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| Magic Pengel short review by K. Thor Jensen 08/19/2003, 11:53am PDT | ||||
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| Before I start this, I'd appreciate it if somebody could find me a minute or so of incredibly loud suctioning noises - a good referent would be the huge wind-tunnel noise that Bill Hicks does on one of his CDs before going into a bit about sucking Satan's cock. That sound, looped throughout the reading of this review, would symbolize my genitals being sucked up into my abdominal cavity, never to be used again because I've been playing Magic Pengel: The Quest For Color on my motherfucking PlayStation 2.
You start the fucker up and it tells you to "draw a circle." FUCK YEAH SURE I'LL DRAW A PERFECT CIRCLE FREEHAND. I draw a triangle just to shit with it and it doesn't complain. It bounces around the landscape for a bit, falls off a cliff and within minutes you're brought face-first with one of those flat-chested yet incredibly skimpily-dressed 12 year old girls that the nips like to throw into their games to encourage the latent strain of pedophilia and knife-rape that lurks within us all. Then you sit through an UNSKIPPABLE CUTSCENE where some Barney-esque broad sings about "finding the colors" and "spirits" and "taking a fat cock in the eye socket" and BY GOD I'm hammering on every button on this fucking controller trying to get it to stop. Once you speed past all the cutesy horseshit you get to the meat of the game, which involves drawing monsters to fight other monsters. The drawing is all done in 2-d on a 3-d plane that you can rotate and shit, and it's pretty fun. All of the drawings look kind of scribbly and goofy but it all works in the overall aesthetic and I had no problem making an approximation of a Sherman tank in about 5 minutes or so. As you play, you get the ability to draw parts that behave differently - draw a leg and your litle fuckface will walk, an arm and he'll punch, wings and he'll fly. Of course, these parts can look like anything you want them to, which is nice. Currently my three critters are a red blob with an enormous purple psuedopod on the front and a yellow spiked mace on the end, a two-legged blue guy with a big yellow mohawk and an enormous black block ringed with red spheres. The colors you use, the size and number of your parts and how they're arranged determine the stats of your monsters and the skills they can use in battle. It's pretty intuitive once you get the hang of it. The battle system is a slightly complexified rock, paper, scissors and while it's not completely fun, it's servicable to the game. Watching your little fucker smack somebody with the crazy thing you drew is pleasurable. The people you battle against are mostly kids and they cry when you beat them which carries a certain satisfaction. I'm only a few hours into it so I don't know if it gets much harder or not, but I'd bet it does. There's no real penalty for losing so it's in your interest to battle a lot to get more color to use. Basically: positive. Go rent it at least, it's embarrassing to carry out of a store but it's embarrassing to go into a video game store anyways so go fuck yourself. I have to coax my nuts out of their retreat. ktj |
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Magic Pengel short review by 08/19/2003, 11:53am PDT  Re: Magic Pengel short review by 08/19/2003, 6:43pm PDT my roommate bought this game by 08/20/2003, 12:44am PDT Re: Magic Pengel short review by 08/20/2003, 3:55pm PDT |
