03pm PST
I love you. NT by Last 11/30/2013, 9:11pm PST
Fag NT by E. L. Koba 12/05/2013, 8:22pm PST
NAAHH my eyes by Eurotrash 12/06/2013, 11:10am PST
Bigpald admits default by E. L. Koba 07/03/2015, 2:09pm PDT
I'm really curious as to what $100k in fun looks lke by jeep 11/29/2013, 4:46pm PST
I didn't have THAT job, but was in a similar "passion over money" job... by Mischief Maker 11/29/2013, 6:26pm PST
PA just nixed the PA Report and PATV by skip 12/07/2013, 8:32am PST
Hahahaha. AHAHAHAHAHA. BWAAA HAAA HAAA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA by WITTGENSTEIN 12/07/2013, 2:51pm PST
Kuchera got fired? That's pretty funny actually. NT by Mysterio 12/23/2013, 6:51pm PST
He starting talking about improving work life balance and raises. Time to go. NT by Bald "Mercedes" Fat 12/25/2013, 11:27pm PST
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