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by Mischief Maker 02/02/2008, 8:54am PST |
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Picking on Indie developers kind of makes me a cock, but these developers brought it on themselves by charging money for these games.
#5 Cute Knight Deluxe
I'm positive that Game Tunnel gave this game the 2005 RPG of the year award in an attempt at dipping their toe in the water to decide if it's safe to come out of the closet. This is a game where you play an orphan girl in a city which happens to have a dungeon packed full of monsters to explore and slay your way through in a simplified "Eye of the Beholder" manner. Oddly enough, the point of the game is not to delve your way through the dungeon and slay the foozle that lies beneath, but rather to help your character wants to do with her life within X amount of time. So you have the choice of the simplified dungeon crawl, or you can sweep up the tavern, or shelve books at the library, or go to the dance academy, or flirt with boys at the town square, any one of which consists of several minutes watching a fat avatar of your character looping through 3 frames of animation while popup messages tell you if she's getting tired or somehow fucking up at sweeping the floor. Are you on the edge of your seat yet? And get this, finishing the game as a maid is as much of an accomplishment as finishing as a witch.
#4 Darwinia
Dull. That's the word for it. A slow-paced version of Syndicate with the point-controlling mechanics of Sacrifice, and any sense of urgency quashed by the fact that you cannot lose, it's just a question of how long it takes to win. The visuals are all abstract and stylish and shit, but there are a zillion other abstract games that are more stylish without having inconsistent framerates that constantly buckle under the strain of all the minimally textured simple polygons. Shit, the basic enemy is a flat line of triangles drawn directly on the ground. The most ironic part is that the stand-alone spaceship demo for the game is more stylish and interesting than any of the full game levels.
#3 Virtual Villagers
Gametunnel has really shitty taste in games. Take their 2006 Sim game of the year, Virtual Villagers. An ugly and dull game about assigning tasks to your idiot volcano refugees, then waiting several hours of real time for the task to be completed, only to return and find them all dead because your researchers decided it would be more fun to try to push the impossible to puch boulder instead of researching farming and thus left the village without food after the berry bush ran out. Fun! The puzzles in the game range from drool bib obvious: use a constructor on the blocked well to give access to fresh water, to Sierra-level insane: research religion to level 3 then dunk a pregnant woman in the lagoon to cause her to give birth to jesus, who proceeds to solve many of the island's problems through deus ex machina. Plus your villagers look like what you'd get if a superdeformed anime character fucked a muppet.
#2 Defcon
Defcon is no more "The World's first Genocide 'em up" than Introversion is "The last of the bedroom programmers." Cornutopia created a vector-based "War Games" years earlier. This excruciatingly slow and dull game, even on the max speed settings, coul easily be a flash game. All the oohing and ahing about the diplomacy model is bullshit, there are console-based First Person Shooters with more complex diplomacy. I am convinced that if steam never picked these guys up, no one would have heard of this game, much less declare it art because they decided to add sad music. Why steam picks up and hypes the hell out of introversion's snore-fests while turning down awesome games like Determinance is beyond me.
#1 Snood
One of the most popular puzzle games in the world! It's the ugliest Bust-a-Move clone imaginable and it installs gobs of spybots onto your computer. Fuck snood. |
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Mischief Maker's Top 100 indie games by Mischief Shai-hulud 01/21/2008, 5:43pm PST 
#100-91 by Mischief Shai-hulud 01/21/2008, 6:20pm PST
I played Dink Smallwood for the first and last time in 1997. by Jerry Whorebach 01/22/2008, 1:08am PST
#30-21 by Mischief Maker 01/28/2008, 7:28pm PST
Shit. NT by Mischief Maker 01/28/2008, 7:28pm PST
99% of these games are indie for a reason: they suck and no one wants them. NT by Robert Redford 01/21/2008, 10:59pm PST
Except they're free so you don't have to pay money for them. :( NT by Jhoh Creebul, Witch Toucher O_O 01/22/2008, 1:33am PST
$20!!! NT by Robert Redford 01/22/2008, 3:42pm PST
You could almost buy TWO tickets to my theater with that! NT by Robert Redford 01/22/2008, 3:42pm PST
Hey man, how do you feel about sleeping pill legislation? NT by Fussbett 01/22/2008, 4:08pm PST
Excuse me sir, the first indent is reserved for Mr. Maker NT by Thread usher 01/22/2008, 2:01am PST
That's why I'm listing 100. NT by Mischief Shai-hulud 01/22/2008, 8:36am PST
Yeah, they have a ways to go before they are as good as the average commercial r NT by elease by Ice Cream Jonsey 01/22/2008, 2:00pm PST
#90-81 by Mischief Shai-hulud 01/22/2008, 3:55pm PST
Grid Wars at #87! Truly this list has many surprises NT by Ice Cream Jonsey 01/22/2008, 4:30pm PST
Awesome, now I know where to find nineteen games worse than One Must Fall: 2097. NT by Jerry Whorebach 01/22/2008, 5:30pm PST
you beat me too it :( NT by mark 01/22/2008, 6:39pm PST
This is a great list, keep going, and ICJ and JW are dinks. NT by Zseni, the voice of reason 01/22/2008, 5:36pm PST
I wasn't being sarcastic by Ice Cream Jonsey 01/22/2008, 6:11pm PST
Small Disclaimer by Mischief Shai-hulud 01/22/2008, 6:42pm PST
Shut your whore mouth. by Zseni, the voice of reason 01/22/2008, 6:44pm PST
Re: I wasn't being sarcastic by Zseni, the voice of reason 01/22/2008, 6:43pm PST
Re: I wasn't being sarcastic by Mischief Maker 01/25/2008, 9:09pm PST
#80-71 by Mischief Shai-hulud 01/23/2008, 8:33pm PST
Since when does "subtle allegory" mean "complete ripoff of Dune?" by Jerry Whorebach 01/24/2008, 1:22am PST
Note: Yavin's default keyboard scheme is not mapped to WASD. NT by Mischief Shai-hulud 01/24/2008, 5:40am PST
Battle of Yavin by FABIO 01/25/2008, 11:06pm PST
Yes. No!! NT by Battle of Yavin Guy 01/25/2008, 11:49pm PST
Just keep as many of your wingmen alive as you can. They'll handle the rest. NT by Mischief Maker 01/26/2008, 7:14am PST
TRY NOT TO LOSE! by FABIO 01/26/2008, 8:42pm PST
I said "indie" games, not "pussy" games. by Mischief Maker 01/27/2008, 7:49am PST
...and one thing I forgot to mention by Mischief Maker 01/26/2008, 11:31am PST
#70-61 by Mischief Shai-hulud 01/24/2008, 7:42pm PST
This made my day. Very kind of you, thanks! NT by Ice Cream Jonsey 01/24/2008, 10:15pm PST
Now make our day and get a download link that works. NT by The Happiness Engine 01/25/2008, 7:59pm PST
Never mind, it downloads now. NT by The Happiness Engine 01/25/2008, 8:23pm PST
Yeah, I also had trouble downloading it yesterday, but it came in fine just now. by Jerry Whorebach 01/25/2008, 9:28pm PST
Download trouble by Ice Cream Jonsey 01/25/2008, 9:49pm PST
Re: #70-61 by Larkin 02/16/2008, 4:38pm PST
#60-51 by Mischief Maker 01/25/2008, 6:43pm PST
Starships Unlimited walkthrough by FABIO 01/25/2008, 11:00pm PST
#50-41 by Mischief Maker 01/26/2008, 12:08pm PST
Hamsterball is not better than BreakQuest or N by Vested Id 01/26/2008, 7:15pm PST
#40-31 by Mischief Maker 01/27/2008, 12:55pm PST
#31 is Freeware. Whoops. NT by Mischief Maker 01/27/2008, 1:07pm PST
I can resist that Barkley game no longer. NT by Ice Cream Jonsey 01/27/2008, 1:27pm PST
Bro and I played it through by Zsenitan 02/03/2008, 9:12pm PST
Re: #40-31 by Bananadine 01/27/2008, 4:21pm PST
You can hold Ctrl to skip the dialouge by Mischief Maker 01/27/2008, 5:40pm PST
OK and I will change all the sprites, backgrounds, and music myself too! by Bananadine 01/27/2008, 6:20pm PST
Re: OK and I will change all the sprites, backgrounds, and music myself too! by Mischief Maker 01/27/2008, 6:41pm PST
Re: OK and I will change all the sprites, backgrounds, and music myself too! by Bananadine 01/27/2008, 9:21pm PST
Mecha porn: IN! Maidens: OUT! NT by BUGGER THAT CHILD 01/28/2008, 12:50am PST
Before you get too smug, remember that he's imaginary. NT by Jerry Whorebach 01/28/2008, 1:27am PST
#30-21 by Mischief Maker 01/28/2008, 7:29pm PST
Zombie Smashers is awesome by bombMexico 01/29/2008, 1:39am PST
The link worked last week :( NT by Mischief Maker 01/29/2008, 6:12am PST
We'll we're at it. Your Mutant Storm link goes to PARSEC47 NT by Worm 01/29/2008, 7:35am PST
Argh! by Mischief Maker 01/29/2008, 7:59am PST
Now they just need to remake RCR on xbawcks live 360 with 4 player coop. NT by Jhoh Creebul, Witch Toucher O_O 01/29/2008, 11:28am PST
#20-11 by Mischief Maker 01/29/2008, 3:58pm PST
#16 is Freeware. Doh! NT by Mischief Maker 01/29/2008, 4:04pm PST
Article ruined. Scrap and start over NT by George Brussard 01/29/2008, 8:07pm PST
I hope you put in a scene where the indie games throw baloney at Caltrops. NT by 3DR forum member 01/29/2008, 8:45pm PST
The top ten will be posted on Friday by Mischief Maker 01/30/2008, 6:46am PST
Re: #20-11 by Bananadine 03/05/2008, 5:51pm PST
Honorable Mentions by Mischief Maker 02/01/2008, 7:54pm PST
Nikujin fucking infuriates me. Toribash is great. by Worm 02/01/2008, 9:15pm PST
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVTM7kH97dU NT by Where's Flatspace? 02/04/2008, 12:31am PST
Re: Honorable Mentions by Bananadine 03/05/2008, 5:56pm PST
There is an option to turn off mothership damage. NT by Mischief Maker 03/05/2008, 7:54pm PST
The top 5 most overrated indie games by Mischief Maker 02/02/2008, 8:54am PST
No Kohan? NT by FABIO 02/02/2008, 11:15am PST
I didn't think that was an indie title. NT by Mischief Shai-hulud 02/02/2008, 12:09pm PST
Really? The production values were low enough NT by FABIO 02/02/2008, 12:13pm PST
Haha, Snood. by Fullofkittens 02/02/2008, 1:25pm PST
#10-1 by Mischief Shai-hulud 02/02/2008, 11:52am PST
The Crimson Room belongs in here NT by FABIO 02/02/2008, 12:12pm PST
really? The production values were low enough NT by FABIO 02/02/2008, 12:13pm PST
whoops, I meant The White Chamber by FABIO 02/02/2008, 12:19pm PST
I expect a long cavalcade of "Psh!"s and "REAL Top 10 indie games" lists. NT by Mischief Shai-hulud 02/02/2008, 12:25pm PST
I assumed it was one of the ones you just forgot NT by FABIO 02/02/2008, 8:17pm PST
That, too. NT by Mischief Shai-hulud 02/02/2008, 9:54pm PST
Also Galactic Civilizations 2? NT by FABIO 02/03/2008, 6:13am PST
I found GalCiv 2 to be a supreme disappointment. NT by Mischief Shai-hulud 02/03/2008, 9:15am PST
I'm starting to think that too by FABIO 02/03/2008, 7:08pm PST
Exactly. The ship customization is a total cock-tease. NT by Mischief Shai-hulud 02/03/2008, 8:37pm PST
Re: I'm starting to think that too by Quétinbec 03/13/2008, 3:16am PDT
Fabio, you fucking cunt! Have you played Sins? NT by Quétinbec 03/16/2008, 5:34pm PDT
yes! by FABIO 03/26/2008, 7:59am PDT
Thanks for doing all this! by Fullofkittens 02/02/2008, 12:56pm PST
My pleasure, fag! NT by Mischief Shai-hulud 02/02/2008, 1:51pm PST
In regards to TDR by Worm 02/02/2008, 1:23pm PST
Re: In regards to TDR by Mischief Shai-hulud 02/02/2008, 1:50pm PST
I'm just trying to beat the first boss. by Worm 02/02/2008, 2:41pm PST
Neither by Mischief Shai-hulud 02/02/2008, 2:54pm PST
Yeah, I figured it was something like that. by Worm 02/02/2008, 3:08pm PST
Re: Neither by FABIO 06/06/2008, 3:15am PDT
Re: #10-1 by Bananadine 02/03/2008, 7:11am PST
It sounds like someone, somewhere owes you twenty-ish dollars. by Jerry Whorebach 02/03/2008, 7:28am PST
Re: It sounds like someone, somewhere owes you twenty-ish dollars. by Bananadine 02/03/2008, 7:38am PST
Thanks anyway, but I doubt my computer would EVEN run it. by Jerry Whorebach 02/03/2008, 9:13am PST
Are you sure about that? by Mischief Shai-hulud 02/03/2008, 9:26am PST
He was in his underwear with another man when police raided the apartment O_o NT by Jerry Whorebach 02/03/2008, 9:47am PST
I'll snatch it by FABIO 02/03/2008, 7:15pm PST
Re: I'll snatch it by FABIO 02/03/2008, 7:15pm PST
Re: I'll snatch it by Mischief Shai-hulud 02/03/2008, 8:36pm PST
ALSO. Some games I would have listed. by Bananadine 02/03/2008, 7:37am PST
Cheers and jeers by Fussbett 03/12/2008, 2:48pm PDT
Re: Cheers and jeers by Mischief Maker 03/12/2008, 3:22pm PDT
Re: Cheers and jeers by Jhoh Creebul, Witch Toucher O_O 03/12/2008, 7:56pm PDT
Re: Cheers and jeers by I need clarification 03/13/2008, 8:10am PDT
Re: #61 Titans of Steel - New version for free ! by Larkin 03/13/2008, 2:24am PDT
HOW CAN I CHECK IT OUT IF YOU DON'T LINK TO IT HRRRRRRRRRNFHGFFGFSFDBBVGFTR35RDS by Jhoh Creebul, Witch Toucher O_O 03/13/2008, 3:07am PDT
The Dink Network has some comments by Fussbett 03/23/2008, 4:29pm PDT
*cries* NT by Mischief Maker 03/23/2008, 5:24pm PDT
those people aren't very good at posting their comments in the article's forum NT by Bananadine 03/23/2008, 6:13pm PDT
Scorched Earth: unpardonable omission? by Ray of Light 03/23/2008, 6:48pm PDT
"What selection criteria could INclude OMF2097?" is enough NT by you don't need the rest 03/23/2008, 6:59pm PDT
Now I'm getting curious by Mischief Maker 03/24/2008, 5:40am PDT
That's like asking what differentiates Sonic the Hedgehog from Bubsy the Bobcat. by Jerry Whorebach 03/24/2008, 8:14am PDT
Re: Now I'm getting curious by FABIO 03/24/2008, 1:15pm PDT
The problem with OMF2097 is, people have played it. NORMAL people. NT by Unlike all those other games. 03/24/2008, 1:23pm PDT
An ugly Rise of the Robots is the worst game I can imagine NT by Entropy Stew 03/25/2008, 11:58am PDT
A real live person wouldn't ask this question by bombMexico 03/24/2008, 10:48pm PDT
HA! Ha ha! I win again, bombMexico NT by Mobygames.com 03/24/2008, 10:49pm PDT
I resolve to enjoy Moby Games even less by bombMexico 03/24/2008, 11:02pm PDT
What about the other four?!? Don't tease me, Mobygames! NT by Jerry Whorebach 03/25/2008, 6:28am PDT
Re: What about the other four?!? Don't tease me, Mobygames! by bombMexico 03/25/2008, 10:14pm PDT
OMF Battlegrounds wasn't on the list because it was terrible by Mischief Maker 03/26/2008, 4:29am PDT
Woah, OMF is like Shanghai Alice? by Worm Am I? 03/26/2008, 10:43am PDT
Also: by Mischief Maker 03/26/2008, 6:02am PDT
BombMexico is Chris McCandless? by ? 03/26/2008, 8:34am PDT
It's always good to see N.A.R.C. brought up by Ice Cream Jonsey 03/26/2008, 11:29am PDT
Re: It's always good to see N.A.R.C. brought up by bombMexico 03/26/2008, 11:32pm PDT
I'm going to politely ignore that this is a double reply by bombMexico 03/26/2008, 11:17pm PDT
Just because it's called a "mobile" home doesn't make it transportation. NT by Mischief Maker 03/27/2008, 4:39am PDT
Also: PSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NT by Mischief Maker 03/27/2008, 4:40am PDT
Chun Li's legs. Some think they've changed lives. by Quétinbec 03/24/2008, 11:25pm PDT
So the general consensus is "Not enough Anime." Okay, that explains the rage. NT by Mischief Maker 03/25/2008, 5:53am PDT
Jerry already explained it perfectly, but whatever helps you sleep at night, man NT by Fussbett 03/25/2008, 9:54am PDT
I'm with MM, frankly by Ice Cream Jonsey 03/25/2008, 11:59am PDT
Also, GunBound made Scorched Earth irrelevant NT by Ice Cream Jonsey 03/25/2008, 12:05pm PDT
How does GunBound affect Scorched Earth? That was all people played at one point NT by Souffle of Pain 03/25/2008, 12:12pm PDT
Re: How does GunBound affect Scorched Earth? That was all people by Ice Cream Jonsey 03/25/2008, 12:19pm PDT
Choosing GunBound over Scorched Earth: OK. SF2 over OMF: YOU'RE A JERK. NT by Fussbett 03/25/2008, 12:40pm PDT
Perhaps the answer is that there are/were no good freeware fighters by Ice Cream Jonsey 03/25/2008, 1:21pm PDT
I hear there are some passable doujin fighters starring lolis and their panties. NT by But, y'know, North American laws :( 03/25/2008, 2:22pm PDT
WAGE!!! NT by Mischief Maker 03/25/2008, 2:48pm PDT
Baraka had a nice deck NT by made of bamboo 03/25/2008, 12:36pm PDT
Parents just don't understand. v_v NT by Jerry Whorebach 03/25/2008, 12:40pm PDT
Some say he's a woman, but has anyone tried accusing MM of being a minority? by Quétinbec 03/25/2008, 9:23pm PDT
Chzo Mythos by FABIO 06/03/2008, 8:32am PDT
hey that reminds me by Bananadine 06/03/2008, 9:16am PDT
CRAP I already posted that by Bananadine 06/03/2008, 9:17am PDT
I take that back =( by FABIO 06/05/2008, 3:16pm PDT
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