Caltrops - Cabaret Voltron - Re: Something Slightly Lighter

Forum Overview :: Cabaret Voltron

by Colonel K 08/05/2003, 12:33pm PDT

Wishing I could criticise my own work easily/effectively/properly, here's what I thought of yours:

I'm not sure about all the introductory questions. Max's masturbating universe digression could take their place, so only implement questions if they were irrelevant (for narrative effect), or important (ie. weave them through the story, make them relevant as they appear). I liked how the story winds up; your conclusion is neat, and ties in well. But you've bloated the piece, and too much of it feels like buildup that exists solely to introduce the coffeemajig thing.

Maybe it's because you've spent too long making us expect the unusual, and when it appears - as coffee (nice) - you drill that weirdness into us:

- "these chemicals also caused some rather severe delusions. "
- the coffee talking wise ("One at a time, fly boy") doesn't work. Let Max react to its weirdness, and shorten the mug's lectures.

You showed how Max half accepts/half denies the coffee's transmogrification through dialogue alone. And you pulled that off without dialogue, too, when Max questions the coffee's logic and it implodes. You even gave it character; the thing steams under pressure, and talks with fucking ripples.

Maybe that's the key to pulling off a piece like this. Present the weird shit and give us time to accept it, or move the narrative so quickly that we don't have time to question how bizarre talking coffee really is. In Integration, the death sequence felt natural because you clarified it as ordinary, then made it significant within the story. Speed up the coffee's dialogue, and the story's mood will take priority. I'd prefer tonal continuity rather than particulars of the coffee's plans, especially in a narrative so closely bound to a protagonist's thoughts.