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by ALSO WAIT UNTIL IT'S ON CABLE 07/20/2015, 10:17pm PDT |
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I'm usually not opposed to child characters in movies - I think Phantasm and Terminator 2 show how amazing young boys can be when you do them correctly - but in this case they 100% ruined it. I couldn't help myself, all throughout I kept thinking how much better it would be if we had two old hands playing the bros. Like, imagine if Sir Ian McKellen decided to take a break from humpin' bums 24/7 to indulge his second love: lookin' at dinosaurs. So he takes his best mate Patrick Stewart to visit his niece (still Bryce Dallas Howard), where she's chief of frigid spinsterism on Jurassic Island. But Pat isn't into it like Ian, and he spends the whole time playing with his phone or mentally undressing teenage girls. That is until Ian tearfully confesses that the reason he had to get away was because his longtime boyfriend is leaving him and he doesn't know if he can go on. Meanwhile Pat is sad too because he realizes he's never had a longterm girlfriend, he just screws them and leaves them. Then as soon as they're done bonding all hell breaks loose, and they ride a hamster ball and jump off a waterfall and fix a jeep. "Ian, do you remember that time on the set of X2 when we replaced Brian Cox's car battery with a bag of your dildos?" By the end, Ian has learned that he's not too old to start over, and Pat has decided that maybe it's time to start acting his age. If you're not already imagining Bryce not being able to remember how old her uncles are, or telling them to hold hands, or Ian and Pat sayng they'd rather stay with her boyfriend, then either you haven't seen the movie yet or you wrote it. |
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Jurassic World by laudablepuss 02/02/2015, 7:14am PST 
Eyes rolling out of my head, down the aisle, out of the theater into the parking NT by Rafiki 07/01/2015, 8:35pm PDT
I would have settled for NO FUCKING KIDS by fabio 07/01/2015, 8:39pm PDT
It's been pulled off successfully a few times, but it's hit and miss for sure by Eurotrash 07/01/2015, 11:10pm PDT
It's a definite miss, and so is the whole movie by Rafiki 07/02/2015, 10:21am PDT
I'm wondering when Wu turned into a cardboard cut out mad scientist NT by WITTGENSTEIN 07/02/2015, 6:01pm PDT
Every thriller with kids needs to cast the two girls from Mama by Oom Shnibble 07/14/2015, 1:18am PDT
SPOILER WARNING DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU HAVE ALREADY SEEN JURASSIC WORLD by ALSO WAIT UNTIL IT'S ON CABLE 07/20/2015, 10:17pm PDT
I felt like the movie was trying to tell me I am a faggot for liking dinosaurs by more than making babies. 07/20/2015, 7:40pm PDT
It's a rehash of the first Jurassic Park by Blackwater 10/07/2015, 1:10am PDT
The SUPER-DINOSAUR and MILITARY VELOCIRAPTORS bits were new by WITTGENSTEIN 10/07/2015, 8:37am PDT
These Jurassic World movies are complete nonsense! by Roop 07/08/2022, 6:53am PDT
Re: These Jurassic World movies are complete nonsense! by laudablepuss 07/09/2022, 8:15am PDT
Re: These Jurassic World movies are complete nonsense! by Roop 07/09/2022, 4:31pm PDT
Re: These Jurassic World movies are complete nonsense! by Mischief Maker 07/09/2022, 4:51pm PDT
They act like that poop would be safe to dig through. And no gas masks!? NT by Also no farts! 07/09/2022, 8:53pm PDT
I like to imagine reading this post in an Adam West voice by blackwater 07/12/2022, 10:48pm PDT
Jurassic Park was a one-off. by blackwater 07/12/2022, 11:31pm PDT
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