The investigations and interrogations were the best parts. That’s good since it was the main focus of the game. The car chases were a nice addition to break things up from time to time, but got a little bland by the end because of repetition. The shootouts were a nice diversion at first, until they got longer and more frequent, reminding me how terrible shooter controls are with analog sticks. How are FPS games popular on consoles? The controls are terrible. LA Noire recgonized that they’re such a complete joke that it aims for you. They might as well have just made the shootouts a QTE event. PUSH BUTTON TO KILL GUY.

It’s a good thing upper-management doesn’t know anything about video games, because if they did we’d be reading about how people in charge of LA Noire’s development got fired. They’d have been pissed to find out they spent millions on a team of people to meticulously recreate a model of 1940s Los Angeles and license dozens of songs from the time period only to find out they’re completely unnecessary and wasted. There is no reason for this game to be an open-world game at all. Even the game agrees by letting you hold down a button and skip driving to a crime scene location. There’s random street crimes you can drive to, but the few I tried were all shootouts with horrible console shooter controls and they started putting street crimes a million miles away from your location with no option to teleport there. There were also hidden cars you could find, but they added nothing to the game so who the fuck cares about finding any of them.

And on the subject of pressing a button to skip the game, I failed a really awful bulldozer chase segment enough (3 times) for the game to ask me if I wanted to skip it with no consequences at all. I’m not hot-shit game designer Shigeru Miyamoto or even pretend hot-shit game designer Tim Rogers, but here’s what I know about game design: if at any point you find yourself implementing a feature that says, “PUSH BUTTON TO SKIP GAMEPLAY,” go ahead and remove that whole section right out of the game. You’ve just admitted it sucks, so might as well take it out.

This game is also F U C K I N G R I D I C U L O U S about failure. At one point I had to choose between 2 suspects and charge one with a crime. I picked the wrong one, and literally as I was walking out of the interrogation room the police chief was standing there and started laying into me asking how I could fuck up so bad and finger the wrong guy for a crime. No passage of time, no “two weeks later.” Just interrogation room -> charge -> police chief instantly does a Macho Man Randy Savage through the wall and calls me a stupid asshole. That’s an awfully fast turnaround time in the criminal justice system. I knew the war on drugs was clogging up the legal system, but holy shit. I would have loved the option of asking the chief why he made me go through questioning if he already knew the guy wasn’t guilty. “Oh, I saw you were close to leveling and wanted to let you earn some xp ^__________________^”

I think it was IGN that mentioned supporting it for the sake of someone trying something new. Yeah, no. Maybe if it goes on sale for $19.99 you can pick it up to see what the hype was about. But it’s not really anything new. It’s 3D Phoenix Wright with a bunch of confused gameplay elements sewn together. I think there’s a good game buried in there, and maybe if they skipped creating a pointless open world and the crappy shootouts they would have had more time to find it.

Rafiki

I don’t find myself regularly in a lot of exotic cities, so my list of what they smell like is going to be meager and unimpressive. That’s fine, because we were all going to think less of me when this article is over anyway. Denver smells like dust. Rochester smells like a fish fry. Vegas smells like burning. And the first experience I had with Oklahoma City was that the area just outside the airport smells like the inside of an arcade cabinet.

There’s a difference between an arcade and an individual cabinet. Arcades, the place, often smell like bung. Nerds don’t bathe anywhere near as well or as often as they should, so they get their sweat on everything. I will never understand the mentality that lets guys think that a long shower at an expo or convention is optional. You’re on vacation. Time has no meaning. I’m in there rotating around like me and spam are gonna feed a dozen hungry Hawaiians.

Arcade cabinets, though, have a not-unpleasant scent like old wood and electricity. I know that’s not really poetic, but I (honestly) left my Kindle on my flight home from Oklahoma City and I was (honestly) reading Wodehouse for the first time before I lost it to prep for this. All I am left with are insipid comparisons like that one since the bulk of the weekend was spent around media that dealt with two-word commands, but I’ll get to that.

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Pros!


-The inventory isn’t nearly as messy as DA:O (this is because 90% of what you pick up is “Junk” and gets put in your “Junk” item list so when you go to a vendor you just hit the “Sell Junk” button and it sells it all. So what’s the point of junk? I don’t even have to read the name of each individual thing I’m selling so why not just give me gold instead of having me pick up 4 randomly generated Moth Eaten Scarves? I guess this is actually a con)

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What’s the first thing you think of when you remember a great RPG? For Deus Ex you probably think of the story, choices, and combat whereas Diablo 2 probably makes you just think of the story and the combat. Linear RPGs are not bad by default and Dragon Age 2’s real problem has nothing to do with it being linear. The problem is that it is pretending to be something it isn’t and it’s a really poorly told lie.

When I think of DA2 I’m reeling to bring up positive things I guess I liked the NPCs, but the negatives just flow out: the main plot is only a vehicle for nerd politics, the game is full of illusory choices designed to fool retards, and the combat is the same uninspired shit they couldn’t properly port to the console with DA1. I could even be happy with a completely linear CRPG, but putting in so much effort into trying to fool me is just a waste of my already worthless time.

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The site Metacritic is OK in that whatever number it spits out for a game gives me a really rough idea of what to expect, though not according to anything the site was designed for. If it’s extremely high, like it is for Ocarina of Time, I realize I’ll despise it, because it’s for babies who have way too much of themselves wrapped up in a game. If there is a wide variation in “Critic’s” score versus “User’s” then the game is awful and we’re once again faced with the fact that many reviewers are whores consumed with working, somehow, for a game company. Reviewing is something they do in the meantime till their career really takes off.

I don’t know how else to explain that almost every single person on Caltrops hated Dragon Age 2, for completely different reasons. It wasn’t like it didn’t have support for the Mad Katz Throat Communicator and therefore opinion was split 50/50. Dragon Age 2 was brilliantly designed to offer something abominably unique to every single player, as if it were a fine selection of post-wedding hors d’oeuvre and you didn’t know enough people there to shame you into not stuffing as many of them down your face as possible.

Hating Dragon Age 2 is like trying to pick the best sweet in an European candy store. There’s this bit, where BioWare writer Jennifer Hepler says that what video games really need is a fast-forward button. There’s this bit, where LupoTheeButcher moderates a BioWare forum and can’t wait to give his own game a “10.” An applications engineer for BioWare did the same thing. They’re so proud of what they’ve put together here that they’re willing to throw any sense of etiquette out the door to mung aggregates. This means that absolutely no punches should be pulled on this insipid piece of garbage and it means that professional reviewers had a responsibility to be as strict as possible, if the people who made it are saying how perfect it is. What I’m talking about is, for professional reviewers, the nuclear option: the score 6.9/10.

None of them bothered to do it because they’re all whores. We’ll post reviews of people who played it in its entirety this week. HGLUAHGLUAHGLUA.

I was eight-years-old in 1981 when Yars’ Revenge was released for the Atari 2600 console. At that time, Yars’ seemed a radical departure from most other available titles. Unlike the other games I owned at that time (Combat, Space Invaders, Basketball), the goal of Yars’ Revenge isn’t immediately discernible by simply looking at the playfield. The left hand side of the screen contains a big white bug (that’s you); on the right sits something or someone else (presumably a foe) behind a big red shield. A strip of rainbow-colored static runs vertically between the two of you. You can shoot (or peck) away at the shield, but not while hiding in the rainbow zone. Sometimes a missile appears behind you. Sometimes your enemy turns into a deadly spiral and shoots you in the face. There’s another wandering wafer that players quickly learn is not friendly.

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I’m not in the habit of spending money on games I think I’ll hate. I’m sure these games are miles away from the worst the DS has to offer, but of all the games I was expecting to enjoy, these were the biggest letdowns.

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With the 3DS unleashing a wave of headaches across the land, now seems as good a time as any to rate the top 10 games to come out on the most successful console of this last generation. Unlike most DS top lists, this list is going to be from the viewpoint of an adult who plays his DS primarily to distract during long distance commutes. Buying a DS just to play at home is a prospect even more depressing than that Alienware commercial where the guy is playing Doom on his laptop at the coffee shop, presumably to mooch off their free wifi, and the actress serving him coffee tries awkwardly to follow the direction of, “Okay, the joke is that he’s oblivious to the world in a public place and looks like a weirdo, but don’t look too weirded out! In fact, try and look a little turned on!”

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Children’s interactive fiction is not precisely a neglected genre — Adventure was first written for Will Crowther’s children — but most modern IF is by adults, for their peers. There are plenty of games that are suitable for children, but quality games written for them can readily be counted without taking one’s shoes off. There’s been some renewed interest in recent years, as theory focuses more on player-friendly design and the children of first-generation IF players become old enough to be interested; Matt Wigdahl’s dinosaur boys’-adventure Aotearoa won the 2010 IF Competition and a teetering heap of XYZZY Awards. Still, I have a feeling that there’s a gap here; there’s no really substantial piece of children’s or YA fiction that deserves a place on the must-read shelf.

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Before any of us had heard of Nintendo, we had Atari. If you were a kid in the late 1970s or early 1980s, you either owned an Atari 2600, were friends with someone who did, or were a weird booger-eater that nobody cared about anyway.

Those of us with fond memories of the Atari 2600 have multiple ways to keep enjoying those blocky classics. A few die hard dorks (myself included) still own real Atari consoles; those less dedicated (or dorky) can still enjoy the games through emulation on virtually any modern computer. Compilations of Atari 2600 games have also been released for essentially every video game console released in the past 15 years. The latest of these retro compilations is Atari’s Greatest Hits for the iPad.

Technically Atari’s Greatest Hits is available for free via an iTunes download, but the free version only comes with Pong — which, unless you rode/ride the short bus each morning, you’ll tire of in just a few minutes. After downloading the core program, an additional hundred games are available for purchase, divided into groups of four for 99 cents each. For hardcore old school gamers, the entire lot can be purchased for a one time $15 fee. While each game grouping technically has a “theme”, some of the pack groupings make little sense; if you buy the Missile Command Pack (which comes with both the arcade and the Atari 2600 versions of the game), you’ll also be the proud owner of a prime example of false advertising, “Fun With Numbers”.

Of the 100 available games, 18 are arcade games and 82 are ports of Atari 2600 games. Most of the four-title game packs contains a sampling from each group. The Asteroids pack, for example, contains the arcade versions of Asteroids and Asteroids Deluxe along with the Atari 2600 versions of Asteroids and Canyon Bomber. The Centipede pack contains both the arcade and Atari 2600 ports of Centipede and Millipede. The only games available to purchase are official Atari titles, so you’ll find no Activision or Imagic games here, boy. A small subset of the games support multiplayer gaming over Bluetooth. While this feature makes sense in head-to-head games like Warlords and Combat, going through the hassle of talking one of your friends into also buying this compilation and configuring Bluetooth just to take turns watching each other play Yars’ Revenge and Tempest seems somewhat pointless.

Each digital game purchased contains scans of the owner’s manual, box cover, and in the case of the arcade games, original artwork. None of them are a replacement for holding or touching the real thing, but when you’re paying for digital content (especially when we’re talking about 30-35 year old games), more content is better. As for the quality of the games themselves, the conversions are passable. The games look and sound relatively authentic, although nitpickers will spot slight differences here and there.

The obvious elephant in the room is, “How well do the controls translate to a touch screen interface?”, with the answer being a resounding, “Meh”. Listen, moving my finger around on top of a picture of a joystick will never feel realistic. The controls on the iPad are spaced so far apart that it’s almost impossible to hold the iPad up and play the games at the same time. Playing on a smaller screen makes the device easier to hold, but shrinks the virtual controls at the same time. From Crystal Castle’s trackball to Tempest’s spinner (replaced with a “sliding dial”), the lack of tactile feedback is both noticed and missed (don’t get me started on Battlezone or Major Havok). Atari’s Greatest Hits is compatible with the about-to-be-released iCade, a device that turns your iPad into a mini arcade cabinet (complete with a Bluetooth joystick). With an MSRP of $99 there are far cheaper ways to enjoy old Atari games, but if you already planned on picking up the iCade, your Atari’s Greatest Hits experience no doubt would be improved.

For mobile gamers, compilations of Atari games already exist for Sony’s PSP and the Nintendo DS. And, as previously mentioned, both Atari 2600 emulators and MAME have been ported to nearly every platform under the sun by now (there’s even a port of MAME for the iPhone). If you’re an iPad owner and you either enjoy touch-screen controls or enjoy being frustrated by them, you could do worse than picking up “Atari’s Greatest Hits” for the iPad.

Flack