Caltrops - Peter Molyneux's The Movies

Forum Overview :: Peter Molyneux's The Movies

by Brody Wilder Yesterday, 3:53pm PDT

WINNER: Platinum Blonde
Frank Capra directs Jeremy Renner lookalike Robert Williams and voluptuous childlike sexpot Jean Harlow in this story of a wise cracking newspaperman who elopes with an immature heiress. If you're wondering why you've never heard of Robert Williams, it's not because he was only popular in the UK like Robbie Williams, it's because he died three days after the premiere like Robbie Williams should have. Meanwhile, Jean Harlow lived an astonishing SIX more years, defining what it meant to be a pawg in the '30s and establishing the template for every platinum blonde bombshell who came after. (You're going to be seeing a lot more Frank Capra as we go along - he was basically the Spielberg of the Great Depression.)

UNDERCARD
Sound and camera tech was advancing at a breakneck pace, allowing for arguably the first good year in the history of talkies. With so many more honourable mentions to hand out, I'm going to start doubling them up in a series of face/offs. The good thing about all these movies is they're only about an hour long, so you can easily watch both if you feel like it.

Gangster's Paradise: Little Caesar vs. The Public Enemy
1931 was the year Warner Brothers codified the gangster pic with this cinematic one-two punch. First came Little Caesar, the story of Rico Bandello, a fictional mob boss so iconic that Congress would backronym an anti-racketeering act after him 40 years later. Edward G. Robinson gives a bravura performance as Rico, all "nyahs" and "sees" and chomping on his cigar, a performance you might be familiar with if you've ever seen a cartoon with a gangster in it. Contains one great shot where the camera whirls around a room, introducing each member of the crew in turn, which Scorcese would later homage in Goodfellas.

After came The Public Enemy, the story of a vicious yet short-sighted enforcer played by a scene-stealing James Cagney. He's the sort of character who, when his boss dies after being thrown from a horse, goes down to the stables and shoots the horse. Perhaps the most iconic scene involves Cagney shoving a grapefruit into Jean Harlow's face - not for any professional reason, she just pissed him off at breakfast. At one point, Cagney narrowly avoids being gunned down in the street, an effect accomplished by the actor quickly turning a corner then running for his life off-camera while a crew member opens up with a machinegun firing live ammo. Needless to say, none of this would fly under the production code introduced a few years later.

Despite its historical importance, Little Caesar is pretty weak by modern standards, while The Public Enemy more or less holds up.

Freddy vs. Jason: Dracula vs. Frankenstein
1931 was also the year that supernatural horror came to the silver screen, courtesy of Universal Pictures. Basing their creature features (very loosely) on classic works of literature in an effort to avoid censorship, they started by adapting a then-recently popular stage play of Dracula. Fairly dire after the brilliantly cinematic first act set in Transylvania, the remainder of the film consists of over-enunciated conversations in unconvincingly stagey rooms. The whole thing was saved only by the casting of the play's own irreplacable Hungarian lead, Bela Lugosi, as the titular sexual predator. Just watch what he does with his fingers!

Frankenstein was a considerable step up. Much has been made of director James Whale's homosexuality when contextualizing this story of a scientist who seeks to reproduce with his male lab assistant instead of a vagina, turning his back with shame on the consequences of his actions before the villagers come to purge them of their sins with purifying fire. I don't know about all that, but it's a fast-paced story that keeps introducing new elaborate gothic sets, so it's pretty watchable. The real MVP may have been Kenneth Strickfaden, creator of the various Tesla coils, Jacob's Ladders, and other electric gizmos that populate Frank's lab.

Please, Sir, May I Have Some Whore: Dishonored vs. Mata Hari
Clash of the Tit-havers! Rival star vehicles for rival European divas, both inspired by the life of World War I exotic-dancer-cum-spy Mata Hari. I'll start with the slightly less entirely fictional one, Mata Hari, just to get it out of the way. Glossy big-budget MGM trash starring Greta Garbo, who was too good for this shit. Someone once said to Orson Welles it was a pity that Garbo only ever made two really good pictures, to which Welles famously replied, "You only need one". This is not that one. Expertly satirized as the story William Hurt tells Raul Julia in Kiss of the Spider Woman.

Dishonored is more interesting. Another Sternberg/Dietrich collab, this one starts with Marlene as a destitute Viennese prostitute about to stick her head in the oven when she gets swiftly La Femme Nikita'd into the Austrian secret service, and does its best to maintain that level of off-kilter tragicomedy throughout. Like last year's Morocco, this is another film that could've easily taken the top spot on merit if only I weren't such a fucking pleb. Brought down by the bizarre miscasting of Victor McLaglen as the enemy love interest - apparently they wanted Gary Cooper, though I'm not sure that would've been an improvement - and a sad ending, which I never like. Let's call Jo Sternberg the David Lynch to Frank Capra's Spielberg. It's only 1931 yet and they both have better, much better, to come.