HGULAHGULA: Xbox One & Kinect



Thank you, Jerk City, for giving us the gift of HGLAHAGLUA

Watching contrarians try to spin this has been fun, because it’s really fucking hard to. There’s the tactic of saying what’s a negative is really a positive and ignoring all the other criticisms. Gizmodo, being a Gawker site, tries that approach.

Gamers who consider their core hard have always thought of Kinect as just some gimmick Wii-successor that they’d never use because true gamers use analog sticks or fight pads or morse code or something. And maybe the first Kinect was like that. The Kinect 2 on Xbox One? Completely different. It’s truly an extension of the controller without the constraints of a controller.

Because we all felt constrained by out analog sticks and morse code.

With Kinect, controlling the Xbox One is no longer limited by the number of static buttons on the controller. Imagine pointing at which enemy your AI partner should focus on. Or cycling immediately to your pistol or grenade with a quick hand gesture. Or motioning your troop to stop with a halt. Or cornering a turn in a driving game by leaning. Or calling for timeout in Madden like you would call for timeout in real life (okay, maybe that’s a gimmick). And that’s just what I thought of in 30 seconds. If you gave real game developers time? They’d blow away all the useless tricks we made fun of on the 360. We can’t judge Kinect today without wondering it will do for us tomorrow.

The only one he’ll acknowledge as a gimmick is the Madden example, which is a joke because the entire Madden franchise is one huge gimmick.

So don’t think of Kinect on the Xbox One as a Kinect you’d never use. And don’t think of the Xbox One controller as the only way of controlling things. That’s just needlessly limiting your view. They could stay different. They could become interchangeable. But they won’t exist without each other anymore. A Kinect is now a part of every Xbox controller. Is that really worse than slapping a trackpad onto every controller?

Yes, it fucking is. Christ, I bet most of the Gawker sites were pretending to care about the NSA scandal, but the internet has a consensus? We must forget all that and print some clickbait.

Yahtzee goes for the idea that everything sucks forever so who cares?

I worry we’ve all been focusing on Xbone too much lately, so quick reminder: the PS4 share button is bloody stupid and I hope Sony explodes

RPS is also confused as to why people are talking about this stuff, but they’re more too bored to be nihilistic. They’re so bored they can’t wait to tell you how much.

E3 2013 is in full swing, and – against all odds – it’s actually featured a few rather interesting developments. But there’s also been a lot of blah. And some bleh. And a whole, whole lot of yadda yadda yadda. I’m at the show, and I’ll have heaps more for you soon. For now, though, let’s start with the cream of the crop, the nextest of the future-gens.

Of course all the games listed are on PC/consoles, because only games that remain pure to the PC can be interesting. First comment?

roryok says:

this whole post seems like a big whinge.

Hahahaha. RPS has gotten to a point their commenters are telling them to fuck off.



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Jerry’s Top 10 Side-Scrollers, Chronological Order

1. Super Mario Bros. (NES, 1985) [EDITOR’S CHOICE: GOLD AWARD]

SMB is the best because it’s the purest. All subsequent Mario games would dumb down the physics to one extent or another, giving you more control over Mario after he was already in the air. But that would neuter this game, a laser-focused left-to-right (you can’t even scroll the screen backwards) momentum-based action game built around mastering the run and jump maneuver to make Mario land exactly where you need him to. To this day, it’s the Mario that’s most like a pinball table. The version in Super Mario All-Stars is still pretty fun, and it’s how I finally played The Lost Levels (which I ended up enjoying way more than Super Mario Bros. 2 USA), but they changed the way Mario bounces after smashing a brick, making everything slower and floatier and at least 25% less like pinball. Criminal!

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Paul Robinson Presents: Orgeenic Can Suck Tdarcos’s Sack

FUCK OFF, ORGEENIC!

A hearty, sincere thank-you to TDARCOS for this amazing original content. We all enjoy the cooking videos.

Would you like to join the conversation? Join the conversation! Right here in the comments.

Commander Tansin A. Darcos

Let’s Not Not Play: Shadow Warrior Reboot

I remember playing Shadow Warrior when it was a new release – the Build engine really was incredible. There’s a few sites that talk about what sort of games made them the waste of space gamer they are today. Man, the Build engine really had an effect on me. Okay, we all laughed at TekWar, but if I remember correctly, we were hit up with Duke Nukem 3D, Shadow Warrior, Blood and Redneck Ramage. How many engines are capable of four games like that? Okay, plenty of them, but still. What a great series of games.

Unless you’re part of the fists-against-eyes offenderati, I mean. Worm explains. But let’s not not play the Shadow Warrior reboot!

Comments? Join us on the forum.

Worm

Xbox One: Your Drug of Choice?

The effects of methamphetamines on the human body are well documented. The drug provides users a euphoric experience by overloading the brain’s dopamine receptors to the point where they burn out and are no longer available to function. Short term users of the drug report an inability to feel “as happy” as they used to; long term users report an inability to feel happy about anything, ever. Behavioral changes (often permanent) for users include paranoia, delusions, aggression, hallucinations, and more. Physically, meth constricts blood vessels and restricts blood flow, causing damage to the addict’s skin and specifically his or her gums, causing rapid tooth decay and loss. The sensation of having “bugs under the skin” often causes those on the drug to pick and scratch their own skin off. There is a notoriously high infection rate of hepatitis and HIV/AIDS among users of the drug due to the sharing of needles. Those the drug doesn’t kill quickly often find themselves homeless, in prison, or worse.

Based on that description one might be led to think that no sane person would ever try meth, much less use it on a regular basis. But the fact is, people do. Anyone with access to cable television knows that methamphetamines will unequivocally ruin their health and wreck their lives. Meth contains lye, the primary ingredient in drain cleaner. It contains ammonia, which can permanently affect your lungs by breathing it in a single time. It also contains lighter fluid, hydrochloric acid, brake fluid, Drano, ether, red phosphorus from matchstick heads, and of course, ephedrine. And the best part is, drug manufacturers have no incentive to change their product because people keep coming back for it. Like moths to a bug zapper, it gets ’em every time.


The first documented case of meth mouth.

This brings us to Microsoft’s newest console, the Xbox One.

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SPELLCASTING 101 REVIEW (PC)

  Everyone knows the story about the boy who wants to be a wizard. At first, he leads a lackluster existence, living with uncaring caretakers and sleeping in barely-habitable quarters. His circumstances vastly improve when he makes his way to a school for blossoming spellcasters, where all the teachers have funny names and the students play some fictional sport loosely influenced by real world ones. It isn’t long before our hero discovers sinister forces are afoot and finds out that he has long been destined for greater things.

 

That hero, of course, was Ernie Eaglebeak. The year was 1990, the game was Spellcasting 101: Sorcerers Get All the Girls, and the author was Steve Meretzky– although this plot was doomed to be ripped off by hack authors for years to come.

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“Xbox One” Is a Stupid Fucking Name For Something

The “Xbox One” is the dumbest name for anything. It is the dumbest name for a consumer electronic in human history, at least. I always believed that the name “Wii” would stand alone as the dumbest name. Wii phonetically sounds like penis. “Xbox One” is worse because, and I can’t believe I have to say this, but because this is the third Xbox system, and the original one was just called “Xbox.”

Maybe “One” refers to the number of times a particular game can be sold, what with them trying to kill the used market.

… It’s astounding just how stupid that name is. I hope they name the 4th Xbox “Original Xbox.” I hope they name the next one “Colecovision.” I hope that there is some stupid, stupid fucking person at Microsoft that saw the terrible name for this system and sees it as a challenge to be overcome in 6 years.

How did something this dumb come into being? Here’s a quote:

When Senior Principal Creative Director Carl Ledbetter and his team set out to design the Xbox One, the only rule they had is everything had to be drawn without lifting a pen. “If you can’t,” he says, “it’s too complicated.”

How clever! You better be thinking that these very special, gifted people are clever as well. That’s the point, you see. That is why they told Wired, who gleefully published the quote like it was an Adrian Lamo chat log.

But I guess the Xbox One won’t contain switches anywhere because the pen has to lift. Or a battery. Or many other basic building blocks of electronics.

Dumb fucks.

Comments? Join us on the forum.

Ice Cream Jonsey

Let’s Not Play: Dragon Age 3

I present to you a new feature here at Caltrops, the World’s Greatest Purple Website. A Let’s Not Play, with your host Worm.

Today, Worm shall be not playing DRAGON AGE 3.



Comments? Join us on the forum.

Worm

The Boo Hoo Generation

I don’t know if you know this, but somebody blew Boston off the map last week. Well, that’s how it sounds according to the news and social media. Watching events unfold on twitter that night I noticed “Sandy Hook” was trending. I always like to see how people try to tie one tragedy in with another so I clicked it. What I found was this tweet…

“Im still a teenager ive been alive for: -9/11 -the sandy hook shooting -the dark knight rises theatre shooting -and more“

And then another one…

“Sandy hook, theater shooting, Boston bombing, threats from Korea….and im still under 16.”

And another…

“9/11 -Virginia Tech Fort Worth Aurora, CO Theater Sandy Hook, shootings -Boston Marathon Bombing. And I’m only 17. #sad”

On and on and on…

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Proteus Review (PC)

You wake. You are wading in a blue, 8-bit ocean. The blocky, aliased sun shines brightly above you. In the distance, a hazy form clutters the horizon. You approach, and the outline forms into an island. What is the island? Why is it there? Why are you there? Proteus offers no answers, only beckons you to explore her shores, her mountains, her ever-changing and fluttering array of flora and fauna that seem to exist for the oldest reason of all: merely to exist.

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