Forum Overview :: Rants :: BEST. POST. EVAR.

[quote name="laudablepuss"][quote name="Ray, of Light"]I can't match Bill's decathalon of hedonism, but my skill -- nay, <i>mastery</i> -- of work-avoidance did not come about by chance. It's a talent I've prized and nurtured since childhood, and I'd like to share the evidence with all of you. 10.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Task: Complete Engineering Homework &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Strategy: Befriend Foreigners Chinese? An obvious choice, but they have some kind of honor/self-respect thing going that makes them all squeamish about sharing their work. The Indian and Pakistani guys, however, would readily fork over, in trade for other assignments. I built a tidy network of "cells" and a rep for having only first-hand work -- fewer errors and less risk. Outcome: <b>Victory</b>. 9.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Task: Buy New Shoes &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Strategy: See if Old Shoes Get Better They don't. Outcome: <b>Defeat</b>. 8.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Task: See Doctor about Thing on Neck &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Strategy: Snip I had a small, globular mole hanging on my neck by its tiny umbilical cord. It was there my whole life, but became onerous when I started wearing collared shirts. I used scissors. Outcome: <b>Victory</b>. I was surprised at how much it hurt. 7.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Task: Ask Out Girl who is already a Friend &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Strategy: Malign all other Males, Make Self Only Logical Choice This was in high school. My solution was initially effective, but did not scale. Outcome: <b>Defeat</b>. 6.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Task: Pay Bills &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Strategy: Don't The phone, cable, and parking-ticket guys are great. The power, landlord, and speeding-ticket guys are ruthless. Outcome: <b>Mixed</b>. 5.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Task: Learn Freshman Calculus, in 12 hours &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Strategy: Shop for a Van This was the night before the final. Integration by parts was chafing me, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that if I'm ever to be happy, <i>I must own a van</i>. I had neither money for nor need of a van, but still spent hours browsing listings, learning about vans and a few things about myself: am I a cargo-van guy, or more of a mini-van guy? Is all-wheel drive important to me? How often will I need to tow? Outcome: <b>Victory</b>. Inspired to succeed, I pulled an all-nighter studying, then concocted an illness and received a final grade based on copied assignments. 4.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Task: Get Haircut &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Strategy: Expand Definition of Hairstyle A uncut head of hair looks pretty wacky after 18 months, but most people mistook it for soulfulness. Outcome: <b>Victory</b>. 3.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Task: Wipe Ass &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Strategy: Shower This one seemed like a sure winner. If anything, I was ahead of my time: I'll try this again when shower drain design has advanced somewhat. Outcome: <b>Defeat</b>. 2.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Task: Get out of Tent, Vomit &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Strategy: Vomit-in-Place If you throw up inside a tent and go back to sleep, be prepared to awake in a new kind of hell. Outcome: <b>Defeat</b>. 1.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Task: Fulfill Title's Promise &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Strategy: Self-referential Joke Outcome: <b>???</b>. Ray![/quote] I don't want to brag, but I've done 5 of your top 10 exactly as you've written them (9,7,6,4,3). At least one other I've done a version of (5). Strangely, all of them ended in defeat. Every single one. A while back my (then) boss told the entire department during a meeting -- with all sincerity -- that I am a "motivated self-starter". I almost laughed out loud. So I guess the final victory was mine afterall.[/quote]