FUCK OFF, ORGEENIC!
A hearty, sincere thank-you to TDARCOS for this amazing original content. We all enjoy the cooking videos.
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Commander Tansin A. Darcos
I remember playing Shadow Warrior when it was a new release – the Build engine really was incredible. There’s a few sites that talk about what sort of games made them the waste of space gamer they are today. Man, the Build engine really had an effect on me. Okay, we all laughed at TekWar, but if I remember correctly, we were hit up with Duke Nukem 3D, Shadow Warrior, Blood and Redneck Ramage. How many engines are capable of four games like that? Okay, plenty of them, but still. What a great series of games.
Unless you’re part of the fists-against-eyes offenderati, I mean. Worm explains. But let’s not not play the Shadow Warrior reboot!
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Worm
The effects of methamphetamines on the human body are well documented. The drug provides users a euphoric experience by overloading the brain’s dopamine receptors to the point where they burn out and are no longer available to function. Short term users of the drug report an inability to feel “as happy” as they used to; long term users report an inability to feel happy about anything, ever. Behavioral changes (often permanent) for users include paranoia, delusions, aggression, hallucinations, and more. Physically, meth constricts blood vessels and restricts blood flow, causing damage to the addict’s skin and specifically his or her gums, causing rapid tooth decay and loss. The sensation of having “bugs under the skin” often causes those on the drug to pick and scratch their own skin off. There is a notoriously high infection rate of hepatitis and HIV/AIDS among users of the drug due to the sharing of needles. Those the drug doesn’t kill quickly often find themselves homeless, in prison, or worse.
Based on that description one might be led to think that no sane person would ever try meth, much less use it on a regular basis. But the fact is, people do. Anyone with access to cable television knows that methamphetamines will unequivocally ruin their health and wreck their lives. Meth contains lye, the primary ingredient in drain cleaner. It contains ammonia, which can permanently affect your lungs by breathing it in a single time. It also contains lighter fluid, hydrochloric acid, brake fluid, Drano, ether, red phosphorus from matchstick heads, and of course, ephedrine. And the best part is, drug manufacturers have no incentive to change their product because people keep coming back for it. Like moths to a bug zapper, it gets ’em every time.
This brings us to Microsoft’s newest console, the Xbox One.
Everyone knows the story about the boy who wants to be a wizard. At first, he leads a lackluster existence, living with uncaring caretakers and sleeping in barely-habitable quarters. His circumstances vastly improve when he makes his way to a school for blossoming spellcasters, where all the teachers have funny names and the students play some fictional sport loosely influenced by real world ones. It isn’t long before our hero discovers sinister forces are afoot and finds out that he has long been destined for greater things.
That hero, of course, was Ernie Eaglebeak. The year was 1990, the game was Spellcasting 101: Sorcerers Get All the Girls, and the author was Steve Meretzky– although this plot was doomed to be ripped off by hack authors for years to come.
The “Xbox One” is the dumbest name for anything. It is the dumbest name for a consumer electronic in human history, at least. I always believed that the name “Wii” would stand alone as the dumbest name. Wii phonetically sounds like penis. “Xbox One” is worse because, and I can’t believe I have to say this, but because this is the third Xbox system, and the original one was just called “Xbox.”
Maybe “One” refers to the number of times a particular game can be sold, what with them trying to kill the used market.
… It’s astounding just how stupid that name is. I hope they name the 4th Xbox “Original Xbox.” I hope they name the next one “Colecovision.” I hope that there is some stupid, stupid fucking person at Microsoft that saw the terrible name for this system and sees it as a challenge to be overcome in 6 years.
How did something this dumb come into being? Here’s a quote:
When Senior Principal Creative Director Carl Ledbetter and his team set out to design the Xbox One, the only rule they had is everything had to be drawn without lifting a pen. “If you can’t,” he says, “it’s too complicated.”
How clever! You better be thinking that these very special, gifted people are clever as well. That’s the point, you see. That is why they told Wired, who gleefully published the quote like it was an Adrian Lamo chat log.
But I guess the Xbox One won’t contain switches anywhere because the pen has to lift. Or a battery. Or many other basic building blocks of electronics.
Dumb fucks.
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Ice Cream Jonsey
I present to you a new feature here at Caltrops, the World’s Greatest Purple Website. A Let’s Not Play, with your host Worm.
Today, Worm shall be not playing DRAGON AGE 3.
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Worm
I don’t know if you know this, but somebody blew Boston off the map last week. Well, that’s how it sounds according to the news and social media. Watching events unfold on twitter that night I noticed “Sandy Hook” was trending. I always like to see how people try to tie one tragedy in with another so I clicked it. What I found was this tweet…
“Im still a teenager ive been alive for: -9/11 -the sandy hook shooting -the dark knight rises theatre shooting -and more“
And then another one…
“Sandy hook, theater shooting, Boston bombing, threats from Korea….and im still under 16.”
And another…
“9/11 -Virginia Tech Fort Worth Aurora, CO Theater Sandy Hook, shootings -Boston Marathon Bombing. And I’m only 17. #sad”
On and on and on…
You wake. You are wading in a blue, 8-bit ocean. The blocky, aliased sun shines brightly above you. In the distance, a hazy form clutters the horizon. You approach, and the outline forms into an island. What is the island? Why is it there? Why are you there? Proteus offers no answers, only beckons you to explore her shores, her mountains, her ever-changing and fluttering array of flora and fauna that seem to exist for the oldest reason of all: merely to exist.
Welcome to the new cooking video from TDARCOS! This new cooking video is a homemade, delicious recipe that TDARCOS calls, “Slop.”
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A hearty, sincere thank-you to TDARCOS for this amazing original content.
Ice Cream Jonsey
Editor’s Note: We are talking about League of Legends in the forum at the moment. I know it has a passionate fan base that loves telling people how it is the “most-played game of all-time.” The problem with that is that the pool of players come from the same stink-pit of idiots you already can’t stand online elsewhere. FABIO explains the current problems with League of Legends below…
Worm said…
Can you believe a competitive team game has more to it than doing what you want without bothering to think about cohesion or how the game works? I fucking hate LoL but I hate the people who play it so much more, and it’s the same shit in DOTA 2. For every retard you dealt with, now in DOTA 2 you have to deal with some fatalist asshole who watches too many twitch.tv streams, whose primary interest is protecting his fragile delusion that he’s a PRO by blame dodging and feeding his own ego when necessary.
Getting locked into sustain brawler top, AP mid, jungler, bot adc + support every single game gets old and isn’t nearly as enjoyable as the old days where everyone just picked the character they liked and jump into online RTS team Streetfighter.
Fine tuning your game at top levels of competitive play is fine, but the problem you run into with these games is everyone thinks they’re on that level and only one small step from going pro, much like Randians believing only government regulations are holding back their due millions.
So everyone reads up on META and tournament play and tries to ape those things without any of the prerequisite knowledge or skills to understand or take advantage of it. Unless you’re in the top 10% of players, then there are a dozen different more helpful things you could be working on to improve your game. You have people harping on META and roles (like it’s some WoW raid) but are totally clueless when it comes to basic things like map awareness and knowing when to initiate team fights. A true sign of terrible player: hissy fits blaming lack of “mias” for being killed, because it’s somehow less work to type and read chat than it is to glance at the map for half a second.
Then there’s the people who don’t realize the value of split pushing. To them, the ten minute mark means shifting the game to permanent 5 man groups because that’s what the pros do! Nevermind that the pros do this because they can get 100 last hits in ten minutes, have the rehearsed coordination to exploit a push, and know when to press a slight level/farm advantage by initiating team fights. I’ve lost track of the number of thrown games where everyone was an average of 2 levels behind the other team, yet the brilliant team captains insisted on grouping up and seeking out team fights in the jungle (that is what the pros do after all). There’s also the opposite where your team will get a significant level advantage early on but instead of pushing everyone just farts around until the enemy team eventually closes the gap.
There’s people who swear that killing the Baron is the top priority after scoring an ace rather than killing two turrets and an inhibitor.
People who walk one at a time into an ambush massacre instead of writing off the first casualty and retreating.
Tanks who have no clue when to use their area CC.
Players who sit back as their tank fires off the area CC. Yes, the time to engage is after your Amumu has already used up his ult.
These are the low level players who will go on about the meta. Basic stuff you wonder how no one ever learned during their 200+ games to level 30. One group I used to play with the loudest META team captain was always some guy’s girlfriend who would run around the jungle as Soraka getting ambushed and going 0-10-1 every game. Literal screaming how it was everyone else’s fault that happened for not following her around, never that she shouldn’t have done it in the first place if she was alone.
It’s like watching out of shape fatties lecturing you on what brand of shoe you need to be wearing to succeed at sports.
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FABIO
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