Caltrops - NFL2K5 - Re: Owens to Garcia:

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by Bill Dungsroman 08/16/2004, 11:11am PDT

For some reason I didn't notice you had posted all of this. On with my replies!

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:

To Owens, being gay is like the only crime worse than not getting him the ball enough.

Good ol' TO. In his last major interview before this recent Playboy one (it was in ESPN or SI), he actually got some positive spin by admitting that he, yes, was difficult to get along with and he had trouble being a true leader and having friends. He backed that up by talking about his childhood, and thus did the anecdote about him being confined to his little fenced-in yard by his grandmother start, culminating with the reveal that he liked the little girl across the street, only to find out she was his sister. Harlem Math kids, it's crazy. Sure, that sort of upbrining will make you strange, but naturally Owens has to cancel all that out by calling Garcia queer. As for hard-luck stories, I guess he doesn't know or care about Jeff's. Jeff grew up on this work-ranch farm thing with his family, one of five siblings, and three have them have died in tragic ways. But, you know, Owens' past gives him a license to act however he wants, as far as he sees it.

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:

Some quick takes:

o Getting together 12 guys for a fantasy football draft is impossible. It's a game for younger citizens, I think. I've got at least two guys who can't make it on every Friday, Saturday and Sunday between now and when the season starts. Is this because of women? Families? Getting dragged to someone's cousin's weddings? Rafting? Kids? People above the age of 35 graduating from "college" with their fifth degree in something? YES!

Come on, now. ICJ. You claim you can do it, but you and I and the wall know you have your girlfriend. If it hasn't happened yet, it will. They make plans too, you know.

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:

o I think the best thing you can do to get an NFL fan worked up is say that so-and-so doesn't "belong in the Hall of Fame." Everyone, deep down, wants to see their team validated in that way. Some professional reporter trolled away at Len Pasquarelli or Peter King or a ton of industrial lard slurry (can't recall which) by saying that Tim Brown won't get within sniffing distance. Oh! Okay.

I bet it's King. Any player who starts in his rookie or second year and remians a starter for ten years or more is a near-automatic entry, IMO. Certainly Tim Brown. Also: the HoF must be fucking huge, I can't keep up with all the dudes in it. I think almost the entire starting lineup for the '86 Bears are in there. DYL? The Bears have more retired jersey numbers than any other team (11)?

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:

o The Chargers offered Phillip Rivers a deal where he can collect a lot of money very quickly if he ~~takes the Chargers to~~ wins the Super Bowl his first four years AND makes the Pro Bowl. Rivers looked like he had been told that he had been diagnosed with fur tongue when his trade was announced and he realized he was going to San Diego. If that franchise were situated anywhere other than a place where the weather is perfect there would be more rough gashes on the player's throats than in a particularly vicious women's prison.

Ha ha I saw that contract yesterday during an FSN rebroadcast of the Chargers/Colts game. But look at the cash he gets if he wins SIX Superbowls (and, of coure, PB's 6 times as well)! Why is that scenario even in there? What was typed in after it, PHILIP RIVERS' MOM IS A CUNT? Just a test to see if anyone was reading it? Who the hell is his agent, Master P? Ricky Williams laughs at your rookie cntract, Philp. OTOH, Rivers is whining for too much cash anyway.

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:

o I can't wait to see what the same group of creative minds that have given us "SWEEP-LESS IN SEATTLE!! LORL!!!" for ten years now every time the Mariners, Sonics or Seahawks avoid losing all the games in a series come up with the first time New Orleans Saints rookie defensive end Will Smith makes a big play.

I guess I'll avoid that joke I was probably going to make about him in my article.

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:

o I bet nobody looks forward to the start of the NFL season and the long hours at the office required to cover it appropriately more than Chris Berman's wife and children.

Is he purposely trying to see how much he can mumble incoherently and still stay on the air? Also, nobody gets most of your jokes, Chris. Like anyone knows where "Backbackbackbackback" comes from (some very old baseball announcer). Also, his nicknames suck. If I hear "The Well-Dressed Amani Toomer" one more fucking time...

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:

o Recent Hall of Fame inductee Bob Brown looked like he was eyeing up new sideline reporter Michele Tafoya during the Skins-Broncos exhibition game in order to determine just how to completely devour her and those damnable meddlers / interlopers behind the camera. Bob, the reason you didn't get into the hall right away was not because you played for three teams in your career, but because you are evil incarnate, a human demi-monster and nobody could find the right mix of priests and tower shields necessary to protect themselves from you. How the sculpter avoided making his bust without the chin-fro he wore as a beard is beyond me, the ball was really dropped here. It should be sticking out so far that you'd need to navigate his aisle sideways for a bit to go any further.

o Lastly, who won the Washington - Denver exhibition game? The other 30 teams who didn't lose one of their guys for the season, that's who. Jon Jansen ruptured his achilles tendon on Monday because everyone hated him so much during the draft these last couple of years. The collective will of draft junkies destroyed you, Jon. If I were Corey Chavous I'd be picking up rehab specialist literature right now in order to get a head start on things when we get him, too.

The worst parts about writing these articles are injuries and last-second trades. Here's me: The Skins have a great line. Oops! Not anymore! Actually, the Skins line was in trouble prior to Jansen's injury. Now, they are fucked. The good news is, I can mostly cut and paste what I said about the Cardinals last year and re-use it, with just the added sentence "New coach Dennis Green is FUBARed."