bernieh wrote:

I have sleep apnea! Wooooo! High-five.

For a while now Elaine's been complaining about my snoring, and I believed her that I snore, but I never knew how bad it was. There'd be times in the middle of the night where she'd shove me in frustration and I'm like, "What! How could I be snoring, I've been lying here awake!" which was of course total B.S. I told her to record me one night so I could hear for myself, which she avoided for a while, but finally did using our camera in video mode. I finally learned why our bedroom furniture is always in different places in the morning and why a team of confused seismologists is always wandering around our block. And that I look cute when I'm sleeping.

So off I went to spend a night at a sleep clinic to find out if I have the same thing that both my dad has and my brother have (being that apnea can be genetic, it was almost a foregone conclusion). Good thing I have a bemused curiosity about things like this, like the "collection" room when I went to make sure my "equipment" wasn't "shooting blanks" so I could have "money-sucking kids that won't give you a moment's peace and will draw on your walls and by the way, we'll have TWO AT A TIME which'll make life hell so GOOD LUCK."

Except there wasn't any porn! Only a TV with just network channels so I was forced to watch "So You Think You Can Be Smarter Than a Fifth Grader Who Forgets the Lyrics or No Deal: Fiji". Shows like this are why Elaine is grateful for Pay-per-view and Netflix during the summer. At least it helped put me to sleep so the guys in white coats could start their study. Until they woke me up at 2am and said COULD YOU NOT SNORE SO LOUD YOU'RE WAKING UP THE OTHER SNORING PATIENTS.

When I went in to see the doctor to get my results, I was already resigned to the fact that I might need to get the same surgery that my brother did, which fixed his problem. But the guy said, "your apnea is so bad, surgery wouldn't help." All right! I dodged THAT bullet. Apparently I had short breathing stoppages fifty-two times in an hour. The normal rate is about three.

So at home, I'm now trying to wear a CPAP mask to bed to help me breathe better, stop snoring and get more restful sleep. (I get "CPAP" and "pap smear" confused, I don't even know what "pap smear" is but I know I don't want it on my face) And it's been tough so far. It's too hot and humid these days to be wearing a large mask on your face all night, especially one that needs to be tight enough so there's no air leaks, and that's blowing air at you so hard you feel like you're sky diving (or: think Jackie Chan, Operation Condor, wind tunnel). But I'm trying. Like with everything, I know I'll get used to it eventually.

At least Elaine gets to fulfill her lifelong dream of sleeping with Darth Vader. C'mon girls, admit it, I know there's plenty of you out there.

grendelpete wrote:

GOod call on the Vader lovin. My wife has that. No if I can only get her into that Princess Leia Jabba-slave outfit.