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What is it about a man on a table that you find so attractive? by Ray of Light 07/21/2004, 1:09pm PDT
Zseni wrote:

You're all over the board here, voce Seanbaby, but essentially it's all obsfucation and glamour wafting around a single central core: beef jerky is a manly snack because Ray! says so. You = non-cognizant that you have just spent hours, pages defending roving-pack jerky purchasing as a male bonding trait. Is it the act or the idea that you think is non-gay? You keep coming back to jerky in and of itself as macho, but have nothing except pure circular reasoning to back you up; meanwhile, you've been letting me lead the whole dance and are now getting around to the part where you protest that oh you could never not on a first date...


The obfuscation and glamor I provide as a public service. Evidence, hon, that's my stock in trade.

[ Names have been changed. All conversations live and recollected.]

Pam is a big-titted artist who likes people to think she's dumb, for about five seconds. Home is filled with freakish and compelling art. Good at eye contact. She likes to say I have addictions; I say, "only to being awesome, baby".

Me: what do you think of beef jerky?
Pam: ...
Me: dried strips of beef. See, it looks kind of like kelp. [I offer her some]
Pam: it smells like dog food.
Me: just try a piece. It's like cookies, but made of meat.
Pam: [takes a stamp-sized piece, chews twice, spits it out] how can you eat that shit?


Sam is a chunky brunette with a psych degree that I think she should ask for a refund on. Likes the books from candle stores, with one line of text per page. Hockey hair makes her look like a man, from the right angle.

Me: jer-
Sam: my dad likes that stuff. Get it away.


Kay is a redhead and (I suspect) a kleptomaniac. Unshy. No pets. Car has dents. Owns a lot of hardcover books with mismatched jackets, because you can save a bundle by swapping them in the store.

Kay: Whatchoo eating?
Me: Jerky. It's good but most women don't like it [reverse psychology!]
Kay: gimme some. [we're speaking on the phone, so I can't]
Me: We're speaking on the phone. I can't.
Kay: I think I had it once anyway. It gave me bad breath.


Fay is a motherly mother, in her forties. Will talk dirty to anyone who'll listen. Drives like a cabbie, curses and all.

Fay: Tell me that's not jerky.
Me: I'll tell you it IS!
Fay: [rolls eyes] It's full of nitrates. It will give you [inaudible]
Me: What can I say? I like chewing on beef. This flavor is sweet and hot, my favorite.
Fay: I got some beef you can chew. It's sweet. And hot.
Me: [inaudible]


May is skinny and bookish. Eyelass frames extremely delicate. Low tolerance for mess of any kind. Her bedroom always smells like fruit or vanilla or the seashore. The nonprescription contents of her bathroom would put many pharmacies to shame. Good driver.

Me: [walks through door]
May: [wrinkles nose] Eat that outside.


Bea has two mastiffs. She's in her late thirties and single and not quite fit. She dresses frumpily and smokes a lot.

Me: Would you like some jerky?
Bea: [eyeing other people in the room like maybe I'm playing a prank; seems angry to have been singled out] No thanks.


Flo rarely speaks. Doesn't like T.V. Outwardly, politely agressive toward any act of foolishness, especially when another woman is responsible. Always wears pants. Her dog knows nine different tricks.

Me: [lean bag toward her, raise eyebrows]
Jen: [single shake of head, looks away]


Nat is a super-skinny suicide blonde, about 24. Into skateboarding but doesn't like to drive. Uses weird words like "nappy" and o.b. instead of Tampax. Obsessively flirty. Has postcard-sized portraits of semi-nude men hung in strategic nub-rubbing locations around her apartment. Her cats will shit in, or on, anything you care about.

Me: want some jerked beef?
Nat: [brief laugh, like you'd direct at a retarded person] No.


Jerky is masculine, because these girls say so. Who will refute them? You? YOUR MOTHER? Forget it -- you're bad at being a girl, by your own admission. The idea is laughable. Ha ha ha!


[brutal Vagembowelling on question of frugality=masculine? at the hands of Ray, followed by fat joke]
That's good, a fat joke. You were out of material when you were writing stuff like "beef jerky is macho" and that's before anyone even argued with you. It's pointless mincing words with a "man" who thinks the manliness of battle lords lie in whether they clip coupons or not.


I would have given that to me too.

This concludes my assertion of victory. The rest is window dressing.



And here you are just assuming that whatever the fuck your point is,...

The out of context quote with sly obvious retort. That's good too, Mr. President. Does this mean I'm Hillary Clinton, or does it just mean you're rhetorically bankrupt?


Or does it mean you should get in the kitchen and feign up some more confusion? "you're not making sense!" mm-good. "what's your point?" *munch*! "your post won't render on my windows XP!" Dee-lish. "You appear to be right, therefore I don't understand!" Feign feign feign feign! This put-on-puzzlement of yours cheapens all discourse.

Nobody's contesting your mastery of yin energy, Ray. It's okay to tell me I'm bad at being a girl because 1. I am and 2. you're a master of yin energy. How is that helping your "jerky, me, my buds, and our mutual jerky purchase are macho" contention? Or are you just going for whatever points you can get now?


You've claimed it's feminine (or "gay"); I contend, and deliver proof to, the opposite. Why do you dodge my loving thrusts of reason?

I mean, it was YOU who called me. You went to the secure website, punched in the Visa, clicked the link in my confirmation e-mail. So I show up at your door, all "ma'am I've got this whirlwind I need you to reap" and you're all "I ordered no whirlwind and that wasn't me and besides no one's home go away".

Nice try, but this is business at the speed of internet and that big tree you're riding out the storm beneath is actually my dick leaves and all and it's growing in moist soil on moral high ground so there's lightning coming right for it and that lightning is a metaphor for my hand, all fixing to grip it and tip it and yell joyfully:

Check! Mate!

Ray!
PREVIOUS NEXT REPLY QUOTE
 
WAI WAI! by Zseni on Windows XP :( 07/19/2004, 10:28pm PDT NEW
    Did you know it's hard to figure out when you've posted? NT by Zseni on Windows XP :( 07/19/2004, 10:28pm PDT NEW
        Re: Did you know it's hard to figure out when you've posted? by dragon worrier 07/21/2004, 11:31pm PDT NEW
    Re: WAI WAI! by Chairman Mao 07/19/2004, 11:53pm PDT NEW
    Re: WAI WAI! by Bill Dungsroman 07/20/2004, 12:22am PDT NEW
        Re: WAI WAI! by Zseni on Windows XP :( 07/20/2004, 1:32am PDT NEW
            Re: WAI WAI! by Ray of Light 07/20/2004, 2:35am PDT NEW
                Re: WAI WAI! by I need clarification 07/20/2004, 2:37am PDT NEW
                    I recommended that you eat it. BDR concurred. NT by Ray of Light 07/20/2004, 2:42am PDT NEW
                        No, I mean the brand! THE BRAND, MAN! NT by I need clarification 07/20/2004, 3:15am PDT NEW
                            You are not your brand of Jerky. NT by Ray of Light 07/20/2004, 3:17am PDT NEW
                                That Ted Nugent brand used to be really awesome. NT by Creexul :( 07/20/2004, 3:23am PDT NEW
                                So you don't know? Or remember? NT by I need clarification 07/20/2004, 3:25am PDT NEW
                                    OK, I'll trade you by Ray of Light 07/20/2004, 3:47am PDT NEW
                                        Jack Link's Carne Seca kicks Sweet & Hot in the balls. NT by Bodybag. 07/20/2004, 6:51am PDT NEW
                                            Sounds Mexican, don't have it in Canada. NT by Ray of Light 07/20/2004, 7:02am PDT NEW
                                            Their Beefsteak Nuggets are fucking great by Entropy Stew 07/22/2004, 12:48pm PDT NEW
                                        Re: OK, I'll trade you by I need clarification 07/20/2004, 12:33pm PDT NEW
                                            Re: OK, I'll trade you by whydirt 07/20/2004, 7:11pm PDT NEW
                    Was it best damn beef jerky, or, oh here it is. by Worm 07/21/2004, 3:11pm PDT NEW
                Beef Jerky? Axis? What? by Mischief Maker 07/20/2004, 9:08am PDT NEW
                Re: WAI WAI! by Zseni on Windows XP :( 07/20/2004, 10:58am PDT NEW
                    Re: WAI WAI! by Mischief Maker 07/20/2004, 11:17am PDT NEW
                    Re: WAI WAI! by Ray of Light 07/20/2004, 12:27pm PDT NEW
                        Oh my god, who are you and what have you done with Ray? by Zseni 07/20/2004, 1:53pm PDT NEW
                            I`ve been Vagged by Ray of Light 07/21/2004, 1:49am PDT NEW
                                People got on my case when I said Ray wasn't funny or clever anymore :( NT by I need clarification 07/21/2004, 4:31am PDT NEW
                                    And rightly so NT by Arbiter of Comedy 07/21/2004, 10:15am PDT NEW
                                        You're fat! HURRR!!! NT by I need clarification 07/22/2004, 2:40am PDT NEW
                                            But he said it FUNNILY. by Arbiter of Comedy 07/22/2004, 4:57pm PDT NEW
                                Yeah, I fucking wiped the table with you, bitch. by Zseni 07/21/2004, 4:39am PDT NEW
                                    What is it about a man on a table that you find so attractive? by Ray of Light 07/21/2004, 1:09pm PDT NEW
                                        Hopefully this is the part where Zseni, flustered, stops posting for a month NT by Entropy Stew 07/21/2004, 2:58pm PDT NEW
                                            Or demands Ray! not reply to her posts, cuz he's all serious and mean. NT by Bill Dungsroman 07/21/2004, 4:26pm PDT NEW
                                            PREDICITION ACCURACY 94% NT by And rising 07/24/2004, 7:46pm PDT NEW
                                        Re: What is it about a man on a table that you find so attractive? by Zseni 07/21/2004, 6:31pm PDT NEW
                                            I didn't even read this NT by Entropy Stew 07/21/2004, 6:33pm PDT NEW
                                                Me neither. NT by Bill Dungsroman 07/21/2004, 6:34pm PDT NEW
                                                    That's okay, Zseni hasn't been reading Ray's posts either by laudablepuss 07/21/2004, 6:47pm PDT NEW
                                                    The real me did. NT by Bill Dungsroman 07/21/2004, 11:18pm PDT NEW
                                                        No, the real me didn't. NT by Bill Dungsroman 07/21/2004, 11:57pm PDT NEW
                                                            The forum is much funnier and wackier with these types of goings-on NT by Bill Dungsroman 07/22/2004, 1:07pm PDT NEW
                                            I even read this by Ray of Light 07/21/2004, 7:46pm PDT NEW
                                                ZSENI'S SILENCE=VICTOLY!!!!! by CONGRATS! THE FAT BITCH SHUT UP! 07/23/2004, 10:48am PDT NEW
                                            Re: What is it about a man on a table that you find so attractive? by Choson 07/21/2004, 9:48pm PDT NEW
                                                You teetered on the edge of insanity by Broken PlayStation 07/22/2004, 12:59am PDT NEW
                                                    Re: You teetered on the edge of insanity by Choson 07/22/2004, 9:07am PDT NEW
                                                        Re: You teetered on the edge of insanity by Bill Dungsroman 07/22/2004, 1:06pm PDT NEW
                                                            Good point NT by Choson 07/22/2004, 1:28pm PDT NEW
                                                            This whole thing aged weirdly. by You could say it's my hobby. 12/09/2018, 6:12pm PST NEW
                        Re: WAI WAI! by I need clarification 07/20/2004, 4:28pm PDT NEW
                            Re: WAI WAI! by Veronica 07/20/2004, 10:24pm PDT NEW
                                Re: WAI WAI! by I need clarification 07/21/2004, 1:35am PDT NEW
                I was Roue of Light in that thread, now that it means nothing. by conflictNo 07/20/2004, 9:23pm PDT NEW
            Re: WAI WAI! by Bill Dungsroman 07/20/2004, 2:16pm PDT NEW
                Caltrops is Dead, Long Live Caltrops by Hobo 07/20/2004, 5:22pm PDT NEW
                    Re: Caltrops is Dead, Long Live Caltrops by Broken PlayStation 07/20/2004, 5:31pm PDT NEW
                    Re: Caltrops is Dead, Long Live Caltrops by I need clarification 07/20/2004, 5:49pm PDT NEW
                        Re: Caltrops is Dead, Long Live Caltrops by Hobo 07/20/2004, 5:52pm PDT NEW
                            Re: Caltrops is Dead, Long Live Caltrops by Jay Schilling 07/20/2004, 5:55pm PDT NEW
                                Kupo by Edward Gibbons 07/20/2004, 5:57pm PDT NEW
                                    Congrats on the first NT-missing post NT by NT 07/20/2004, 6:03pm PDT NEW
                            Re: Caltrops is Dead, Long Live Caltrops by I need clarification 07/20/2004, 6:03pm PDT NEW
                                It's okay, SB's gone and that's all that really matters. by Hobo 07/20/2004, 6:05pm PDT NEW
                                    Re: It's okay, SB's gone and that's all that really matters. by I need clarification 07/20/2004, 6:37pm PDT NEW
                                        No, actually, it's not all that matters. by Zseni 07/20/2004, 6:51pm PDT NEW
                                            Jealous NT by Gene Loves Jezebel 07/20/2004, 7:13pm PDT NEW
                                        LOGINS PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE by I need clarification 07/21/2004, 1:51am PDT NEW
                                    Or did UMBERTO get fucked NT by V 07/20/2004, 6:38pm PDT NEW
                                        I think that's what he just said. Are you stupid? NT by I need clarification 07/21/2004, 1:43am PDT NEW
                                            Or just BIPOLAR to see me? 8) NT by Creexul :( 07/21/2004, 1:44am PDT NEW
                            Re: Caltrops is Dead, Long Live Caltrops by Bill Dungsroman 07/20/2004, 7:31pm PDT NEW
                                Minor Clarification by creativepig 07/20/2004, 8:24pm PDT NEW
                                    Addendum to Clarification: You also fucked Veronica. NT by roophie 07/21/2004, 7:13am PDT NEW
                                        Who loved it. NT by Creexul :( 07/21/2004, 8:04am PDT NEW
 
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