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by FABIO 05/20/2003, 1:41pm PDT |
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If games were sexual encounters
Sort of a followup synopsis after each review.
If this game were a sexual encounter, it would be:
System Shock 2- the hot, bad girl that was thrilling and dangerous at first, but once the sex got old you discovered there was nothing else to her.
Independence War 2 (for anyone who read my draft via the old purple junta email circulation. It's still coming!)- the fling with an ex's younger, but less mature sister who's still in college. You can't help but compare her to the original and wish she'd be more like her. Sure she's younger and hotter, but there's just something missing. Like most colelge students, she's misguided and politically active, and drags you along to all the local WTO protests. Getting to the sex only happens after you sit through her long rants on the evils of capitalism.
Postal 2 - the hot goth girl who loves to go off on how edgy and evil she is. After getting her to bed and 15 minutes of pillow talk, you discover she's just another scared girl.
DOA Xtreme Beach Volleyball- the super hot prospect that you've been patiently investing time and money on for weeks. Just when you finally think you're in, you find out that she just wants to be friends and needs you to help pick out shoes.
Attaq Iraq (valid or no???)- the girlfriend that your friends hate and who eventually stop talking to you as you spend more and more time with her until you're all alone.
Xenosaga- Susan Sarandon from Bull Durham. Tries to get you interested in her favorite literature and makes you sit and listen to her read it to you for hours until you butt in with "that's nice, when do we fuck?".
Freedom Force- the type of girl that you've always had a bad track record with. You're hesitant to start anything since she reminds you of too many bad experiences. Much to your surprise, you get together, get married, and live happily ever after.
Warcraft III- The school slut that everyone's had; locker room rumors on how great a lay she is fly wild. When it finally comes your turn, you wonder what all the fuss was about.
Fellowship of the Ring- one of a hot pair of twins. They look alike and talk alike so you figure what's the difference and take one while your friend takes the other. You soon find out that you picked the wrong one.
Soul Reaver 2- the fetish chick that tries to get you into S&M only for you to realize how lame and gay the whole thing really is.
Battlefield 1942- the massive, retro-themed orgy that goes on in the club's backroom every week.
Rygar- the one who keeps insisting on roleplaying as a princess needing to be rescued long after the whole routine got old.
Animal Crossing- the girl who still buys and wears countless teeny bopper accessories despite the fact that she's not 12 anymore. Buy her a tricket, get laid.
The only thing about this is that 5 minutes after I wrote it, I realized that I may have been unconsciously ripping off the GIA's "if this game were a dating prospect" shtick. |
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inspired by BDR's articles by FABIO 05/20/2003, 1:41pm PDT 
Re: inspired by BDR's articles by foogla 05/20/2003, 3:22pm PDT 
More? by mrs. johnson 05/20/2003, 3:33pm PDT 
Re: More? by Ice Cream Jonsey 05/20/2003, 4:11pm PDT 
Thank you. Everything that is, is fire. NT by mrs. johnson 05/20/2003, 7:05pm PDT 
Re: More? by foogla 05/20/2003, 6:22pm PDT 
Two more by Fullofkittens 05/20/2003, 3:35pm PDT 
Re: Two more by Ice Cream Jonsey 05/20/2003, 5:00pm PDT 
Re: inspired by BDR's articles by ydrt 05/20/2003, 4:36pm PDT 
I've been inspired by mrs. johnson 05/20/2003, 7:19pm PDT 
Counter Strike and Everquest ok, the rest? by not funny 05/20/2003, 7:43pm PDT 
I really don't think you can ever have enough masturbation references NT by mrs. johnson 05/20/2003, 7:52pm PDT 
let me try then by not funny 05/21/2003, 12:28am PDT 
That was so hot. by Nixon 05/22/2003, 1:32am PDT 
Fag NT by Entropy Stew 05/22/2003, 3:00am PDT 
not funny by Nixon 05/22/2003, 3:05am PDT 
That tends to work better when the person you reply to actually writes something by Entropy Stew 05/22/2003, 3:46am PDT 
Alanis was meant to add extra disdain. by Nixon 05/22/2003, 4:00am PDT 
Caltrops: You have to memorize Alanis Morissette lyrics to even be a contender NT by foogla 05/22/2003, 5:16am PDT 
Re: Alanis was meant to add extra disdain. by not funny 05/22/2003, 6:33am PDT 
Re: Alanis was meant to add extra disdain. by Nixon 05/22/2003, 9:33am PDT 
Repetitive actions to acheive a slightly embarassing reward, done alone by Bill Dungsroman 05/22/2003, 11:29am PDT 
Woah hey now. Let's not fight over little ol' me. by mrs. johnson 05/22/2003, 3:30pm PDT 
Re: Woah hey now. Let's not fight over little ol' me. by Nixon 05/22/2003, 3:52pm PDT 
Re: Woah hey now. Let's not fight over little ol' me. by laudablepuss 05/22/2003, 4:05pm PDT 
Re: Woah hey now. Let's not fight over little ol' me. by random musings 05/22/2003, 4:08pm PDT 
Re: Woah hey now. Let's not fight over little ol' me. by foogla 05/22/2003, 5:33pm PDT 
Oh, did it ever by Entropy Stew 05/22/2003, 6:15pm PDT 
Hrm? by Nixon 05/22/2003, 9:06pm PDT 
does anyone feel like writing an introduction for this? by FABIO 05/23/2003, 12:48am PDT 
Re: does anyone feel like writing an introduction for this? by Entropy Stew 05/23/2003, 2:10am PDT 
does it really need an introduction? this ain't no rocket science NT by wide hurt 05/23/2003, 2:13am PDT 
wrong by FABIO 05/23/2003, 5:02am PDT 
Oh yeah. Nix that NT by Entropy Stew 05/23/2003, 5:06am PDT 
halflife by FABIO 05/24/2003, 3:48am PDT 
Our descent into total geekiness is complete by Masked Mariachi 05/24/2003, 7:12pm PDT 
One correction: by Masked Mariachi 05/24/2003, 7:22pm PDT 
Crusaders? by FABIO 05/24/2003, 8:47pm PDT 
Re: Our descent into total geekiness is complete by FABIO 05/24/2003, 8:51pm PDT 
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