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by Oh no my principles etc. 01/11/2019, 4:33am PST |
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Remembering myself home alone as a youth, grumbling and rolling my eyes while dutifully burning a giant jack-in-the-box head in the fireplace, is one of those mental images that never fails to make me laugh. Maybe you had to be there. At least I still talk to our mother. In fact, I spent Christmas with her again this year, and it was a lot less dramatic than last year.
My mom's the caretaker for a small private island near the city. Like, a couple hundred metres (nautical metres?) off the shore near. The facilities are technically large and well-appointed enough to qualify as a hotel for zoning purposes, though no one ever stayed there except the previous owners, a Texas hotel magnate and his family. The current owner is a Chinese billionaire with no interest in actually visiting the property. So all year round it's just my mom and the guard dog, a 120-pound Great Pyrenees named Odin, who is almost certainly the cutest thing you've ever seen.
How she got the job is kind of an interesting story. In 2009, my mom was awarded a substantial personal injury settlement (someone ran her over while she was cycling; yes, she was drunk at the time, but it was still 100% their fault). The majority she spent on narcotics and the remainder on a 10-ton sailboat. In 2012 she was living, broke and penniless, on her ridiculous yacht anchored in the city harbour. That's when she heard about the island needing a caretaker through the harbour grapevine. The Texan was so impressed to see her pull up on a yacht she actually knew how to sail that he hired her on the spot. I think she was just out of fuel at the time - again, narcotics.
The sailboat almost ended up sinking on the dock shortly thereafter because she didn't bother to maintain it. I think she let it go for a grand, which was of course immediately converted to narcotics. My mom's like Jack Sparrow: it's always either feast or famine with her. I could never tell her that, though, because she wouldn't know who Jack Sparrow was, and she wouldn't ask because it would just give me an excuse to start talking about comic books or whatever. Joke's on you, mom: I don't NEED an excuse to start talking about comic books or whatever 8) |
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car2go is a scourge by Ice Cream Jonsey 12/16/2017, 9:08am PST
"Repositioning team" sounds like sarcasm. Just pay the $5 and move it yourself. NT by Oh no my principles etc. 12/16/2017, 9:37am PST
Whew! Thanks for the advice, anonymous guy. Thank God you're here. by Ice Cream Jonsey 12/16/2017, 9:59am PST
Mom, dad, things are going well out here in Los Angeles by Fullofkittens 12/16/2017, 10:30am PST
Ha! I'd also like to take back most of my previous message. by Ice Cream Jonsey 12/16/2017, 10:35am PST
Now apologize for the forum software. by Oh no my principles etc. 12/16/2017, 12:31pm PST
Re: Now apologize for the forum software. by Ice Cream Jonsey 12/16/2017, 12:39pm PST
All this and I haven't even revealed which car sharing company I am the CEO of. by Oh no my principles etc. 12/16/2017, 1:04pm PST
All this and I haven't even revealed which car sharing company I am the CEO of. by Ice Cream Jonsey 12/16/2017, 1:51pm PST
Admit it, for a while there it felt like the old days. We're bringing it back! NT by We're bringing Caltrops back. 12/16/2017, 2:06pm PST
MCGA! Lock her up! NT by MCGA! Lock her up! 12/20/2017, 2:19pm PST
MCGA might as well stand for "How Many Colors Was That Again" because it's what NT by we were all thinking. 12/20/2017, 2:32pm PST
Man, Jonesy doesn't let them loose often but he's got some pretty good ones NT by in his arsenal 12/17/2017, 8:09am PST
I thought you said he was going to respond like a baby? NT by Mysterio Lollerson 12/16/2017, 12:41pm PST
Nah, fuck this guy by that guy 12/19/2017, 6:56am PST
I'm glad we got this thread in before the deadline for Post of the Year. by Oh no my principles etc. 12/19/2017, 10:22am PST
Just stop posting. Problem solved. NT by Oh no my etc "thought leader" 12/19/2017, 11:56am PST
I'm going to share with you some index cards from my Caltrops character binder. by Oh no my principles etc. 12/19/2017, 12:09pm PST
Bring back Bradley Svedka NT by Saltlord 12/19/2017, 8:03pm PST
Oh man, why didn't I listen to you last week? Here's a good post to make up for by Oh no my principles etc. 12/28/2017, 10:24pm PST
Stick to the zingers, this shit you posted here put me to sleep. NT by Mehphistopheles 12/29/2017, 4:52am PST
I enjoyed it, but I also enjoy your posts. by Ice Cream Jonsey 12/29/2017, 11:45am PST
I should've used my real Caltrops name instead of my fake Caltrops name. by Oh no my principles etc. 12/29/2017, 1:36pm PST
I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I had missed the theme here with my NT by previous comment. -Mehphistopheles 12/29/2017, 6:53pm PST
Update: apparently he's back in treatment? by Oh no my principles etc. 01/08/2019, 5:42pm PST
Why is ur family so fucked up NT by Mysterio 01/08/2019, 6:38pm PST
You mean my pretend filipino family, or my real family? by Oh no my principles etc. 01/08/2019, 10:04pm PST
I kinda made that all about me. I can't help it, it's how I perceive the world. by Oh no my principles etc. 01/09/2019, 2:24am PST
I don't know why I didn't include this detail, it's too good. by Oh no my principles etc. 01/09/2019, 3:04am PST
Yo shits dark NT by Mysterio 01/09/2019, 2:19pm PST
That was supposed to be a funny story. by Oh no my principles etc. 01/11/2019, 4:33am PST
It was. NT by Ulrachi 01/11/2019, 2:13pm PST
No mo(re) "Yo" NT by Style Monitor 01/11/2019, 2:20pm PST
Break window, pour gasoline, toss match. NT by The Happiness Engine 12/16/2017, 5:16pm PST
Their UI is as stupid as their arbitrary design decisions. Great kraut company. by Saltlord 12/17/2017, 7:50am PST
This is all great and I support it completely. by Ice Cream Jonsey 12/17/2017, 11:27am PST
car2go network down for maintenance for ~6 hours in DC. Server shat the bed? by Saltlord 12/19/2017, 12:20am PST
car2gofuckyourself NT by The Happiness Engine 12/19/2017, 8:52am PST
You could always leave a bad review on the APP store, that'd teach em a lesson. NT by Mehphistopheles 12/17/2017, 11:24pm PST
one problem by one solution 05/31/2019, 2:33pm PDT 
Fucking hero by Ice Cream Jonsey 05/31/2019, 6:25pm PDT
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