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| FRIENDSTER (long, loggy) by Fussbett 07/18/2003, 6:29am PDT | ||||
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| Always slightly behind the curve on whatever people are doing with the internet, I recently discovered that everyone is making friends on Friendster. It's the new Google, according to Wired. (http://www.wired.com/news/culture/0,1284,59650,00.html)
conflictNo: I can't believe I'm goofing off on the most important thing since google! I signed up on Friendster, and since it forces you to invite people before ANY functionality exists, I invited conflictNo and Jhoh Creexul, as they were both online at the time. Sanitario666: I'm joining Friendster!!! Jhoh Cable: YAY Jhoh Cable: What is that. :( Sanitario666: It's a really homosexual thing to meet people. Jhoh Cable: :( Jhoh Cable: I don't want to meet people. Jhoh Cable: Ever. :) Jhoh Cable: WOW FRIENDSTER Sanitario666: WOOWWWW! Jhoh Cable: MAKING NEW FRIENDS HAS NEVER BEEN SO INTERACTIVE Sanitario666: I seriously don't even know what to do on this site. Jhoh Cable: Hrhrh. Sanitario666: And it's slow AS SHIT Jhoh Cable: Sign up and then start dating I guess. Sanitario666: I guess that's "Gallery". Sanitario666: "Gallery of sluts" Jhoh Cable: Hot. Jhoh Cable: Are there sluts there? Sanitario666: I dunno. The gallery loading is an epic adventure. Jhoh Cable: AMAZING FUN Sanitario666: It's 4:00am, so I guess it's peak hour bandwidth problems. Jhoh Cable: :( Jhoh Cable: Everyone loves going on Friendster at 4 in the morning. Jhoh Cable: By the way, new Half-Life 2 video. :) Sanitario666: WHAT?!?! Jhoh Cable: It's on Steam. [Then we talked about Half-Life 2 for an hour] conflictNo: wow! conflictNo: Friendster! conflictNo: ok, I'm in conflictNo: ahaha, open marriage! They've thought of everything! Sanitario666: "You are connected to 0 people in your Personal Network, through 1 friend. " conflictNo: "You are connected to 1 people in your Personal Network, through 1 friend. " conflictNo: Welcome Conflict! Sanitario666: I don't know how to put you into my personal network of one person. Sanitario666: Look at that SUGGEST A MATCH button. Holy shit I want to hit that. conflictNo: I wonder if this Beta can sense that I'm not taking things very seriously? Sanitario666: Wow, I can delete the testimonial I gave you. Sanitario666: That's to make sure your friends stay in line. Sanitario666: I got chills when I saw the "Flag for Review " link, but it's not what I hoped for. Sanitario666: I hope I get some Activity Partners out of Friendster. Sanitario666: I've been wanting to go rock climbing so badly. conflictNo: I like that my image is a big question mark, because that's who I am! Sanitario666: I like that our last names are never revealed. Sanitario666: Finding out a last name is like sex in the Friendster world. conflictNo: I don't even like the first name showing up Sanitario666: Here's where Friendster is the gayest -- that's all we can do. conflictNo: "Just here to help." Sanitario666: You can't even search out other friendster people in the world. You can only invite new blood in. conflictNo: It seems so...I hope they fix that in the next Beta Sanitario666: IF I HAD A LOT OF FRIENDS ALREADY, WOULD I NEED FRIENDSTER?! Sanitario666: Fuck, I can't wait to log onto Friendster, pull my friends in and find out who their friends are. Sanitario666: Oh! Those are all people I know too. conflictNo: I bet that somewhere in Friendster HQ, that very statement is circled in red on a board somewhere, with lots of question marks. Sanitario666: That's why is can't graduate out of BETA. Sanitario666: Here's a magical potion to cure their problems: have a RANDOM FRIEND generator. Sanitario666: IT should just grant us one friend from the network to start us off. conflictNo: So I'm searching my vast network of friends? Sanitario666: Yes, you're searching out of a pool of me. conflictNo: Are we the first friends? Sanitario666: No. Sanitario666: But we are isolated all the same. conflictNo: Jhoh? Sanitario666: No, he didn't follow through. Jhoh Cable: HELO HALF-LIFE 2 FRIEND Sanitario666: Are you my friend? I sure don't see you on my Friendster network. Jhoh Cable: NO Jhoh Cable: I guess I forgot to get on that! Jhoh Cable: How strange. Sanitario666: What's your e-mail again? I'll send another helpful invite Jhoh Cable: :( Jhoh Cable: NO THX ...Sharing Jhoh's hatred of Friendster is INC. There was confusion at first because he typed in his real name, which I advised against. Then, server problems were the final nail in the coffin. INC: what is this shit? Why am I even invited? INC: is it a chat room? INC: can someone explain to me what friendster is? INC: this is the best site ever. I'm leaving. Sanitario666: Finish the process and then look at my profile FOR EXAMPLE INC: This is the least I've ever understood anything Sanitario666: It's a network of friends. INC: who do what? Sanitario666: A thinly veiling dating network. INC: email each other? Sanitario666: Meet. Sanitario666: Each other. INC: this cancel account thing didn't work INC: I think both of us being "on" (?) it at once shut down the service INC: this site rocks INC: I'm telling all my friends(ters) INC: how are there 133 people in my fucking network? INC: is this scientology? Sanitario666: Because you're my friend. INC: or herbalife? INC: I wonder if I should donate a 300mhz PII and a 56K modem to the site so it might run a little more quickly. INC: you know someone in Gainesville, FL? Sanitario666: Do I ever. INC: I'm never visiting another site again INC: this is all I need INC: Internet = Friendster Sanitario666: Truly. INC: christ, I can't find my way back to the cancel account page now INC: I think they were shocked someone used it so they took it down Sanitario666: don't cancel, just change your name. INC: no, I think we have different goals for me Sanitario666: Yes we do. INC: but account settings does seem to be the palce for it - ah, here we go Sanitario666: You don't want conflictNo to be dropping you those testimonials? Sanitario666: Friend testimonials, dude. Sanitario666: It's the funny. INC: I'll get it in the Caltrops post Sanitario666: No, because you have to sign up to see the shit. INC: hey, the cancel went pretty quickly. They should apply that philosophy elsewhere INC: sorry, we had a dream, we tried to live the dream, the dream died Sanitario666: You're a really sour person. Sanitario666: I feel like I've lost a friend today. INC: a friendster? :-( INC: I signed back up for Napster INC: friednster INC: fried stars Sanitario666: Now the angry log will look like a lie. Sanitario666: Unless I include this happy ending part. INC: don't worry, I'm about to quit again INC: I seriously cannot figure out what the fuck is going on INC: this is the most opaque site ever Sanitario666: That's all you do, dude. Sanitario666: Just wait for the babes to roll in. INC: I just sit here and wait for an email? INC: Does it email me if some hot babe likes me? Sanitario666: No, you've gotta log on once and a while. Sanitario666: and maybe send some messages. INC: this is awful. Are you sure this is fun? Sanitario666: no, it's not fun. Sanitario666: It's awful. INC: "sammy did not kick dirt at me the first time i met her. seriously. no, i'm kidding. no i'm serious. i mean i'm kidding about kidding. seriously. " INC: holy shit, this is the worst site ever INC: I usually just turn to POE for this kind of shit, and I usually don't have to sign up for anything Sanitario666: It's what you make of it. That person you just quoted you should not hit on. Sanitario666: I just gave you a testimonial. INC: I am somebody now INC: this site makes me log in every other screen INC: it only adds to the fun! Sanitario666: I think it's very buggy still. INC: really, you think? Sanitario666: It will never graduate to non-beta. INC: what happens if I reject a testimonial? INC: does the system crash? Again? Sanitario666: You can hope! INC: I'm liking Friendster more and more INC: luckily, I know the path to the cancel account page very well now INC: I added a long testimonial for you, but the page crashed INC: I want a page crash to be my testimonial to you. [copies a 404 page to a testimonial] INC: there, I sent in a testimonial Sanitario666: REJECTED INC: :( INC: you do not have the friendster spirit INC: you're a friendster pawn INC: look how many dupes you've roped into this idiotic site INC: you're banned form the internet for 4 hours Sanitario666: Dude, you'll totally be loving it tomorrow when everyone is leaving you great testimonials and whatnot. INC: I thought I banned you from the internet. That includes Trillian Sanitario666: I rejected that ban, just like I rejected your friendshipless testimonial. INC: Error: Cannot add testimonial. java.sql.SQLException: Column Index out of range ( 2 > 1). INC: would you accept that one? Sanitario666: yes INC: I am exploring all the various Freiendstore errors INC: there, submitted Sanitario666: the server died. Sanitario666: "You do not have any new testimonials to approve. " INC: imagine my sorrow INC: I think it died a long time ago, it just took this long for the brain to find out Sanitario666: zing INC: this is awful. What made you think this is a good thing to even screw around with? Sanitario666: It was more operational last night. :( INC: I can't wait until you post about Friendster's mediocrity, so I can tell everyone it's not just mediocre, it's horrible INC: friendster has ruined my whole day Sanitario666: You're not very good at being a friend. :( INC: sorry, but neither are you INC: what kind of friend would subject anyone to this site?? Sanitario666: I just want to be loved. INC: do you secretly hate me? And everyone else you've recommend this fabulous Friendster to? Sanitario666: Secretly? INC: I'm going to start confusing Laudablepuss with you, instead of vice versa INC: okay, now I've left a testimonial and read the hilarious testimonial(s) everyone has left for me. Can I cancel my account in peace? Sanitario666: NOT UNLESS I CANCEL IT FIRST!!! INC: let's do it together INC: 1 INC: 2 INC: oh, wait, I already cancelled it Sanitario666: Oh yeah, I was on the delete screen. Sanitario666: Error: Cannot delete friend. Sanitario666: You beat me. INC: it's like Friendster never existed. And according to the error I get 90% of the time I try to access it, it never did Sanitario666: The server works quickly for you in the crunch. Sanitario666: INC was threatening me with physical violence for telling him to join Friendster. Jhoh Cable: He has a TUDE. Jhoh Cable: Do you really want him as a Friendster friend with that kind of anti-Friendster attitude? ;-; Sanitario666: THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING. ConflictNo and I still worked on our Friendster network, undeterred by the haters. conflictNo: I wonder if there is one friend who is friends with everyone? That would be the guy to connect with. Sanitario666: The Gatekeeper. conflictNo: The Friendmaster. Sanitario666: We've gotta locate the Friendmaster. Sanitario666: What's his flag look like? Sanitario666: Just a giant smiley face no doubt. conflictNo: Probably colorful? Sanitario666: The united colours of Benetton and friends. Sanitario666: My friendships have been interupted by this [giant SQL server error]. Sanitario666: I got that by clicking on "Balloons" in my profile. conflictNo: Yes! Sanitario666: It's the most earth shattering interest anyone has ever had. conflictNo: But it's balloons AND ballooning. Very sophisticated. Sanitario666: I gave you a second testimonial. You're that good of a friend. conflictNo: HAHA, perfect! conflictNo: I'm not sure this version can handle such intense friendship Sanitario666: We're going to friend it back to alpha. Sanitario666: There really is no more envelope to be pushed without more friends. conflictNo: I agree. conflictNo: It's maxed out. Sanitario666: INC had a violent reaction to Friendster. conflictNo: Did it hit a nerve? Sanitario666: I think so. He was confronted with so much friendship at once that he cancelled his account. conflictNo: That is against the spirit of Friendster Sanitario666: INC is the Zseni of Friendster. The next day, I had a friend explosion by recruiting a Friendster veteran into my friendship network. Sanitario666: I've got like 1800+ friends in my network now thanks to being a friend of this Maria chick whom I barely know. Sanitario666: I don't think I've met 1800 people in my entire life. conflictNo: I have 133! Sanitario666: And you didn't even do anything. Sanitario666: I recruited. conflictNo: I know! I just woke up today with one friend, and now 133! Sanitario666: It's raining friends. conflictNo: Tropical Storm Friendship has developed into a class 4 hurricane! conflictNo: I'm trying to find out if my new friend, Jesse, is hot! Sanitario666: I saw some hot chicks that are supposedly my friends now, and then I discover that they're in relationships and are only looking for "activity partners". Pfffft. Now that I'm rolling in friends, they might find themselves voted out of my network. conflictNo: What's sad is that some of the legitimate Friend Testimonials aren't much less ridiculous than our fake ones. Sanitario666: I looked at some profiles breifly and realized that if I read too much, it would destroy my Friendster naiveté. Sanitario666: That's the first thing INC did, and he's like "GRRR!!!" conflictNo: He's an animal! Sanitario666: copying and pasting me ridiculous shit from profiles and I'm all "DUDE, YOU'RE NOT DATING HER" conflictNo: I'm surprised he didn't stick around to complain, though. Sanitario666: He's waiting for the Caltrops thread on the matter. conflictNo: He's bonkers! Now with a full array of friends in our network, we could take it all up a level... Sanitario666: That's really weird in Friendster when I can see a distant friend's friends, BUT CAN'T CLICK THEM. Sanitario666: The Forbidden Friends. Sanitario666: They are beyond the outer ring of my friendship circle. conflictNo: "Ask for Introduction" conflictNo: Maybe that's the key? conflictNo: I think this is the Friendship website that would exist in 1984. conflictNo: Or a Brave New World? I don't know. conflictNo: I keep looking at Jessie's squatting pic. [a profile picture of a girl peeing] conflictNo: I'm not into golden showers or anything, but it's hot somehow. conflictNo: Look at me, calling her Jessie when I haven't even been introduced! conflictNo: I'm going to pick Maria as my introducer! conflictNo: I'LL PLAY YOUR GAMES, FRIENDSTER. Sanitario666: You're blazing a new trail! Sanitario666: I don't know what you're doing! conflictNo: "Request Introduction OK, your request for an introduction to jessie has been sent to Maria. " Sanitario666: GASP! So forward! conflictNo: I haven't even been introduced to Maria! conflictNo: Nothing about this adds up! Sanitario666: You're breaking all the rules. Sanitario666: Of society! Sanitario666: I'm going to ask too. Sanitario666: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT? conflictNo: OOOH Sanitario666: We can compete for Jessie's attention. conflictNo: She's going to feel like a superstar. Sanitario666: "Request Introduction OK, your request for an introduction to jessie has been sent to Maria. " Sanitario666: BOOYAKA Sanitario666: I'm going to take off my shirt now, just in case. conflictNo: I'm wearing comfortable shorts. conflictNo: She's older than me, though : ( Sanitario666: You can offer her youth. Some people are into that. conflictNo: If she's into golden showers, then why not? Sanitario666: This Friendster post [on Caltrops -- the very one you're reading now] is taking hours to create. Sanitario666: Because I'm going through miles of AIM logs conflictNo: There's so much more Friendster to be experienced yet. conflictNo: I'm carving myself into the most irresistable profile on there. Sanitario666: Getting dolled up for Jessie. Nice. conflictNo: Spain! I can fake some of that. Sanitario666: The sad part of these efforts is that the other people enjoy the FULL punchline. Sanitario666: Jesse will have TWO suitors tomorrow. Two of the best profiles she's ever seen. Sanitario666: Will she appreciate the effort that went into it? Or will she dismiss it as "weirdos" the way girls do? conflictNo: I'm counting on that. conflictNo: She'll dismiss, but part of her will burn for it. conflictNo: She'll fell emptier. conflictNo: feel! Sanitario666: She'll fall too. Sanitario666: Emotionally and spiritually. Sanitario666: And physically. conflictNo: Then metaphysically. Sanitario666: I'll be there to pick up the pieces. Sanitario666: I wonder which Friendsters are talking about US right now? conflictNo: Not nearly enough of them, for certain. Sanitario666: Man, I wish I was there when Jesse sees the two suitors: Fussbett and Conflict. Then she goes to Conflict's profile, and sees two testimonials from Fussbett. conflictNo: I should be getting FedEx packages of friendship right about now from hundreds of people. Sanitario666: She should just turn her computer off at that point because it won't get better. conflictNo: Maybe turn away from society all together. Sanitario666: You only inherited these 133 friends today, kid. Don't get greedy. conflictNo: They have really fast shipping! Sanitario666: "Conflict is Your Friend" Sanitario666: What flag is THAT on?! conflictNo: My name helps you question yourself. Sanitario666: And directs me onto the path of war! Sanitario666: Each time I load up your profile, I become a bit more antagonistic. conflictNo: [Jessie] will get something saying, "You have a request for an introduction to Conflict." and she'll probably freak out! Sanitario666: I can't believe how shamelessly you've courted Jessie [with your profile]. Sanitario666: I'm taking the direct route with my profile quest for jessie. conflictNo: Scoundrel! YOUR REWARD for reading or skipping ahead to this part: An invitation to join our friend network of friends. Will you treat this invitation like disinterested Jhoh, angry INC, or architectural conflict? The OMM forums were constant flames, which died down over time, and since everyone has been saying that we're too nice to each other on Caltrops, I think it's about time we take it to the next logical level and truly accept our friendships with each other in what has to be the GAYEST place on Earth. http://www.friendster.com Sign up, create a profile, and be my friend -- Fussbett Sanitario, fussbett@sillymotherfucker.com. |
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