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Re: He still makes a good point. by Mischief Maker 08/16/2011, 10:05pm PDT
Jerry Whorebach wrote:

I guess I was trying to give an example of the kind of situation I don't handle well. I may have been breathing slowly, smiling softly, and maintaining eye contact (thanks, therapy, I'm sure I look totally normal doing all that stuff), but on the inside I was FREAKING OUT.


Well I'm no therapist. I know that if you force yourself to smile (spreading the feeling all the way to your eyes) your mood involuntarily perks up a bit, so maybe that's what the therapist was trying.

I am, however, a lawyer/mediator and communication is my business. Especially in tense high-stress situations. If I were to rank the 3 most important parts of face-to-face communication in order of importance they would go:

1. Self Esteem

2. Matching your tone, body position, and energy level to the person you're talking to, and shifting the tone gradually.

3. The actual words you say.

The reason I make #1 self esteem instead of self-confidence is because it's a rare soul who can convincingly bluff self confidence when their self esteem is in the sewer. On the flip side, if you have the necessary self-esteem, the breath control, eye contact and everything else comes naturally without you having to consciously think about it, and it won't seem forced.

Now I have a question for you, and I'm not being facetious: do the negatives of your social isolation outweigh the positives? I imagine a big plus of being socially isolated is the extra time you get for playing time-consuming video games or watching entire seasons of TV at once. Do you feel miserable because you want to be more socially active, or do you only really feel bad about your current lifestyle because your therapist and friends give you a hard time about it? Because if deep down you don't want to hang out at coffee shops, you'd probably be ten times happier jerking off to the mental image of the cute barista than trying to go through the relationship wringer with her.

But if you truly do want to become more socially active, then from a pure technique standpoint you must develop your self-esteem. Like I said last post, you have to drop the self-depreciating bullshit about not living up to some imaginary paragon of virtue. "Yeah, I managed to discipline myself for months and reach my target weight. Whoop dee doo, it's not like I independently designed the world's first commercially feasible private spacecraft in that time." Fuck that shit, it's counterproductive, stop wasting the mental energy on it.

In your mind, if you are the kind of person you'd want to talk to and hang out with, all the right moves and all the right words, (or at least an acceptable amount of them) will fall into place. Here at Caltrops, you're one of the smartest, funniest, and most beloved posters around. Shit, I steal your jokes! It's not some wild fantasy that you could be just as much fun in face-to-face conversations. Just don't let your ego get out of control and start withdrawing into your shell because your delivery wasn't 100% Seinfeld-precise.
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Obligatory how's it goin' Jerry thread header by WITTGENSTEIN 08/15/2011, 8:24pm PDT NEW
    :( NT by Fullofkittens 08/15/2011, 8:29pm PDT NEW
    Any room can be a panic room if you have the right attitude. by Jerry Whorebach 08/15/2011, 9:19pm PDT NEW
        Sounds like someone passed the change first by Ray of Light 08/15/2011, 11:12pm PDT NEW
        I had a similar disaster by Fullofkittens 08/16/2011, 5:57am PDT NEW
            Re: I had a similar disaster by This is Chris's Blood 08/16/2011, 12:11pm PDT NEW
        Re: Any room can be a panic room if you have the right attitude. by Entropy Stew 08/16/2011, 8:41am PDT NEW
        You... MONSTER! by Mischief Maker 08/16/2011, 5:50pm PDT NEW
            MM is a jurisdoctor, not an arithmedoctor. NT by binkbot 08/16/2011, 6:06pm PDT NEW
                He still makes a good point. by Jerry Whorebach 08/16/2011, 6:52pm PDT NEW
                    Re: He still makes a good point. by This is Chris's Blood 08/16/2011, 9:50pm PDT NEW
                    Re: He still makes a good point. by Mischief Maker 08/16/2011, 10:05pm PDT NEW
                        4. Body odor by 99. Basic math (lawyers don't use t 08/17/2011, 1:26am PDT NEW
                            Shit. That's what I get for posting on 3 hours of sleep. NT by Mischief Maker 08/17/2011, 9:01am PDT NEW
                        Re: He still makes a good point. by laudablepuss 08/17/2011, 9:16am PDT NEW
                            Well now that I realized my goof I'm more confused. by Mischief Maker 08/18/2011, 10:34am PDT NEW
                    wait. you're supposed to hold eye contact with retail people (I'm doomed) by up with pod people 08/17/2011, 9:50am PDT NEW
            Thanks, J. Jeph Jacques Esq. by fabio 08/17/2011, 3:36pm PDT NEW
                No problem, Aaron Diaz! by Mischief Maker 08/18/2011, 12:35am PDT NEW
        coda by up with pod people 09/23/2011, 8:47am PDT NEW
 
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