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by laudablepuss 05/30/2012, 9:39pm PDT |
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So I guess 2005 or so I jumped onto a site called Mate1, with some pictures my friends took of me. A few were really good, and I'm quite sure (in retrospect) that I looked good enough in one that it basically amounted to a flat-out lie. Armed with this, and a modest ability to string a couple words together, I found a bunch of girls who wanted to talk to me. This was pretty exciting since at this time, I was a virgin. Let's get that out of the way. Due to a variety of reasons -- unrealistic expectations, poor hygiene, cultivated lack of charm, shyness, stupidity, and I'd downplay it but health issues undoubtedly were involved to some extent too -- I never did do it. Oh yeah, and an escapist personality plus a rich imagination, that was a factor. Maybe at some point I'll make a part 0 or -1 to talk about the prehistory of sucking at online dating and go into that a little more.
Anyway, dunno if you've noticed this, but people are pretty different online than they are IRL. And sexy-talk is awesome if you've never done it before. (That works on two levels I guess.) High fives all around! My delusion was: if they wanted to do that, maybe they wanted to meet? Turns out, 100% of the time sexy talk and nudey pictures do not lead to anything. At least for me. Ever.
HOWEVER, there is also this invention called the "web cam". It may surprise you to learn that on only one occasion did I ever use it to see a girl naked. Rather, on a dozen occasions, these girls wanted to see me masturbate for them. This was a thrill like you wouldn't believe! On one weird but totally exciting occasion, I had three girls watching. Started with one, then another saw my webcam was on and requested to join and I clicked ok. Then a the third did the same. Hooray, I'm popular! Interestingly, while being a webcam whore was exciting, doing sexy talk via IM or on the phone I almost always faked the orgasm. It was fun enough just hearing the girls, then later I'd take care of business. But it just didn't work for me, especially typing with one hand. :/
It's tough to imagine the thrill now with the passage of a bunch of years -- I have no inclination to try that again, and I can't feel, through memory, what I felt back then. So it's odd. (I'd like to mention that I've talked to a few people who were similarly stupid when they first tried online dating, so I beg you, please take that into account before sentencing me. Thank you, Colonel Worf.)
Lots of the girls I talked to were from all around the country, because back then I supposed maybe I'd go meet them. And on one occasion I actually did, I visited an 18 year-old in a state that will remain nameless. So, she would have been 13 years younger than me. And oh boy, sex. But it was terrible, again probably for a variety of reasons, and it was a mess. Jhoh has nothing on me, folks.
Here's a great moment though: I was talking to another, I dunno 18 year-old probably, on the phone in the same period where I was talking to the girl above about visiting her. And they had similar voices, and I was *totally exhausted* from work and I don't recall what else. Packing and getting things set, probably. And I got them mixed up, so I said I couldn't wait to go visit her and she said, "what? Do you know who I am?" Uh, you're [wrong name]? CLICK. Haha! Duurrr.
The last entry for the wild frontier period is a girl who was possibly the sexiest woman I've ever met, personality-wise and dirty-talking-wise, and who lived in a neighboring state. And she's the one that I did the webcam thing where I actually saw her. And, shallow that I am (and I think all of us are to some extent), she just wasn't very cute. I feel bad about this even now, because I suspect she actually had a pretty serious thing for me. Or could have. I dunno. Oh! Good moment: outside in my car at my brother's place late at night on the phone with her, talking dirty (because I wasn't gonna do that inside his house, and I planned to return later) . . . and I locked myself out when we were done. My memory is now a little hazy* but I think I must not have noticed right away and gone back inside. Then later, I discovered that my keys were in my car and my phone was dead, so I threw little pebbles at my brother's window for half an hour before he woke up and let me use his phone for a locksmith. AWE. SOME.
*[Joke blaming the hole they drilled in my head when I had liver failure for my poor memory goes here.] |
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Everyone raise your hand if you're not dead yet. by laudablepuss 05/30/2012, 2:46am PDT 
"Complete" is another word for "Finished" NT by Mischief Mindfuck 05/30/2012, 5:56am PDT
Hey I finally got this. NT by laudablepuss 05/30/2012, 12:51pm PDT
FINISH HIM! NT by Neil Clark Warren 05/30/2012, 5:31pm PDT
How much prednisone are you still on? Serious question. NT by Just Another Mysterious Stranger 05/30/2012, 6:28am PDT
5mg per day by laudablepuss 05/30/2012, 8:20am PDT
Not to minimize your midlife crisis or anything by Fullofkittens 05/30/2012, 5:41pm PDT
Agreeing with Mr. OfKittens here. by Just Another Mysterious Stranger 05/30/2012, 6:46pm PDT
Re: Agreeing with Mr. OfKittens here. by laudablepuss 05/30/2012, 9:44pm PDT
I take ALL OF THIS back. NT by laudablepuss 06/01/2012, 4:09am PDT
Re: Not to minimize your midlife crisis or anything by laudablepuss 05/30/2012, 9:40pm PDT
lol still alive! NT by Portal fag 05/30/2012, 1:22pm PDT
Re: Everyone raise your hand if you're not dead yet. by Dr. Herb Sewell 05/30/2012, 9:37pm PDT
Seconding photos. We can critique your wardrobe and more. NT by It will be harsh/fair. 05/31/2012, 3:17pm PDT
you look fat ugly stupid gay and why are you wearing that and why did you decora NT by The Internet 05/31/2012, 4:41pm PDT
Here's one by laudablepuss 06/06/2012, 12:36am PDT
Decent, but don't wear a baseball hat you can tuck your ears into, or a vest. NT by In fact, no baseball caps ever. 06/06/2012, 9:58am PDT
Part I: the wild frontier by laudablepuss 05/30/2012, 9:39pm PDT
If Caltrops had a "like" button, I'd be clicking it so hard right now. NT by Jonsey why doesn't Caltrops have a 05/30/2012, 10:26pm PDT
we'll get that right after the rape button NT by Entropy Stew 05/31/2012, 4:03am PDT
They should be the same button. NT by DR. PROBLEM SOLVER M.D. 05/31/2012, 3:35pm PDT
is it pathetic to be just a little bit jealous right now? -nt- :( NT by Oom Shnibble 05/31/2012, 10:40am PDT
Part V: what the fuck by laudablepuss 06/05/2012, 11:51pm PDT
One day I might get the hang of verb tense. :( NT by laudablepuss 06/06/2012, 12:39am PDT
You broke a lot of rules, son by Don Juan 06/06/2012, 1:01am PDT
Also. by Oom Shnibble 06/06/2012, 5:37am PDT
Re: You broke a lot of rules, son by laudablepuss 06/06/2012, 1:02pm PDT
Re: You broke a lot of rules, son by I'm the Brogrammer 06/06/2012, 2:38pm PDT
A lot of people online date the way a lot of people love Sex in the City by Don Juan 06/06/2012, 3:49pm PDT
Re: A lot of people online date the way a lot of people love Sex in the City by laudablepuss 06/06/2012, 4:26pm PDT
Re: You broke a lot of rules, son by laudablepuss 06/06/2012, 4:24pm PDT
Re: You broke a lot of rules, son by I'm the Brogrammer 06/06/2012, 2:49pm PDT
Traditional "Courting" is all about seducing the woman's father... by the one who infuriates you 06/06/2012, 8:56am PDT
Bizarre! You're really wildly off base with 90% of this. by laudablepuss 06/06/2012, 9:37am PDT
No it was all spot on by fabio 06/06/2012, 11:44am PDT
Re: No it was all spot on by laudablepuss 06/06/2012, 12:14pm PDT
Diseased? by fabio 06/06/2012, 12:40pm PDT
Yes, *diseased* by laudablepuss 06/06/2012, 12:52pm PDT
Re: Yes, *diseased* by fabio 06/06/2012, 1:03pm PDT
Theorizing that that post was by jsoh is a troll for the history books. NT by Fullofkittens 06/06/2012, 2:55pm PDT
It was obviously Mischief Maker by fabio 06/06/2012, 4:00pm PDT
It remains nonsense. by laudablepuss 06/06/2012, 4:16pm PDT
Re: It remains nonsense. by the one who infuriates you 06/06/2012, 6:25pm PDT
Still NO. by laudablepuss 06/06/2012, 7:01pm PDT
Have you learned NOTHING? Update us with your eyes, and your body! NT by Jerry Whorebach 06/06/2012, 7:15pm PDT
Let me repair that bit by laudablepuss 06/06/2012, 7:21pm PDT
D) Don't try to fuck her because you are immunosuppressed and herpes would be ba NT by Dignity, conscientiousness 06/07/2012, 12:11pm PDT
stop this by fabio 06/06/2012, 10:12pm PDT
Re: stop this by Souffle of Pain 06/06/2012, 10:19pm PDT
Re: stop this by Black Phillip 06/06/2012, 10:25pm PDT
Does posting as Black Phillip count as thread necromancy? NT by Mischief Maker 06/07/2012, 5:00am PDT
wow, these two posters are both present at once, they must be different people by the one who notices your tells 06/07/2012, 9:44am PDT
I am not Black Phillip. NT by Mischief Maker 06/07/2012, 8:22pm PDT
of course patrice agrees with me by the one who infuriates you 06/07/2012, 7:18am PDT
I thought it might have been pod people but maybe I dunno NT by Fullofkittens 06/06/2012, 4:36pm PDT
Mischief Maker is the one who capitalizes random nouns NT by Herpes Conrad 06/06/2012, 7:57pm PDT
I figured jsoh posted it to one of his red pill forums and he's copying response NT by s - Arbit 06/06/2012, 4:54pm PDT
Cool. Good for him. NT by laudablepuss 06/06/2012, 4:56pm PDT
Re: Traditional "Courting" is all about seducing the woman's father... by laudablepuss 06/06/2012, 9:43am PDT
How long have you been back? Now I have to re-read some posts. NT by Last 06/06/2012, 12:20pm PDT
I think this is too complex by Don't listen to MM 06/06/2012, 5:33pm PDT
Now HERES a man who can support my daughter in the lifestyle to which she's accu NT by Father-in-Law 06/06/2012, 6:27pm PDT
Re: Part V: what the fuck by Ice Cream Jonsey 06/06/2012, 12:23pm PDT
Re: Part V: what the fuck by wagnerfuckerjamesauter 06/06/2012, 4:14pm PDT
Part II: more of this by laudablepuss 06/06/2012, 9:31pm PDT
As you can see, I lied about editing this for clarity. Let the literary abomina NT by laudablepuss 06/06/2012, 9:37pm PDT
Re: Part II: more of this by Black Phillip 06/06/2012, 10:16pm PDT
This actually sounds decent. by MmmmmBop, by Hansen. 06/07/2012, 10:23am PDT
How's it going laudiblepuss? Still alive? NT by Quentinbec Rewind 10/03/2012, 10:49pm PDT
No. BooOOOooo! NT by laudableghost 10/04/2012, 2:42am PDT
AH OMG O_O by laudablepuss 10/04/2012, 3:38pm PDT
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