Forum Overview :: Rants :: I bought a bike from the whitest people in creation.

[quote name="Zsenitan"]Like classic John Hughes movie right-side-of-the-tracks white, with the house in the Horrendously Well-To-Do Hills, the 4 blonde children (boys in football, girls in soccer,) white Escalade in the driveway, the spry, sporty, fearless blonde housefrau, good lord. I got the bike at half price as the eldest daughter, 13, 5'10", a fresh honey-haired Tasmin Egerton, had grown three inches in the previous year, and her perilously long legs no longer suited the bike frame. "Up to six feet," Fearless Mum confessed to me, impromptu, "she's fine. I pray she doesn't get taller than that though." Insult to injury: Sport Mom coached me on riding the bike! She absolutely had to see me ride it, with my monstrous quadriceps - of which I was so proud only moments before - straining at my slacks like pugs panicking in a sack. My ass looming over the edges of the gel seat, an impossible gravity-tempting catastrophe in the making! I was ready to give them all my money just to make the punishment stop. "There you go, honey." She sang out as I grunted up and down the street. "You've got it now!" Their purebred Himalayan sat in the driveway, scornful of contact with the unwashed. I felt a disconsolate lurch in my guts as I piled my unbearably filthy and ratty ass into my unbearably filthy and ratty-ass car with bike and all. My god, this morning I was perfectly in control of everything. These House Beautiful bohunks had overset my reason. A niggling self-correcting internal voice, gently murmuring "but you're beautiful <i>mentally</i>" was unhelpful; it churned a dismal butter from the cream of my discontent. "But you're <i>interesting!</i>" What complete nonsense. (Back at work, I discussed the matter with the HR Director's secretary. She too opined twaddle on the level of "but you have a sparkling wit," with the even-more-unhealthy "well when I wore a scoliosis brace in junior high, I <i>had</i> to develop a personality!" Proof absolute that <i>personality</i> is the red-ribbon prize, a permanent second-best to a 34" inseam and even white teeth.)[/quote]