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| Re: Blade: Trinity (Sucks! (Har har!)) by Mischief Shai-hulud 01/23/2005, 5:12pm PST | ||||
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| Holy suck the cock of satan you Xtreem Attitude-havin' corporate whores, Batman! How do you fuck up a Blade movie?
It's like a bunch of white d00ds in parkas gathered around a big table with bottles of Code Red by every seat and said, "Yo, I'm sick of these Blade movies with their focusin' around this dude with fantastic superpowers takin' on superpowered vampires. Where's the respect fo' my bruthas? Who am I supposed to identify wif?" And then another guy adjusted his sweatshirt hood and said, "Check it out, G! I gots a solution, oldskool! I flipped to tha cartoon network and caught the Superfriends and like, BAM! Lightbulb! I don' know what it's like havin' X-ray vision or magic lassos or fucking green rings and shit. But I can i-den-ti-fy with Marvin and Wendy! What? What?" Just what I wanted. A Blade movie that 2/3rds of the time isn't showing blade kicking ass but instead showing characters with no powers getting their asses kicked. No, that would merely be annoying if the characters were only worthless. But the hacks behind this script made them into The escruciating duo with "Spazzy" the Mtv attitude guy inappropriately riffing over and over as if his character's entire existence depends on it (hint: it does.) and "the babylon whore of product placement" who dresses as slutty as possible to attract attention to her i-pod and other fine merchandise (You don't have any powers and you're going to fight vampies with the added disadvantage of not being able to hear anything?) And don't forget the worthless backup squad! "Het guys, it's me, the token black guy in a movie with a black protagonist! I got you a new car! It's a Black GMC Yukon, what all the B-boys drive! It doesn't have a nitro boost or UV headlights or any of the other cool shit your souped-up muscle car had. In fact it's probably a lot more likely to flip during high-speed chases with vampires. But man are you gonna get the honeys, just like all the other guys who drive Yukons! Well that's all you're going to see of me until my inevitable tragic demise! Nice, i-pod, girl!" We went from Blade teaming up with a squad of super-powered openly-hostile eurotrash vampire commandos to these Mtv wet farts? Actually it would all be worth it if after all their posturing and product placing and odious comic relief you got to see them all get slaughtered the first time they actually get in a fight with some real vampires. I'd have been ROFLing my ass off. But this movie had to make the vampires in this movie unusually wimpy to compensate. Look, here's a skinny little waif with no powers beating the crap out of a group of vampires hand-to-hand! Here's spazzy getting into a WWF fight with a big muscular vampire that goes on for fifteen minutes and he's still not seriously hurt! Whatever happened to the vampires from Blade 1 who could just grab a human who displeased them and rip their throat out in a single move? I guess that power was reserved to make Dracula look badass. What? Dracula vs. Blade? How could that not be awesome? By the guys making the movie drawing inspiration from "Underworld" and casting as dracula the plainest-looking, boringest, most blank-faced actor on the planet. He does a whole lot of nothing. He makes vague references to some warrior code and delights at the term "motherfucker." He shape-shifts, but does NOTHING with that power. He doesn't even do anythign particularly interesting in his climactic battle with Blade that one of the previous movies didn't already do better. With all the quick cuts and shaky camerawork they put into action movies these days you can edit a scene to make any actor look like a kung-fu master, why not cast Gregory Rush as Dracula? Can you imagine the kickass back-and-forth of Parker Posey as a yuppie vampire bitch-queen against Gregory Rush as an impossibly jaded ancient evil who's only hanging around with her because Blade is the one interesting thing he's seen for centuries? How about a scene of dracula walking into a goth shop that actually mines its potential for hilarity instead of turning, once again, into one of those "the teenage cleark was an asshole to the wrong dude scenes? And it must finally be said, this movie broke the unspoken rule of all comic adaptation movies: never actually show a comic book, especially being read by a character with the informed attribute of "coolness." |
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Blade: Trinity (Spoilers!) by 12/11/2004, 6:50pm PST  This movie is fucking terrible. NT by 12/11/2004, 8:05pm PST laudable vs mrs j, which way do I go? :( NT by 12/11/2004, 8:30pm PST WHY THEY FUCK DID THEY PRODUCT PLACE THE IPOD? by 12/11/2004, 11:33pm PST Yes, that was gay. NT by 12/12/2004, 1:36am PST Some blame me. NT by 12/12/2004, 2:38pm PST Re: Blade: Trinity (Sucks! (Har har!)) by 01/23/2005, 5:12pm PST This movie was made for fans of the book, not moviegoers by 01/23/2005, 7:48pm PST This was one of the worst movies ever by 12/24/2008, 3:52am PST I can't tell - is this good-bad or shitty-bad? by 12/24/2008, 12:40pm PST It alternates between dull and lazy by 12/24/2008, 8:02pm PST Why I'm Not Going to See Blade Trinity, Part I: The Cast by 12/24/2008, 7:13pm PST |
