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Rants
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by creativepig 01/28/2003, 11:52pm PST |
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I've only ever been in one accident, and that not my fault. Someone pulled a little too far out of a mall parking lot while I was driving on a wet road. I'm not using this as an excuse, however, because I didn't hit that car. I just jammed on the brakes and stopped in plenty of time. It was the bitch behind me who was either paying attention to only me--and not what I may be unexpectedly reacting to--or to her kid in the back seat. Blammo, hanging bumper and buckled quarter panel and trunk on my oh-so-precious '93 Sundance. They don't make low-end Chryslers like they used to, I guess, because she also fucked the entire front end of her boyfriend's Neon. Waving her into a nearby parking lot, I proceeded to--against her protestations (she was not hot)--call the cops. Turns out, in London, if nobody's injured, no cops will come, and I had to find the reporting station at the other end of the city. The good news is that the bitch didn't bother to file a report. Her insurance company even paid my deductible.
So my one accident wasn't even my own, which is a goddamned blessing, considering some of the stupid shit I've done in cars:
Riding on the Roof of a Minivan
I'm sure this is nothing outstanding as far as being unique, but it's the thing I've done that made the least sense. Well, a psychologist would tell you it made perfect sense with the story that accompanies it, but it was pretty stupid nonetheless. It was sunny and warm on a fall day in my senior year of high school, which meant that a bunch of us were going to use our spare and lunch to drive to the next town for McDonald's or something. On the way back, I got it into my head to ride on the roof of my buddy's '90 Voyager. So I kind of sat up onto the window ledge to see if I could reach the roofracks, which I couldn't. My actions, however, gave the rest of the fags in the back my idea. I admit that I can't reach the racks, so one of the guys, who we'll call Chris (because that's his name), asks for a shot at it. Living in the fucking sticks, we simply have to turn off the highway and we're alone. John slows the van to a crawl and Chris climbs out, and we drive past a few farms, worried that the dudes on the tractors might see us. Now, I'm a proud motherfucker, so when Chris came back in, I insisted on trying it. Only when I go to climb out, John's doing about 25 (converted to miles for your American convenience!). I'm standing on the seat, holding onto... nothing. Eventually, I reach the roofracks and climb up. I felt like we were going a little faster than we were for Chris, but I attributed that to actually being on the roof. Only we kept going faster and the road was getting hilly and winding. I'm told we made it up to 65 before we met an oncoming car and John hit the brakes as I raised one hand to wave to the startled old guy in the pickup.
Driving in the Snow (Really Fast)
Around the same time, I was driving my dad's long-box '94 Dakota (good North American consumers, my friends and I). That sweet, sweet vehicle had a 5.2L in it and absolutely no weight in the back. And there I was, ten minutes until starting work, trying to do about twenty minutes of traveling. With my girlfriend and her little brother in the truck. I'm clipping along at 60 or so, the back end of the truck swerving from side to side, me correcting it, rather than, you know, slowing down. Ashley's already terrified (the kid loving it), and of course we catch up to a couple of cars doing a more sensible 30. Do I slow down? Fuck no, I'm 18. I bop out into the other lane and pass both of those pussies, going nearly sideways the whole way. Incidentally, I still don't like front wheel-drive cars in the snow because they're unpredictable.
More Snow, Also a Mall
Not much of a story, but the first time I totally lost control of a vehicle. Coming out of McDonald's and heading into Keswick (meaningless to all but possibly Fussbett, surely), there's a shortcut behind a little strip mall into a subdivision. We're in a little caravan, me in the lead. I come around the first corner and decide I want to play around a little. I give the pickup some gas and next thing I know, I'm staring at a brick wall. I crank it back around, but overcompensate and--what do you know?--I'm looking at an eight-foot snowbank. Preferable, but not ideal, I try again, and this time lose it. The truck swings around and skids backward toward the loading area. I thought it was close, my passenger thought it was close, but it wasn't until we checked the tire marks in the fresh snow that I believed I missed one of those steel-and-concrete poles by less than a foot.
Not Driving, but the Most Life Threatening
This time just Ashley and I in the truck. I should probably mention that the relationship began as two not-close friends who, in the immortal words of Jimmy Buffett, got drunk and screwed. What began as a goodnight kiss had been known to blow multiple loads. Yet again we were making out in the pickup (I highly recommend the bench seats). The windows weren't particularly iced up, but there was a thick enough layer of snow accumulated that you couldn't see through. We hadn't gotten down to it yet, but we were well on the way when, to my inexpressible dismay, there was a knock on the windshield. I think she was 16 at the time and I was a year older and her parents were the craziest kind of white trash. My bare (and sexy) ass was the most clearly visible, but it was pretty obvious where my fingers were. And the most interminable moment of my life so far was the exquisitely slow brushing off of a patch of that snow. Suffice to say that if it was her dad, I wouldn't be telling you this story.
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I'm amazed that I survived / an airbag saved my life by Fussbett 01/28/2003, 6:48am PST 
Re: I'm amazed that I survived / an airbag saved my life by Jhoh Creexul 01/28/2003, 8:03am PST
Newbie! That's a rookie accident! by Fullofkittens 01/28/2003, 9:59am PST
Yeah, but did you have your camera with you? NO (nt) NT by Choson 01/28/2003, 10:08am PST
No, and I didn't write a funny article about it. Nice visual aids. NT by Fullofkittens 01/28/2003, 4:18pm PST
You want a newbie? Try me. by Senor Barborito 01/28/2003, 10:38am PST
I've never been in a car accident, because I'm afraid of driving. (nt) by Jhoh Creexul 01/28/2003, 11:10am PST
update by Fussbett 01/29/2003, 2:44am PST
Re: update by laudablepuss 01/29/2003, 3:34am PST
How Zseni got taken into custody. by Zseni 01/28/2003, 11:32am PST
Whenever the cops bust me for shit like that... by Jhoh Creexul 01/28/2003, 1:37pm PST
Re: I'm amazed that I survived / an airbag saved my life by Motherhead 01/28/2003, 2:18pm PST
Re: I'm amazed that I survived / an airbag saved my life by Entropy Stew 01/28/2003, 5:06pm PST
Re: I'm amazed that I survived / an airbag saved my life by laudablepuss 01/28/2003, 6:57pm PST
Re: I'm amazed that I survived / an airbag saved my life by veronica 01/28/2003, 9:12pm PST
Stupid Teenage Driving by creativepig 01/28/2003, 11:52pm PST
You guys suck by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 12:59am PST
Physician, heal thyself by Senor Barborito 01/29/2003, 1:20am PST
Re: You guys suck by veronica 01/29/2003, 1:40am PST
Just remember, honey: when they tease you it means they like you. by Zseni 01/29/2003, 2:17am PST
And when they follow from #ga to tease, I ban (more) by Senor Barborito 01/29/2003, 2:43am PST
Chet is dead, long live Chet [nt] NT by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 2:47am PST
Fag -nt- NT by Entropy Stew 01/29/2003, 3:33pm PST
Re: You guys suck by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 3:24am PST
shut the fuck up, you worthless troll -nt- NT by ydrt 01/29/2003, 4:25am PST
I've trolled before, plenty of times, and this guy is not a troll. by Jhoh Creexul 01/29/2003, 11:57am PST
Re: You guys suck by motherhead 01/29/2003, 7:26am PST
Re: You guys suck by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 1:27pm PST
Re: You guys suck by spanky 01/30/2003, 7:25pm PST
Rule 1? by Entropy Stew 01/30/2003, 10:15pm PST
Re: You guys suck- yes i just noticed this. by motherhead 01/31/2003, 6:39am PST
For what it's worth . . . by Senor Barborito 01/31/2003, 8:42am PST
You're both fags. I'ms starting to agree with that other faggot -nt- NT by Entropy Stew 01/31/2003, 12:12pm PST
Stop. Seriously, stop. by I need clarification 02/01/2003, 7:14pm PST
Re: Stop. Seriously, stop. by RichardSimmonshead 02/02/2003, 1:43am PST
The '04 Motherhead comes standard with crumple zones and its own cock garage-nt- NT by Entropy Stew 02/02/2003, 5:45am PST
heated seats too... by motherhead 02/02/2003, 6:50am PST
I didn't even touch you this time! by Lurker390 02/02/2003, 11:52am PST
This was lame when I was Ninja :< NT by Ninja 02/03/2003, 4:13am PST
Re: You guys suck by Jhoh Creexul 01/29/2003, 11:54am PST
Re: You guys suck by Zseni 01/29/2003, 12:22pm PST
Re: You guys suck by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 1:31pm PST
Re: You guys suck by Senor Barborito 01/29/2003, 2:58pm PST
Re: You guys suck by Zseni 01/29/2003, 3:13pm PST
Re: You guys suck by Fussbett 01/29/2003, 3:33pm PST
Re: You guys suck by Senor Barborito 01/29/2003, 3:36pm PST
Re: You guys suck by Zseni 01/29/2003, 3:59pm PST
Excuse me, what did you say? by laudablepuss 01/29/2003, 6:08pm PST
clarification by a spectator 01/30/2003, 6:43pm PST
Re: clarification by laudablepuss 01/30/2003, 7:01pm PST
Re: clarification by Entropy Stew 01/30/2003, 7:38pm PST
Minor Chet defense (!) by Senor Barborito 01/30/2003, 8:16pm PST
Yes. by mrs. johnson 01/30/2003, 8:21pm PST
'Gothiest Post Of The Year Award' winner right here -NT- NT by Senor Barborito 01/30/2003, 8:31pm PST
something makes more sense now - BONUS: recap of final OMM posts by a spectator 01/30/2003, 9:15pm PST
Man, can we move on yet? (Nt) NT by Choson 01/30/2003, 10:17pm PST
I agree with this masked man. It's embarassing. (NT) by Fussbett 01/30/2003, 10:36pm PST
Put it in a FAQ and let's shut up about it already. by Bill Dungsroman 01/31/2003, 11:16am PST
Too easy for me to fall into this trap by Entropy Stew 01/31/2003, 1:12pm PST
Yeah, this is getting too retarded even for me. by laudablepuss 01/31/2003, 11:37am PST
Re: You guys suck by E. L. Koba 01/29/2003, 11:04pm PST
Too early to render judgement by no one you'd know 02/02/2003, 12:13pm PST
Actually, once I calmed down by Senor Barborito 02/02/2003, 7:54pm PST
I need Atorification by Bodybag 01/29/2003, 3:21pm PST
Worst reply ever by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 3:51pm PST
Nah, I've made worse replies by Bodybag 01/29/2003, 4:15pm PST
Re: Nah, I've made worse replies by Senor Barborito 01/29/2003, 4:26pm PST
Then this is a convenient time to mention your ass tastes funny anyway by Bodybag 01/29/2003, 5:08pm PST
ARGH USURPED AGAIN - DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! -NT NT by Senor Barborito 01/29/2003, 5:10pm PST
MY SECRET: A BOX OF ARM 'N' HAMMER -nt- NT by Entropy Stew 01/29/2003, 5:33pm PST
I was going to call all of you fags, but... by Bill Dungsroman 01/29/2003, 5:52pm PST
You had me at 'histrionic' . . . *sniffle* -NT- by Senor Barborito 01/29/2003, 6:02pm PST
Now I need clarification by Entropy Stew 01/29/2003, 6:39pm PST
(sigh) okay, I'll do it for you... by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 5:40pm PST
The faggot unmasked! by Columbo 01/29/2003, 6:17pm PST
Re: The faggot unmasked! by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 6:25pm PST
Keep trying by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 8:07pm PST
Argue? About what? by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 8:33pm PST
Re: Argue? About what? by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 8:42pm PST
Oh, that was you? by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 9:10pm PST
Re: Oh, that was you? by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 9:24pm PST
Re: Oh, that was you? by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 9:39pm PST
Re: Oh, that was you? by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 10:18pm PST
Re: You guys suck by Jhoh Creexul 01/29/2003, 11:43am PST
Re: You guys suck by Fussbett 01/29/2003, 3:02pm PST
Re: You guys suck by Jhoh Creexul 01/29/2003, 4:37pm PST
Nobody is, see ES's final ruling in the rules thread -NT- by Senor Barborito 01/29/2003, 4:52pm PST
Re: Nobody is, see ES's final ruling in the rules thread -NT- by I need clarification 01/29/2003, 10:23pm PST
Re: Nobody is, see ES's final ruling in the rules thread -NT- by Entropy Stew 01/29/2003, 10:58pm PST
Re: I'm amazed that I survived / an airbag saved my life by Mischief Maker 01/28/2003, 7:36pm PST
You drove a Mazda? Jesus Fuck. n/T NT by mrs. johnson 01/28/2003, 9:04pm PST
As I will again in the summer when the Mazda RX-8 comes out. by Fussbett 01/29/2003, 2:55am PST
Well... by mrs. johnson 01/29/2003, 9:47pm PST
Aerosmith video from early 90's claims latest copycat victim. by Bodybag 01/28/2003, 11:18pm PST
Re: Aerosmith video from early 90's claims latest copycat victim. by veronica 01/29/2003, 12:20am PST
Now THIS is how you wreck by Bodybag not copy+pasting from PoE 01/29/2003, 11:08pm PST
Re: I'm amazed that I survived / an airbag saved my life by I bet that bitch would have stopped 01/30/2003, 10:59pm PST
MC sighting $counter++ by not mc 02/02/2003, 12:22pm PST
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