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| Star Wars: The Very Special Edition. by Mischief Maker 12/04/2015, 2:28pm PST | ||||
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I foolishly got into a debate with a prequel apologist on another forum and decided the best way to argue was with comedy, so I resurrected an ancient joke of mine from the Old Man Murray forums from memory. It would be a crime not to repost it here for posterity: If Star Wars was made by prequel George Lucas: * The opening shot would be Princess Leia and Captain Antilles sitting on opposite sides of a couch discussing how they had just stolen the death star plans and need to get them to the rebels fast. Shot cuts to the bridge of a star destroyer where Darth Vader is telling a hologram of the Emperor that they've just found Leia's ship and the Emperor says, "so capture her, already! Geez, do I have to explain everything to you?" The next shot is a 20 minute CGI battle where seventy star destroyers converge on Leia's corvette from all sides. * Instead of a couple minutes expository dialogue by Moff Tarkin, we are treated to a 30 minute long scene on Coruscant where the Emperor gives a speech explaining that the new Death Star enables him to dissolve the senate, followed by a powerpoint presentation on the new fear-based bureaucracy that will run the post-Death-Star Empire. * After the Sand People knock out Luke, R2D2 uses his jet boots from episode 2 and death blossom attack from episode 3 and kills all of them, including the women and children, causing an avalanche that traps him behind a pile of rocks. Obi Wan shows up and says, "Jesus, R2! Good thing these were just Sand People you were slaughtering. If you killed Space Hitler right after he threatened to violate a beloved family member, you might have fallen to the dark side!" * During the meeting scene on the Death Star, after the guy makes fun of Darth Vader and the Force, instead of saying, "I find your lack of faith disturbing," Vader instead starts stomping and pouting, "It's not fair! Why doesn't anyone take me seriously? This is all Obi Wan's fault! Nooooo!" * Every six seconds on Mos Eisley, Boba Fett pops up in front of the camera, blocks the action, and waves at the audience. * The Cantina band is replaced by a CGI rapping turd voiced by Justin Bieber, complete with an open-mouth closeup of his jiggling uvula. * The "I don't like you either" guy doesn't threaten Luke's life but instead offers to sell him some cigarettes. Obi Wan sits the guy and his butt-mouthed friend down and explains the evils of tobacco. Scene ends with crying and hugs. * Greedo shoots at a passive Han and misses, his shot bouncing off a mirror, then another mirror, then another mirror, finally hitting himself in the back of the head. When Han throws a coin to the bartender and says, "Sorry about the mess," the bartender throws the coin back to Han and says, "Keep your money, Han Solo, everyone here could see you were blameless in the death of Greedo, and therefore are a morally pure, non-offensive role model for impressionable toy-buying children!" * Instead of sneaking his way around the Death Star, Obi Wan casually strolls to the tractor beam controls with his lightsaber out slaughtering stormtroopers left and right and never seeming to be in the slightest danger. When he fights Darth Vader, the two hop and spin off the scenery Yoda-style. * Back on the Falcon, Han Solo stares at Leia nonstop with creepy eyes. Leia says, "Stop it, you're making me uncomfortable." Han replies, "But I think I'm falling in love with you." Leia stands up and throws off her robe to reveal her slave Leia bikini and walks away from him saying, "But it can never work between us! I'm a princess and you're an outlaw! We come from different worlds!" Han replies, "I hate Mynocks, they've got gross lamprey mouths, leathery bat wings, and they chew on power cables." Leia immediately spins around, sprints across the room, tackles Han, and mounts him on the battle chess board. * When Luke starts climbing into his X-Wing on Yavin, he says, "Golly gee, I'm just a farmboy from the boonies, I don't know how to fly one of these things!" The camera then zooms into his bloodstream where little CGI midichlorians with big cartoon eyes start going to work with a purpose. Luke slips on the ladder and bangs his elbow onto the torpedo launch trigger. The torpedoes fly out of the hangar doors, out of the atmosphere, slingshot around a nearby planet, come up behind the Death Star, then fly into the thermal exhaust port, blowing it up in a seventeen doughnut blast. Back in the hangar someone yells, "Luke, you did it!" Look looks up in confusion, realizes he saved the day by accident, then throws his hands in the air and exclaims, "Yippe Skippy!" The camera then zooms into his bloodstream again and one of the midichlorions winks at the audience. End Credits. We'll call it "The Very Special Edition." |
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