Caltrops - Rants - Plantar Wart

Forum Overview :: Rants

by Fussbett 04/04/2005, 3:29pm PDT

So I had a callous on my foot for like... years. I seriously don't know when I first noticed it, but assumed it was my crappy running shoe at the time. Maybe Nike was right all along? I do need air in the sole?! Recently I noticed it looked worse and there was kind of a second new spot beside the old one. Right away I know it's cancer because I heard one of the people on Survivor had a leg amputated because of a foot lump.

INTERNET PRO TIP:
Don't bother doing a search for "cancer Survivor" unless you want inspirational stories about heroes.

I let the idea of being footless bother me for a week before finally sitting down at my computer (ha ha, like I left it!) and Googling "planters warts", which is the only other foot ailment that I vaguely know of. Turns out it's actually called a "plantar wart", so right away I'm bettering myself. Now I won't make that embarassing mistake in public. After researching, it's clear that I have a plantar wart, the only difference being that pain when walking is often mentioned, but I didn't have that.

INTERNET PRO TIP:
Do not do a Google Images search on "plantar wart" unless you are Stile of Stile Project. Apparently not everyone has the curiousity or the internet or the public health care to deal with plantar warts when they only cover "some" of the foot. They probably just threw some Gold Bond powder on it and hoped for the best

Feeling good about saving my foot from amputation, I head over to the walk-in clinic, the one of which I just discovered is open until 11:00pm; possibly the greatest advance in medicine of recent memory. The second greatest advance is hiring HOT employees like this young girl in the tightest of office attire doing the filing behind the receptionist. I quickly realize I'm in jeopardy of losing her as a soulmate when I've got to tell the receptionist why I'm here. "I have a plantar wart", I say, maybe too quickly.

"A what?"

"A plantar wart."

"OH WARTS!"

...and she writes WARTS on the post-it note, sticks it onto my official-looking paper print out, and hands it to the hot girl. Hot girl reads it, and takes it away to the wart doctor I GUESS.

Hot girl calls me from the waiting room to lead me down the hall to the wart doctor and for the five second trip I try to think of a way to bring up the fact that one in ten people have plantar warts. Unable, she walks out of my life.

Doctor takes one look at my foot after I brush off the sock lint and says that I can try to use the Dr. Scholls plantar wart pads, or I can just get it taken care of now, which of course is what I want. At the turn of the century, doctors would actually burn warts off of patients and it was a painful procedure. Can you believe that? That century turn: RIGHT NOW. Their method of dealing with a plantar wart is to stab you with liquid nitrogen, which burns the wart.

PLANTAR WART PRO TIP:
Think twice before applying acid to your painful foot.

The end, put your blistering foot back into your linty sock and limp home, motherfucker. The doctor tells me to come back in 10 days as I might need to be burned again. Shocked, I ask if I could use the Dr. Scholl's pads in the meantime, doubling up the treatment to really hammer down the wart. Hey, you know what's in the Dr. Scholl's pads? Acid! Fucking acid!