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| Man do I hate the fucking escapist. by Worm 10/07/2008, 5:08pm PDT | ||||
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| Apparently a game made by Toyota called Yaris is good enough for some imbecile to write an article that gets at the top of my weekly Escapist Newsletter.
He starts off basically bitching about the game and tries to thinly veil it like he didn't know what the game was about, which is good enough to end up in the stylized quote section of the review. If you're in a rush, I'll do you a favor, since you can read these stylized quotes and have the same amount of contempt for the writer and The Escapist, I'll just put them next to one another.
I don't know where they learned to use the bold tag pretentiously, but it's pretty fucking amazing. It's way easier than reading the article, but you miss out on some of the best stuff that way. He does a paragraph for advertising in games where he came up with some Space Invaders thing and the Cool Spot, totally neglecting pinball tables, Yo! Noid, or that stupid Aerosmith game. You might think in-game advertising is a non-issue if this guy can't bother to properly document it, but that's not true, he just wants to get back into bitching. I'd like to note that he suffixed marketing with ploy and ruse separately, which only leaves 'mindfuck' for his second page, so I'm pretty excited. But 7 Up had stumbled upon a surprising truth about advergames: Players are usually more than willing to forgive the "advertising" part as long as the "game" part is fun. I love that someone had to stumble on this arcane knowledge so all the New Games Journalists can be amazing with mouths agape. What could it possibly mean that people enjoy fun things, regardless of if their advertising in it? Hell I've enjoyed crappy food just because it was branded with some game in my childhood, I can't believe these guys are posing as hard as to pretend it's surprising that people like fun. The sneer quotes are advertising and game are my favorite part. Not only is he an expert on what makes a game (not the fucking Cool Spot or Noid) but he's also going to say that it's not even advertising when it's contained within a game. You use sex, fear, websites, viral videos, terrorist threats whatever, but when you bring this "advertising" into video games(if you can even call them that after they are raped for FILTHY GREED), you've crossed THE MOTHERFUCKING LINE. Companies have quickly caught on since the days of Cool Spot. It's no longer surprising to see a lone Gillette Fusion truck on the streets of Burnout Paradise, or watch Mattias Nielson call in a Hummer H3 for his gallivanting in Mercenaries. We expect most of these marketing ruses, even when they don't fit the rest of the game. (Every other vehicle in Mercenaries, for example, was brown, dark green or grey, while the H3 was bright red.) Yeah I'm sure all the corporate executives out there aren't just trying to get exposure for the product, they really want to specifically further disgust and surprise Robert Sullivan. Here comes the second page, that's what the stylized quote on the right hand side is from, so, hold your breath. *AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH Corporations have noticed this stagnation and decided it was time for the relationship to get a little more serious. Enter the MMORPG. Gamers are now online for extended periods of time interacting in a world that exists only as a case on a rack in a server room. Move over de Gama, we've got new realms to explore. Get hungry on the journey? /pizza. Pizza Hut's on the way to the house. Need to buy some furniture on credit? Apply for the World of Warcraft credit card. Sims home a little sparse? For a nominal fee, fill it with virtual IKEA furniture. And those looking to do some shopping can now do so entirely through the commercialized virtual world of Second Life. Many Fortune 500 companies have even developed their own plot of e-land within this growing world to allow users to live, play and (hopefully) buy with greater ease. COUGH COUGH COUGH* When I started reading, the /pizza popped in my head, and I didn't think he was going to go there. Though boom, there he went and did it. I think people who only heard about that from DIGG really do everyone a disservice by acting like they know what the fuck they're talking about. First of all, you type /pizza and it pops up an external browser for dominos.com, fuck that shit. I was expecting a totally inlined system that even billed the card I had on my EQ2 account, I wanted a optional quest for free cheesy bread(with purchase of 12.99 or higher). The /pizza command wasn't some insidious plot by evil advertisers but just some of the shit SOE managed to make stick to the wall. This is like bringing up the columns type game from EQ1(or more recently WoW Bejeweled - Great for those long flights!) in an article about meta-gaming. Acting like a few disconnected stupid advertising ideas represent an advancement of current trends when none of them were a success is so fucking lame. No future games are going to have /pizza, no future games are going to have special credit cards, the whole The Sims thing is basically normal advertising, and Second Life is not a motherfucking game. What we really have here are a few stupid fucking ideas that only were even put out there because of the incompetence of SOE or the brazen balls and obscene popularity of Blizzard. I guess after that he realized he didn't have enough for an advertising article and starts going on about how they played CoD2 in that one episode of The Office. Much like /pizza this guy can't even live up to his negative potential. |
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Man do I hate the fucking escapist. by 10/07/2008, 5:08pm PDT  Pole Position's billboards were real ads NT by 10/07/2008, 7:08pm PDT Come on, you gotta mention Mr. Boston for the Vec, Escapist dude! NT by 10/07/2008, 9:55pm PDT (Because, as Vectrex players, this is all we have any more.) NT by 10/08/2008, 3:25pm PDT Well, wait, also this today: http://qwantz.com/ NT by 10/09/2008, 1:08pm PDT I don't need to play that game, because I LIVE that game NT by 10/09/2008, 1:25pm PDT including the fat twins on the motorcycles NT by 10/09/2008, 1:28pm PDT |
