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| Titanfall review draft by WITTGENSTEIN 03/19/2014, 8:36am PDT | ||||
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| Titanfall (8/10)
Tagline: It's a good game, but has the EA stamp of "unrealized potential" all over it. Titanfall is good. There. Happy? It's fine. Everything it sets out to do it does well and though I'm sure you could go to the Titanfall forums full of Titanfall jackoffs who have Titanfall race-car beds even though they're 35 who argue about whether one fictional gun is OP and another isn't, you'll still have a good time playing it. This game is probably what the Mechwarrior reboot should have been, or Mechassault to begin with. Infantry with heavy bipedal armor support and mayhem. If you're so broke that you can only afford one or can only beg and plead with your parents to get you one game this year, get this one. It's what Titanfall doesn't do that is more interesting and worth writing about. Because what it certainly doesn't do is create a game you want to play for more than three weeks. The graphics are great, the sound is cool, the gameplay is fun and hearkens back to an era of gaming I could have sworn died when Call of Duty 4 became the gold standard in piece of shit hypercompetitive obsessive adolescent FPS players, dethroning Counterstrike as the key piece of software owned by everyone in life you should probably hate. You'll jump and pull yourself up over ledges and double jump and bunny hop to dodge a guy shooting an assault rifle at you. But there aren't really many interesting modes of play besides "kill the other guy before he kills you", capture & hold, and CTF. I can do without the CTF in my hardcore sci-fi shooter thank you very much, let's leave that to games that have been doing it better for a much longer time. It's a known fact that COD jockeys can't figure out their ass from a hole in the ground when the job is anything more complicated than "shoot guy, shoot other guy". The setting and the gameplay mode with the fast pace and the quick respawn screams out for a classic Unreal Tournament "assault" mode or perhaps something like Bad Company 2's tiered defense maps. It's almost criminal that in 2014 this wasn't even attempted, just a glorified deathmatch sim dumped on our laps with a campaign mode that's even more anemic than Unreal Tournament 3, consisting solely of the same multiplayer maps you'd be playing otherwise with a bit of dialogue added at the beginning and end, and a few cinematic touches happening in the background. Nothing about it is particularly interesting and between this piece of crap and the dropped features that they plan to implement later it screams "rush job", another victim of the EA "YOU WILL GET THIS OUT BY THE TIME OUR MARKET DEMOGRAPHICS INDICATE IS PRIME BUYING SEASON OR I WILL PERSONALLY HAVE SEX WITH YOUR WIFE RAWWWRRGH" mentality. How obvious is this? The entire game weighs in at fifty fucking gigabytes. Most of that is uncompressed audio. I'll take "Couldn't be arsed to run them through a compression codec" for 500, Alec. There are only about 9 to 12 maps and those maps get re-used in every single scenario. Do you know what you get when you design your multiplayer maps to be multi-use? Banal design. CTF maps are a fucking joke, with no intentional defensive chokepoints or any clear "no man's land" ground. Just the same maze of fucking corridors you were using in Attrition. The streamlined highly efficient magic of Valve's level design for Team Fortress 2 is nowhere to be found. Instead you get hyper-realistic buildings with nice high-resolution textures and it turns out that realism really sucks when you're trying to play a game of Capture the Flag. It also turns out that the same qualities that lend themselves well to a deathmatch map don't make a fun CTF map! Do you know how many maps were released with Unreal Tournament? Dozens. Maybe dozens of dozens. CliffyB is a fucking multiplayer map making God and maybe these jackoffs at Respawn Entertainment should have invested in a couple of more map designers instead of taking 12 maps and multiplying them by 4 for re-use with different gametypes and calling it "48". But don't worry! For only 25$ you can turn an already overpriced, incomplete, rushed deathmatch simulator with limited features into an even more overpriced, incomplete, rushed deathmatch simulator with the Titanfall season pass! Yes, like the worst stereotypes of Jewish people, EA has figured out just the perfect method to fuck you and squeeze money out of your broke ass like blood from a stone. Now that they've pissed off the EU with their Dungeon Keeper get-rich-quick scheme, expect this to be the wave of the future. |
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Titanfall review draft by 03/19/2014, 8:36am PDT  Titanfall Review by 03/23/2014, 7:59pm PDT |
