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| July 19-25 by mark 08/18/2005, 5:20pm PDT | ||||
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| i'm already nothing
[19 Jul 2005|12:15pm] [ mood | the end is near ] [ music | built to spill- perfect from now on ] I may be in the hospital after today. & then in the ground. So if I don't get a chance to say it. I loved you all very much. Take care of my princess. I don't think I'll be there to do it myself. & if you can help it, try not to die like I am, consumed with regret that the life I led wasn't more like the life I was going to lead (that I was born to that I wanted to). The life I only entered into fully this summer & that I thought would last if not forever, then long enough. & that instead ended, less than three weeks ago, only a couple of weeks after it began. It ended with my brain beginning to chew itself into nothing & nothing sweet about it. But I had it all- even if only for one night before you left. I had the world in my arms & I was loved & I was happy & it was more than I ever deserved or hoped for. I had the world. Take care of it for me. 16 comments [19 Jul 2005|01:25pm] Just know that even in the July heat I curled up in your quilt every night. Just like I curled up in my memories of you. I loved you Rachael C. Quinn. the neurologists speak [19 Jul 2005|08:58pm] [ mood | .... ] [ music | idlewild- in remote part ] I just got back from conferring with my psychopathic war doctors. & the bad news is, I might die. The good new is, I might not. I am too tired to really go into it. "This you probably don't have. This you might. This will leave your brain with the consistency of shoe polish." Etc. We've done some tests. Etc. I failed most of them. Should have studied. Whatever. In the morning we're doing an enhanced MRI, a spinal tap, & an exam that sounds like an Eastern European nation. One of the smaller, acidic sounding ones even. Tomorrow night I will be back with the doctors & we will certainly know more then. In the meantime, look, I know no one likes a boy that cries in public. & believe me, I'd like to handle this gracefully. But grace itself is a state of mind & my mind is itself the problem. Consider too, that appearing even remotely normal (even simply appearing so here) is for me an act of pure will & effort. So please don't think too harshly of me. I'm doing the best that I can. 10 comments i stutter & hang up [20 Jul 2005|09:59am] [ mood | fuck this ] I call my neurologist's secretary, as per his instructions, at nine this morning, in order to find out what time I should head over to the hospital. But it turns out nothing's scheduled & when it is scheduled the secretary blithely informs me that the 28th is the earliest they can see me. The doctor says it's urgent & we have to do it today. The secretary says it's simply impossible they are completely booked. Meanwhile I'm sitting here with my rapid neurological deterioration & the news that now Rachael doesn't know when she's coming home she can't get a ticket despite having had a reservation for ages because Italy is a small stupid cruel country. This is why it's hard to feel hopeful. The system seems like it wants to crush me in its coils far more than it wants to help me. awash in bureaucratic blood [20 Jul 2005|10:46am] [ mood | heads roll ] Going to the hospital after all & again tomorrow. It's a fucking mess. But I guess we're still moving you know valiantly forward. 3 comments be my confidante [20 Jul 2005|09:20pm] [ mood | big empty ] [ music | mason jennings ] It could be worse. I dreamed that David Foster Wallace released a whole series of Infinite books. I don't think we really need Infinite Acne but then again from hanging out in the hospital all the damn time I'm starting to realize that's what we have. Minor hallucinations while having my MRI & then after a while you don't want them to pull you out. Just keep me in keep me close. Keep me from happening. 2 comments if only you were here [21 Jul 2005|11:32am] [ mood | shotgun loaded ] [ music | leonard cohen- the future ] In about an hour I go back to the hospital & they will test me for inflammation of the brain & for a rare prion based disease which I mean I don't like to even think about. The progression being both rapid & inevitably fatal. I am terrified. & I don't know what I'm supposed to do for 24 hours while waiting around to die. This is my darkest hour. I will carry your heart with me. Your "kiss." & the last of the sequins. & that single black hair I have curled in a drawer. But this is my darkest hour. 13 comments [21 Jul 2005|06:56pm] Evil. 4 comments [22 Jul 2005|12:11am] Oh my god. [22 Jul 2005|03:31am] How horribly sad. How is it I feel like laughing. 4 comments [22 Jul 2005|02:26pm] [ mood | going blind, i guess ] [ music | radiohead- how to disappear completely ] Rachael's phone doesn't seem to be working. My left eye hurts. & has begun to blur. Test results.... eventually if ever. "This we usually diagnose via exclusion. As in, if you get worse & then die, you probably have it." Great. I'm worse with every passing day. you can't make it stay [22 Jul 2005|08:20pm] [ mood | smolder ] [ music | guided by voices- i am a scientist ] I really did the best I could. & I thought everything was turning around. I was going to be the loudest sound ever. I was in love & absolute. I was a fucking world beater! & everyone knew it. It was only a matter of time. I didn't know- didn't even suspect- that time was the one thing I wouldn't have. 8 comments [22 Jul 2005|10:01pm] [ mood | distant ] Weeping on the phone with Raj. [22 Jul 2005|10:30pm] [ mood | i'll try to give ] If you want something, ask. 21 comments [25 Jul 2005|11:10am] [ mood | white light in my head ] [ music | nirvana- clean up before she comes ] She's coming over. 14 comments |
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