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by Zseni 01/28/2003, 11:32am PST |
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Cute story, Fussbett, but unfortunately not as cute as me getting arrested even though your life was endangered.
I don't know if reckless is the right word for my driving; maybe "Italian" is better. Primarily through sheer luck I've avoided getting in an accident for a good four years now but before then - sheesh, I must have thought I was Zsa Zsa Gabor or something. Once I got the car out of the shop after a nighttime run through a deer only to visit the back of a pickup two weeks later and, when sending it back to the shop, they rejected the cops' paperwork because "that can't possibly be the car you say it is, we just sent that one back out."
Oh yeah, the cops. They don't usually get too involved in minor fenderbenders - minor being the word to apply to the truck, which suffered only a dent in its trailer hitch. Meanwhile most of the front end of my Subaru was like so much used kleenex. But see the problem was that I had in my charming gigglesome youth kinda sorta defaulted on a speeding ticket. That's like nearly a falony jesus let's just take the kid in. They put me in handcuffs and drove me to the station for a fucking speeding ticket, curse my entire bloodline for living in neighborhoods where the officers can go that luxurious extra mile to bring the wrath of the law down on seventeen year old girls with speeding tickets.
So we get to the station, they do the pictures, the fingerprints, the body search (the poor female officer - I was too hysterical to hit on her and she had to stick her fingers in my armpits and everything.) They throw me in a cell. Where's my harmonica? The whole time I'm like a pile of useless waterworks, not because I was any less excellent at seventeen than I am now, but because of the wrath of my father. Oh god, my father. Let's not talk about my father, I might start sobbing again. And maybe you'd react the same way the guy in the cell across from me did, too.
He wasn't tall dark and handsome, but he was in prison overalls that had been gashed open in places and he was covered head to toe in tattoos. If I were casting for him I'd want someone to beat the shit out of Jeff Foxworthy; when he healed up he'd look about right for the job, except he'd have to fake that wild-open-spaces look in The Prisoner's eyes. For some reason in his transfer from one maximum security prison to another he got to spend half a day in DeLuxeville with the uptown criminals like me, and since I was miserable and so lonely and he, needless to say, had an equally vested interest in entertaining himself, we got to talking across the space between our pens.
He was real polite to me, he didn't even use any swear words, and we talked about my high school French classes and how hard it was after I'd skipped a year. So hard! I sobbed relentlessly about my stupid car and how blah blah blah jesus honey just shut up. He should have said that, but he didn't. I gave him a rudimentary lesson in French, then he spoke: "Hey, wanna see my tattoos?" He offered. "I'll give you the grand tour."
Sure.
So he did, pulling away his torn outfit here and there, telling me what they were but not what they meant. They covered his arms and legs, his chest, belly, and back. I was just calming down and starting to get lucid again when the female officer who searched me happened to look through the little window between the cop shop and holding: "hey, he's showin' her his tattoos!" I had never heard of a penetrating Southern drawl before. So then the cops came in a few seconds later and moved me out of one pen and into another, with a toilet and everything, away from my new friend, because when girls see tattoos they apparently become even bigger criminals instantaneously. That's where I waited until my father came.
The first thing he said to me was "you're here for four hours and already you're running the place." I didn't get to wave goodbye to The Prisoner. I wonder why the fuck he was so nice to me, not ooky spooky c'mere-honey nice but, you know, listening to the whiny spoiled brat and helpfully distracting her nice. The car got fixed, I got off relatively easy, and immediately tried to skip the country before the new court date for my speeding ticket. |
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I'm amazed that I survived / an airbag saved my life by Fussbett 01/28/2003, 6:48am PST 
Re: I'm amazed that I survived / an airbag saved my life by Jhoh Creexul 01/28/2003, 8:03am PST
Newbie! That's a rookie accident! by Fullofkittens 01/28/2003, 9:59am PST
Yeah, but did you have your camera with you? NO (nt) NT by Choson 01/28/2003, 10:08am PST
No, and I didn't write a funny article about it. Nice visual aids. NT by Fullofkittens 01/28/2003, 4:18pm PST
You want a newbie? Try me. by Senor Barborito 01/28/2003, 10:38am PST
I've never been in a car accident, because I'm afraid of driving. (nt) by Jhoh Creexul 01/28/2003, 11:10am PST
update by Fussbett 01/29/2003, 2:44am PST
Re: update by laudablepuss 01/29/2003, 3:34am PST
How Zseni got taken into custody. by Zseni 01/28/2003, 11:32am PST
Whenever the cops bust me for shit like that... by Jhoh Creexul 01/28/2003, 1:37pm PST
Re: I'm amazed that I survived / an airbag saved my life by Motherhead 01/28/2003, 2:18pm PST
Re: I'm amazed that I survived / an airbag saved my life by Entropy Stew 01/28/2003, 5:06pm PST
Re: I'm amazed that I survived / an airbag saved my life by laudablepuss 01/28/2003, 6:57pm PST
Re: I'm amazed that I survived / an airbag saved my life by veronica 01/28/2003, 9:12pm PST
Stupid Teenage Driving by creativepig 01/28/2003, 11:52pm PST
You guys suck by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 12:59am PST
Physician, heal thyself by Senor Barborito 01/29/2003, 1:20am PST
Re: You guys suck by veronica 01/29/2003, 1:40am PST
Just remember, honey: when they tease you it means they like you. by Zseni 01/29/2003, 2:17am PST
And when they follow from #ga to tease, I ban (more) by Senor Barborito 01/29/2003, 2:43am PST
Chet is dead, long live Chet [nt] NT by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 2:47am PST
Fag -nt- NT by Entropy Stew 01/29/2003, 3:33pm PST
Re: You guys suck by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 3:24am PST
shut the fuck up, you worthless troll -nt- NT by ydrt 01/29/2003, 4:25am PST
I've trolled before, plenty of times, and this guy is not a troll. by Jhoh Creexul 01/29/2003, 11:57am PST
Re: You guys suck by motherhead 01/29/2003, 7:26am PST
Re: You guys suck by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 1:27pm PST
Re: You guys suck by spanky 01/30/2003, 7:25pm PST
Rule 1? by Entropy Stew 01/30/2003, 10:15pm PST
Re: You guys suck- yes i just noticed this. by motherhead 01/31/2003, 6:39am PST
For what it's worth . . . by Senor Barborito 01/31/2003, 8:42am PST
You're both fags. I'ms starting to agree with that other faggot -nt- NT by Entropy Stew 01/31/2003, 12:12pm PST
Stop. Seriously, stop. by I need clarification 02/01/2003, 7:14pm PST
Re: Stop. Seriously, stop. by RichardSimmonshead 02/02/2003, 1:43am PST
The '04 Motherhead comes standard with crumple zones and its own cock garage-nt- NT by Entropy Stew 02/02/2003, 5:45am PST
heated seats too... by motherhead 02/02/2003, 6:50am PST
I didn't even touch you this time! by Lurker390 02/02/2003, 11:52am PST
This was lame when I was Ninja :< NT by Ninja 02/03/2003, 4:13am PST
Re: You guys suck by Jhoh Creexul 01/29/2003, 11:54am PST
Re: You guys suck by Zseni 01/29/2003, 12:22pm PST
Re: You guys suck by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 1:31pm PST
Re: You guys suck by Senor Barborito 01/29/2003, 2:58pm PST
Re: You guys suck by Zseni 01/29/2003, 3:13pm PST
Re: You guys suck by Fussbett 01/29/2003, 3:33pm PST
Re: You guys suck by Senor Barborito 01/29/2003, 3:36pm PST
Re: You guys suck by Zseni 01/29/2003, 3:59pm PST
Excuse me, what did you say? by laudablepuss 01/29/2003, 6:08pm PST
clarification by a spectator 01/30/2003, 6:43pm PST
Re: clarification by laudablepuss 01/30/2003, 7:01pm PST
Re: clarification by Entropy Stew 01/30/2003, 7:38pm PST
Minor Chet defense (!) by Senor Barborito 01/30/2003, 8:16pm PST
Yes. by mrs. johnson 01/30/2003, 8:21pm PST
'Gothiest Post Of The Year Award' winner right here -NT- NT by Senor Barborito 01/30/2003, 8:31pm PST
something makes more sense now - BONUS: recap of final OMM posts by a spectator 01/30/2003, 9:15pm PST
Man, can we move on yet? (Nt) NT by Choson 01/30/2003, 10:17pm PST
I agree with this masked man. It's embarassing. (NT) by Fussbett 01/30/2003, 10:36pm PST
Put it in a FAQ and let's shut up about it already. by Bill Dungsroman 01/31/2003, 11:16am PST
Too easy for me to fall into this trap by Entropy Stew 01/31/2003, 1:12pm PST
Yeah, this is getting too retarded even for me. by laudablepuss 01/31/2003, 11:37am PST
Re: You guys suck by E. L. Koba 01/29/2003, 11:04pm PST
Too early to render judgement by no one you'd know 02/02/2003, 12:13pm PST
Actually, once I calmed down by Senor Barborito 02/02/2003, 7:54pm PST
I need Atorification by Bodybag 01/29/2003, 3:21pm PST
Worst reply ever by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 3:51pm PST
Nah, I've made worse replies by Bodybag 01/29/2003, 4:15pm PST
Re: Nah, I've made worse replies by Senor Barborito 01/29/2003, 4:26pm PST
Then this is a convenient time to mention your ass tastes funny anyway by Bodybag 01/29/2003, 5:08pm PST
ARGH USURPED AGAIN - DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! -NT NT by Senor Barborito 01/29/2003, 5:10pm PST
MY SECRET: A BOX OF ARM 'N' HAMMER -nt- NT by Entropy Stew 01/29/2003, 5:33pm PST
I was going to call all of you fags, but... by Bill Dungsroman 01/29/2003, 5:52pm PST
You had me at 'histrionic' . . . *sniffle* -NT- by Senor Barborito 01/29/2003, 6:02pm PST
Now I need clarification by Entropy Stew 01/29/2003, 6:39pm PST
(sigh) okay, I'll do it for you... by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 5:40pm PST
The faggot unmasked! by Columbo 01/29/2003, 6:17pm PST
Re: The faggot unmasked! by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 6:25pm PST
Keep trying by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 8:07pm PST
Argue? About what? by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 8:33pm PST
Re: Argue? About what? by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 8:42pm PST
Oh, that was you? by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 9:10pm PST
Re: Oh, that was you? by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 9:24pm PST
Re: Oh, that was you? by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 9:39pm PST
Re: Oh, that was you? by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 10:18pm PST
Re: You guys suck by Jhoh Creexul 01/29/2003, 11:43am PST
Re: You guys suck by Fussbett 01/29/2003, 3:02pm PST
Re: You guys suck by Jhoh Creexul 01/29/2003, 4:37pm PST
Nobody is, see ES's final ruling in the rules thread -NT- by Senor Barborito 01/29/2003, 4:52pm PST
Re: Nobody is, see ES's final ruling in the rules thread -NT- by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 10:23pm PST
Re: Nobody is, see ES's final ruling in the rules thread -NT- by Entropy Stew 01/29/2003, 10:58pm PST
Re: I'm amazed that I survived / an airbag saved my life by Mischief Maker 01/28/2003, 7:36pm PST
You drove a Mazda? Jesus Fuck. n/T NT by mrs. johnson 01/28/2003, 9:04pm PST
As I will again in the summer when the Mazda RX-8 comes out. by Fussbett 01/29/2003, 2:55am PST
Well... by mrs. johnson 01/29/2003, 9:47pm PST
Aerosmith video from early 90's claims latest copycat victim. by Bodybag 01/28/2003, 11:18pm PST
Re: Aerosmith video from early 90's claims latest copycat victim. by veronica 01/29/2003, 12:20am PST
Now THIS is how you wreck by Bodybag not copy+pasting from PoE 01/29/2003, 11:08pm PST
Re: I'm amazed that I survived / an airbag saved my life by I bet that bitch would have stopped 01/30/2003, 10:59pm PST
MC sighting $counter++ by not mc 02/02/2003, 12:22pm PST
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