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| Re: Integration by Colonel K 07/24/2003, 12:39pm PDT | ||||
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| I really liked this. The Jesus shit was funny and interesting, so was the ghyj/ol bit. But like some of your other opusettes, you don't combine these great ideas enough to maintain the piece as a whole. Some parts like 'even the mayor', or ghyjo/ol or the bleeding on the letter P thing flow well; I read those lines and went '...what?', and laughed and kept reading, and it worked. The messianic theme was just right, and you didn't pressure it at all. Your writing's abstract, so its elements should probably coalesce into a gravy of significance, or something, but the end of paragraph one felt like you'd forcibly sent the reader in a different direction. It's too jarring, and in a short story, it feels like wasted space.
I figured it's Ted asking that first question, but you refer to people outside the text inconsistently. You've got that 'Right? Fuck, I don't know' question, and 'as far as we are concerned'. Make us realise that you know we're watching what you write, or keep yourself invisible. Also, I preferred the first, sharper ending. |
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Integration by 07/24/2003, 3:42am PDT  Last sentence by 07/24/2003, 4:06am PDT You need an award for those first sentences. Holy shit. Nearly died laughing. NT by 07/24/2003, 10:25am PDT Man it would be great if I knew when I was being funny or just ridiculous. NT by 07/24/2003, 1:41pm PDT Re: Integration by 07/24/2003, 12:39pm PDT Re: Integration by 07/24/2003, 1:34pm PDT Exactly what he said NT by 07/24/2003, 2:33pm PDT |
